Over the last few weeks i've been asking myself if i'm perhaps borderline psychopathic. The term came into common, everyday use with the episodes of Dexter (what a show, right?!?), but these days i find myself looking inward quite a bit. The thing is - i don't feel much of any emotion really. Yes, i have cried tears while watching a film - mostly about peoples' solitude and its various expressions - because somewhere it obviously touches a chord. And ofcourse i feel irritation and anger, and i find humour in situations. But it's all 'in the moment'.. as in, i don't think there's any... sentimentality?.. linked to the people or the occasion. Sometimes i think that maybe because i'm so acutely aware of my aloneness is why i may have gone to the other extreme and shut off my sensory valves.
It all came to a head one day when i decided to watch a favorite band play. I invited about 8 people to come along. ALL of them cancelled, and mostly for perfectly legitimate reasons too. One wasn't well, two were out of town, one's friend had recently died, one was at work. But there were a few who were just out of line (or maybe i felt that way because i so really wanted to go for the show and i hardly ever impose on my friends to do anything!) - one who forgot to return a phonecall to confirm his attendance and the other - Vinter - with whom the conversation went something like this:
Vinter: Just got back home
Me: Great. I'm still at my edit, So why don't i see you directly at the venue..?
Vinter: Oh.. umm.. by what time will you be done?
Me: I'm almost done, it'll just take me a really long time to get back home, pick you up and then head out...
Vinter: Oh.. you know the traffic is a nightmare..
Me: Yeah i know, i'll be facing it too
Vinter: Umm.. You've got company right? Apart from me?
Me: Nope..
(a pause)
Me: But listen, if you're not upto it, it's fine..
Vinter: Really? If you want i'll come
Me: Yes ofcourse i want you to come (that's why i invited you a week ago, right?) but if you don't want to, then that's ok..
Vinter: Umm..
Me: So..?
Vinter: Well, if you're giving me an out, i'll take it
Me: ofcourse you will.. allrighty, gotta go.
And I used to count her among my closer friends. Notice the past tense? I figure if a friend takes an out that is there, then what makes her any different from the thousand of other acquaintances i have?
Lately, i find myself referring to a few other close friends as 'acquaintances'. Sony Mony who, through her own admission, was using me for my 'talents and contacts' to further the reach of her business. Her exact words were, "Have i chosen the wrong person to ask to do something for me?" To put this in some kind of context - I was helping Sony Mony create written material for her business - ideas, presentations, workshops, etc. It was mostly as a favor. Then, when i'd forgotten to mail her something, she called me out of the blue and went on the offensive. Not good. When Baz Luhrmann said about some unexpected things coming at you at 4 pm on a tuesday afternoon - this is what he meant. After 2 weeks of the silent treatment, i finally broke and asked her if she ever wanted to discuss what had happened that afternoon of her unprovoked outburst and she said, 'Really? I hadn't even noticed that anything had happened." Well, if i haven't been missed, then i guess i'm not that important. Why make someone a priority when you're just an option, right? So, that's another "good friendship" that got tossed out.
The thing is - apart from a mild irritation (like a burr in the bonnet) and a sense of injury - i don't really miss either of them. They hail me every now and then and i'm always polite, but... it's gone. On good days i figure that it's just deadwood that's been sloughed off - people who treat you badly do not deserve the consideration that they have been receiving. On other days, i wonder if i'm a psychopath - unfeeling, untouched, destined to be alone forever - and maybe just a little too stringent in my standards of friendship.
And then i wonder, if the true mark of a fulfilled life is how you are, how you love, how you treat yourself and the people around you, then am i screwing up irredeemably?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Lessons from my "Marriage"
So sometimes i take life's really big steps as an experiment on myself. I do it with a slight sense of anxiety but mostly it is a "WTF" moment followed immediately with a "How bad can it possibly get?" and ending with a "One can always leave" reminder. This is not to say that one wants to leave, but a lot of the bravery comes from knowing that one does have that option.
I'm talking about my arranged "marriage". There's no other way to look at it. Some people call it "love and arranged".. in my case it was (apart from the above mentioned thoughts) "Kinda Like, Let's See Where it Goes." It was my first business venture in a partnership.
I started a company with my long-time acquaintance-friend. Honestly speaking, i'm usually one of the first people waving the red flags when it comes to working with friends. Apart from the usual problems of different temperaments and things getting sour over issues of money, work ethic, commitment - in a boy-girl partnership, there's also the niggling undercurrent of romantic-sexual tension/expectations.
And this is what i learned:
a) you never know what a person is really like until you start working with them - in a company or in a marriage. No amount of theory or "pre-nup" contracts does anything to ease the actual pain of adjusting to another person's baggage.
b) there is no thing as an equal partnership. One is always the child, the other is always the grown up. Once in a while, you may switch roles, and be happy to do so, but the majority of the time, one is throwing a tantrum, the other is counting to ten.
c) No matter what anyone says, there's always a subconscious testing of depth - depth of love, depth of trust, depth of support, how much is too much, why is too much "too much", keeping track of the wounds - real and imagined, and ofcourse - the retribution.
d) Money is an important thing. Doesn't mean you have to have a lot of it, but you do need so much that you don't mind parting with a bit of it to oil the wheels of togetherness. Whenever i say this, i have the idealistic light go on in my friends' eyes and their mouths start saying things like "money doesn't buy happiness" and "money is hollow" and "i don't believe in money." For them i have this to say: the romantic coffee, the walk in the sunset on empty white beaches, the candle lit dinner, the surprise small gifts - ALL of it is MONEY. There is more ofcourse. But there IS money.
e) Love is the other thing. Not just for each other - though that is important. But i think between people, LIKE and RESPECT are much more crucial. LOVE is for something that the two of you are working towards. It could be a company, a common future vision, family, live music, old hindi songs, antique curios, making home made wine, etc. To love something, and to work on it with someone you like and respect and yes, love too, is the kind of heady experience that is hard to duplicate with anyone else. If that is not there, then the focus shifts to how much the individual is gaining out of this partnership - and that's bad news because there's no end to individual greed and delusions of worth. A partnership works only when, in its entirety, it is greater than the sum of its parts.
f) Communication.. ah, that nightmare. Don't get me wrong, i've read the books and heard the chat shows that go on about it. But, let's admit it, communication is very hard to do. Sure, in an ideal world, all of us would be able to express ourselves in a clear and concise manner (without sitting on a therapist's couch) where we shall be understood for our good intentions and even better content, by an audience that is totally receptive to us. That's a Utopian illusion. In truth, in any relationship, at that critical time, the right word or the right phrase escapes us, but we blather on regardless, usually causing hurt and offense. And this without even considering the labyrinth of non-verbal cues that one has to navigate to get to some modicum of understanding. There's no real solution except to keep at it until we get it close to adequate.
g) Every partnership is fraught with conflict situations. Time, family, deadlines, work, even sheer lazyness sometimes bring us into "unstoppable force meets immovable object" zone. These conflicts - small or big - are exhausting. Inevitably, we become more discerning and pick our battles, choosing which ones are really the ones that are critical to our continued presence. These are the compromises one makes - all for the future goal that we love. This is not a bad thing. Successful war strategists down the ages have employed this very 'forward and retreat' approach to gather some of the world's greatest riches. We compromise on defending our ideals simply because we don't have the energy to do otherwise while struggling to get to our Goal. Between reaching our Goal with our partner (who's crucial to the exercise), and spending our energy fighting every battle, we choose to survive and fight another day. This is Good.
h) However, there are days when anger, irritation and resentment - mostly about the many compromises we have made - threaten to tip us over. Many many times when walking out is just a heartbeat away. At times like this, communication is also clearly not an option. This is when S P A C E is the only saving grace. This space could be a separate room, a crowded club, a really loud opera concert you listen to full blast on your headphones. The only rule is - this is where you go to shut out your partner. No phone calls. No long emotional texts. In this day of e-communication, mails and texts suffice to provide factual data to make the day or the work continue. This is also a good thing because it allows all the eddied emotional waters to settle and be calmed again before you address them. Hopefully with better results.
i) You find yourself constantly Re-EVALUATING the partnership. You wonder if all the effort and nonsense - and there is a LOT of both - is worth the "goal" you love. This is again a good thing. It also needs to be a highly individual thing. Your partner will not change. S/he has spent the last many years of her/his life becoming who s/he is, has successfully avoided changing for the 5000 or more people s/he met before you. The reason s/he thinks you're special is because you probably came closest to accepting her/him for who s/he is. Things won't become better or worse with a new partner - just another version of the same thing.
J) And now i finally come to the sex part, which in a business context, becomes 'playfulness' or 'fun'. You have to be able to have fun with your partner. It need not always be the whole start-to-finish-asm, but there must be a certain lightness - of touch and of heart - that makes every day that much easier to get through. It's the barometer of our personal happiness and is crucial.
Recently, i completed two years of my partnership. Today was a bad day. But after writing this, i think i'm ready for Round 7659809.
Ding!
I'm talking about my arranged "marriage". There's no other way to look at it. Some people call it "love and arranged".. in my case it was (apart from the above mentioned thoughts) "Kinda Like, Let's See Where it Goes." It was my first business venture in a partnership.
I started a company with my long-time acquaintance-friend. Honestly speaking, i'm usually one of the first people waving the red flags when it comes to working with friends. Apart from the usual problems of different temperaments and things getting sour over issues of money, work ethic, commitment - in a boy-girl partnership, there's also the niggling undercurrent of romantic-sexual tension/expectations.
And this is what i learned:
a) you never know what a person is really like until you start working with them - in a company or in a marriage. No amount of theory or "pre-nup" contracts does anything to ease the actual pain of adjusting to another person's baggage.
b) there is no thing as an equal partnership. One is always the child, the other is always the grown up. Once in a while, you may switch roles, and be happy to do so, but the majority of the time, one is throwing a tantrum, the other is counting to ten.
c) No matter what anyone says, there's always a subconscious testing of depth - depth of love, depth of trust, depth of support, how much is too much, why is too much "too much", keeping track of the wounds - real and imagined, and ofcourse - the retribution.
d) Money is an important thing. Doesn't mean you have to have a lot of it, but you do need so much that you don't mind parting with a bit of it to oil the wheels of togetherness. Whenever i say this, i have the idealistic light go on in my friends' eyes and their mouths start saying things like "money doesn't buy happiness" and "money is hollow" and "i don't believe in money." For them i have this to say: the romantic coffee, the walk in the sunset on empty white beaches, the candle lit dinner, the surprise small gifts - ALL of it is MONEY. There is more ofcourse. But there IS money.
e) Love is the other thing. Not just for each other - though that is important. But i think between people, LIKE and RESPECT are much more crucial. LOVE is for something that the two of you are working towards. It could be a company, a common future vision, family, live music, old hindi songs, antique curios, making home made wine, etc. To love something, and to work on it with someone you like and respect and yes, love too, is the kind of heady experience that is hard to duplicate with anyone else. If that is not there, then the focus shifts to how much the individual is gaining out of this partnership - and that's bad news because there's no end to individual greed and delusions of worth. A partnership works only when, in its entirety, it is greater than the sum of its parts.
f) Communication.. ah, that nightmare. Don't get me wrong, i've read the books and heard the chat shows that go on about it. But, let's admit it, communication is very hard to do. Sure, in an ideal world, all of us would be able to express ourselves in a clear and concise manner (without sitting on a therapist's couch) where we shall be understood for our good intentions and even better content, by an audience that is totally receptive to us. That's a Utopian illusion. In truth, in any relationship, at that critical time, the right word or the right phrase escapes us, but we blather on regardless, usually causing hurt and offense. And this without even considering the labyrinth of non-verbal cues that one has to navigate to get to some modicum of understanding. There's no real solution except to keep at it until we get it close to adequate.
g) Every partnership is fraught with conflict situations. Time, family, deadlines, work, even sheer lazyness sometimes bring us into "unstoppable force meets immovable object" zone. These conflicts - small or big - are exhausting. Inevitably, we become more discerning and pick our battles, choosing which ones are really the ones that are critical to our continued presence. These are the compromises one makes - all for the future goal that we love. This is not a bad thing. Successful war strategists down the ages have employed this very 'forward and retreat' approach to gather some of the world's greatest riches. We compromise on defending our ideals simply because we don't have the energy to do otherwise while struggling to get to our Goal. Between reaching our Goal with our partner (who's crucial to the exercise), and spending our energy fighting every battle, we choose to survive and fight another day. This is Good.
h) However, there are days when anger, irritation and resentment - mostly about the many compromises we have made - threaten to tip us over. Many many times when walking out is just a heartbeat away. At times like this, communication is also clearly not an option. This is when S P A C E is the only saving grace. This space could be a separate room, a crowded club, a really loud opera concert you listen to full blast on your headphones. The only rule is - this is where you go to shut out your partner. No phone calls. No long emotional texts. In this day of e-communication, mails and texts suffice to provide factual data to make the day or the work continue. This is also a good thing because it allows all the eddied emotional waters to settle and be calmed again before you address them. Hopefully with better results.
i) You find yourself constantly Re-EVALUATING the partnership. You wonder if all the effort and nonsense - and there is a LOT of both - is worth the "goal" you love. This is again a good thing. It also needs to be a highly individual thing. Your partner will not change. S/he has spent the last many years of her/his life becoming who s/he is, has successfully avoided changing for the 5000 or more people s/he met before you. The reason s/he thinks you're special is because you probably came closest to accepting her/him for who s/he is. Things won't become better or worse with a new partner - just another version of the same thing.
J) And now i finally come to the sex part, which in a business context, becomes 'playfulness' or 'fun'. You have to be able to have fun with your partner. It need not always be the whole start-to-finish-asm, but there must be a certain lightness - of touch and of heart - that makes every day that much easier to get through. It's the barometer of our personal happiness and is crucial.
Recently, i completed two years of my partnership. Today was a bad day. But after writing this, i think i'm ready for Round 7659809.
Ding!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
In Another Life
Lately i've been thinking about all the people splitting up around me, walking around with broken hearts, wondering if they'll ever get better, ever get fixed.
Next time you shall smile at me
Your jokes shall make me laugh
Holding hands will be my thing
To do with you wherever we're at
Next time you shall look deep
Into my eyes and see us together
My words will hold you wrapped entranced
As we spin our tales forever
We shall not hide in our shadows
fearful of the others gaze
we shall not shut our eyes
afraid to see the hurt face
We shall not watch early affection
bloom into casual indifference
we shall reach out to each other
and not flinch when the other reaches out too
This life we disappointed ourselves
We weren't all that we could be
We didn't trust our safety nets
we didn't even try to fly free
Our excuses never came up to scratch
But we clung to them like you once clung to me
So maybe this time we got it wrong
every decision was a mess
Each wound was wrongly caused
Every apology was a fake
but i know that we can get it right
you've gotta feel it too..
The only choice i think i have
Is to start again, in another life,
Just me and you...
Next time you shall smile at me
Your jokes shall make me laugh
Holding hands will be my thing
To do with you wherever we're at
Next time you shall look deep
Into my eyes and see us together
My words will hold you wrapped entranced
As we spin our tales forever
We shall not hide in our shadows
fearful of the others gaze
we shall not shut our eyes
afraid to see the hurt face
We shall not watch early affection
bloom into casual indifference
we shall reach out to each other
and not flinch when the other reaches out too
This life we disappointed ourselves
We weren't all that we could be
We didn't trust our safety nets
we didn't even try to fly free
Our excuses never came up to scratch
But we clung to them like you once clung to me
So maybe this time we got it wrong
every decision was a mess
Each wound was wrongly caused
Every apology was a fake
but i know that we can get it right
you've gotta feel it too..
The only choice i think i have
Is to start again, in another life,
Just me and you...
Going Out
So i've been dabbling with the art of poetry. It's a bit different from my usual prosetic rants about life, loves and everything in between. Also, all this is already on the ubiquitous Facebook... but despite that i'm plagued by thoughts of the website shutting down suddenly and all my writing disappearing with it. Which makes me think about backing up this site too. Ah, paranoia.
The stage is set
the whistle blown
the time has come
to put on the show
wearing a costume
A suit and a smile
we step out of the wings
And start to speak our lines
The rehearsals were many
the actors parts all known
one plays the pauper
one sits on the throne
and the jester of the lot
has his tales often told
the lights come up
the applause is tumultous
the calls for an encore
are nothing if not tortuous
for our jobs are done
this show is over
we were the audience
we are the players.
High Time
We've been together for many years now
a life that has seen many ups, a few downs
Often a snail moved faster
But sometimes i wished we had slowed down
Now i think it's finally time you and i moved on
I have loved you for as long as i've known
You gave me wings and taught me how to float
You showed me the stars, even let me reach the top of the tree
But now i know that its time for me to leave
I don't have a plan, there is no one else
And a shit load to pack up from life's forgotten shelves
Items carried with care now devoid of meaning
Not even much feeling left unless you count that little excited tingling
You'll maybe shed a tear and shrug your shoulders, resigned
Promise even to keep a few things to remember me by
But in truth we'll move on fast enough,
Probably before i finish this maudlin Goodbye
All I Need to Know I Learned at Computer Solitaire
Yes, I do spend a lot of time at my computer. Yes, I often click open Freecell or Solitaire for breaks. Yes, that makes me a bit of a nerd.
But, given all that, i have to say that life lessons are all around you if one would only care to look. So here are a few that Solitaire seems to be trying to tell me - Solitaire's Ten Commandments i suppose.
a) Every hand is a good hand. It's the hand you're dealt. But a part of it is left upto chance. So breathe easy, it's not all in your control anyway (whew!)
But, given all that, i have to say that life lessons are all around you if one would only care to look. So here are a few that Solitaire seems to be trying to tell me - Solitaire's Ten Commandments i suppose.
a) Every hand is a good hand. It's the hand you're dealt. But a part of it is left upto chance. So breathe easy, it's not all in your control anyway (whew!)
b) Opportunities come at you often, probably in threes (who knows?). But you do have to click on them for them to show up. Basically, you need to put in a little bit of effort to let Life know you're ready to play.
c) What you do with these new cards however depends on a combination of the cards that you have been dealt and how well you spot the new ones. Pay a little attention.
d) Once a new card opens for you and you take it, it pretty much ensures that the previous opportunities will never come back to you in the way they did earlier. Maybe they'll come back later when you're better prepared for it. Maybe not. Either ways, each choice you make has far reaching consequences.
e) Sometimes we'd play a card and then a better card would come along and we'd find ourselves saying, 'Damn! I shouldn't have done (whatever) and then (something) wouldn't have happened and then i'll be able to get (whatever new shiny thing that has my fancy at this moment)!" Sorry kiddo, it just wasn't dealt that way. Don't take it personally.
f) You have to constantly rearrange the cards that you have been dealt to make space for new cards. You have to stack them in their correct order, or they don't move. Once you do, they all kind of effortlessly fall into place in their designated little spaces on top. And thus, you create space for the new opportunities every card brings to you.
g) If not a single new card that has opened works for you, well... Game Over. That is also the nature of the game - some hands aren't meant to be played. But you still need to have played it to know that.
h) However, if there is even a single card that is useful but which you haven't picked up, the game doesn't end until you do. Basically, it isn't game over until you squeeze the last drop of juice from every usable opportunity - jobs, people, chance encounters - that is presented to you.
i) I think most versions still have only one "undo" option. So make amends while you still can, because if you move too far, returning to the point of offence may be impossible. So "undo" while you can, and delay "Game Over" so that there's an option of "Game Won".
j) It's just a game. The only thing you have to do is play. With every Game Over, there's the option of Play Again. And you will get better at it.
PS: My current win rate at Computer Solitaire is 16%. So it's likely i'm wrong about everything.
PPS: It's also likely I spend too much time staring at my screen and maybe should get some semblance of a real life.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Lives that Rock
What is it about a little piece of music that unites nations, credos and even lives? To watch a group of people give their all for music, for a lyric, a guitar riff, a perfect symphony - that they have done nothing for maybe except listened to... It's truly the closest feeling that i have ever had to religion.
Just watched "The Boat That Rocked." A bunch of pirate DJs that broadcast the best music of the time from a ship that, when the time came, they went down with. Very Titanic. All for songs that made them feel like something was really truly worth it.
I love live music nights. To feel the energy pulsating off a stage as the people on it give their hearts to putting the notes together, the euphoric drumbeats as they take our pulse up many notches, the arrogant guitar solos, the soulful smoky voices that pluck our heartstrings, the melancholy piano... I love music.. but i love musicians more.
To be able to create or even recreate a bit of soul with melody that speaks to us of feelings long denied, to be able to fearlessly show passion for squiggles on a sheet that, if only one could read, would transform the world into one of constant beauty and wonder.. to be able to speak to my heart without uttering a word..
That is why i love you... not because you can play the guitar and look like Kurt Cobain. But because you get it.
Just watched "The Boat That Rocked." A bunch of pirate DJs that broadcast the best music of the time from a ship that, when the time came, they went down with. Very Titanic. All for songs that made them feel like something was really truly worth it.
I love live music nights. To feel the energy pulsating off a stage as the people on it give their hearts to putting the notes together, the euphoric drumbeats as they take our pulse up many notches, the arrogant guitar solos, the soulful smoky voices that pluck our heartstrings, the melancholy piano... I love music.. but i love musicians more.
To be able to create or even recreate a bit of soul with melody that speaks to us of feelings long denied, to be able to fearlessly show passion for squiggles on a sheet that, if only one could read, would transform the world into one of constant beauty and wonder.. to be able to speak to my heart without uttering a word..
That is why i love you... not because you can play the guitar and look like Kurt Cobain. But because you get it.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Boy Meets Girl 101
Listen up everybody, i need to make a point here - a point i didn't think i'd have to make because of the totally obvious nature of it - but it seems that in the mish-mash of intersecting messages that the media and our increasingly chaotic childhoods are bringing us, it's almost essential.
When we like a boy, in truth, we like the Man we see him becoming. I say this because it means something to be "manly". It implies strength, integrity, a sense of power within the world.. it means someone who can be depended upon to look after us. This isn't very feministic of me, but political correctness be damned. And any woman who says that she doesn't want to feel truly safe, cherished and loved by her man is a truly blind person lying to herself.
Trust me, it took me a while to come to this understanding of the situation. I pride myself on being an independent woman - mentally as well as financially. I don't "need" a man, but gosh! i do want him! And not the hammed up roles of 21st century butter-fingered vulnerable dishrags either - i mean a real man, someone who is strong for the woman, who looks after her, is there for her...
... not someone begging for "understanding" of his manic-depressive behavior because he fucked something up to begin with!
I met this guy - let's call him Veeks - and, on a work-date type thing, he seemed fine. We talked about our respective jobs, and how there could be a possible cohesion of interests on a few projects. Then he orders dinner - at a nice place - and walks out without paying! Call me weird but i don't think that kind of thing is cool. What's the greatness in getting some poor employee into trouble with the management? Strike One.
Then, the next day he starts incessantly texting me and starts asking me questions like "so i guess you don't believe in god" and "tell me your birthdate - indian and western".. etc. HUH??? I mean, dude! i just met you. I didn't even know there are two birthdays to reckon with. and it's none of your business if i believe in god or mud. As a crowning touch to that flurry of space-invasive messages, he sends me mail on "breathing exercises that i MUST do to get in touch with my body's energy". Uhm.. thanks, but my regular energy level is fine which you would have known had we even touched upon this area of highly personal introspection ever. Strike Two.
Then i meet him for coffee where he lays bare for me the last 10 years of his life - a committed relationship, a great business, etc - which he had all left without a backward glance just a few months ago. Basically telling me that he was broke, on the rebound and seemingly casual about all of it. Now tell me something - at a business interview, would you be telling your prospective employer details about how you screwed up at your last job??? Why is your personal life to be dealt with lesser delicacy? And all because i asked him the question "So... what brings you here?" I meant "sitting across from me after haranguing me for a few days with offers of coffee" and which he obviously took to mean his great philosophical journey as an adult. I should have been more specific. That was Date Two.
And then finally, the next day, he sends me a text. "I'm in the dumps. feeling depressed. and i thought of you." Is that, by any chance, supposed to make me feel good??? That you feel comfortable enough to "share your mood swings" with me already? Why don't you just land up wearing your boxers and scratching your ass the next time we meet? I'm so pissed off with these oh-so-sensitive heart-on-your-sleeves spirit-sucking vampires who these days are passing themselves off as "men". What happened to the famed strength? The resolute control? Needless to say, that was Strike Three.
So here's my perspective on the dating thing: Assume you're applying for a job that gives you benefits such as regular sex, TLC during sick days, a dedicated partner to share some of the most boring chores and some of the best laughs. The interview is the tough part - which occurs over a few "dates". During this time, you reveal parts of you that are trustworthy, dependable, a team-worker, etc. Then the group discussion, where you're invited to be a part of the friend / family circle and where you show charm, ease of adaptability, trustworthiness and dependability. Finally, if you clear these hurdles, you get the jackpot - trust, respect, honesty and love.
But even then, there's a basic rule - like a preferred customer in a neighborhood bank, you may withdraw love and attention and care ONLY if you have deposited enough to begin with. Sometimes an overdraft may be allowed, but only if it is returned with a little extra interest.
The principles of banking and employment are so simple, kids start learning them in primary school. Why can't love and respect - something that no one else can do for them and which will inform every human relationship they ever form - be taught too?
When we like a boy, in truth, we like the Man we see him becoming. I say this because it means something to be "manly". It implies strength, integrity, a sense of power within the world.. it means someone who can be depended upon to look after us. This isn't very feministic of me, but political correctness be damned. And any woman who says that she doesn't want to feel truly safe, cherished and loved by her man is a truly blind person lying to herself.
Trust me, it took me a while to come to this understanding of the situation. I pride myself on being an independent woman - mentally as well as financially. I don't "need" a man, but gosh! i do want him! And not the hammed up roles of 21st century butter-fingered vulnerable dishrags either - i mean a real man, someone who is strong for the woman, who looks after her, is there for her...
... not someone begging for "understanding" of his manic-depressive behavior because he fucked something up to begin with!
I met this guy - let's call him Veeks - and, on a work-date type thing, he seemed fine. We talked about our respective jobs, and how there could be a possible cohesion of interests on a few projects. Then he orders dinner - at a nice place - and walks out without paying! Call me weird but i don't think that kind of thing is cool. What's the greatness in getting some poor employee into trouble with the management? Strike One.
Then, the next day he starts incessantly texting me and starts asking me questions like "so i guess you don't believe in god" and "tell me your birthdate - indian and western".. etc. HUH??? I mean, dude! i just met you. I didn't even know there are two birthdays to reckon with. and it's none of your business if i believe in god or mud. As a crowning touch to that flurry of space-invasive messages, he sends me mail on "breathing exercises that i MUST do to get in touch with my body's energy". Uhm.. thanks, but my regular energy level is fine which you would have known had we even touched upon this area of highly personal introspection ever. Strike Two.
Then i meet him for coffee where he lays bare for me the last 10 years of his life - a committed relationship, a great business, etc - which he had all left without a backward glance just a few months ago. Basically telling me that he was broke, on the rebound and seemingly casual about all of it. Now tell me something - at a business interview, would you be telling your prospective employer details about how you screwed up at your last job??? Why is your personal life to be dealt with lesser delicacy? And all because i asked him the question "So... what brings you here?" I meant "sitting across from me after haranguing me for a few days with offers of coffee" and which he obviously took to mean his great philosophical journey as an adult. I should have been more specific. That was Date Two.
And then finally, the next day, he sends me a text. "I'm in the dumps. feeling depressed. and i thought of you." Is that, by any chance, supposed to make me feel good??? That you feel comfortable enough to "share your mood swings" with me already? Why don't you just land up wearing your boxers and scratching your ass the next time we meet? I'm so pissed off with these oh-so-sensitive heart-on-your-sleeves spirit-sucking vampires who these days are passing themselves off as "men". What happened to the famed strength? The resolute control? Needless to say, that was Strike Three.
So here's my perspective on the dating thing: Assume you're applying for a job that gives you benefits such as regular sex, TLC during sick days, a dedicated partner to share some of the most boring chores and some of the best laughs. The interview is the tough part - which occurs over a few "dates". During this time, you reveal parts of you that are trustworthy, dependable, a team-worker, etc. Then the group discussion, where you're invited to be a part of the friend / family circle and where you show charm, ease of adaptability, trustworthiness and dependability. Finally, if you clear these hurdles, you get the jackpot - trust, respect, honesty and love.
But even then, there's a basic rule - like a preferred customer in a neighborhood bank, you may withdraw love and attention and care ONLY if you have deposited enough to begin with. Sometimes an overdraft may be allowed, but only if it is returned with a little extra interest.
The principles of banking and employment are so simple, kids start learning them in primary school. Why can't love and respect - something that no one else can do for them and which will inform every human relationship they ever form - be taught too?
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Missed You
If there was a Craigslist kind of thing in Mumbai, this is what i would be writing in the Missed Connections section:
You - in a purple tie-dye kurta and a backpack
Me - in a purple beaded top and blue jeans
At the Landmark store, going through the DVD titles
You - of live action films
Me - of animated features
while we both mini-bee-bopped to the muzak and i wondered if you'd like to maybe watch a film, while i nuzzle your neck and drown in the musky aftershave you use as you shave around your cute goatee that just goes to accentuate your perfect jawline and the ironic lips, while you marveled at how perfectly my body fit yours and how you don't ever want to let go.
You're probably 24. That would make me a student of the Cougar school of thought.
Sigh.
You - in a purple tie-dye kurta and a backpack
Me - in a purple beaded top and blue jeans
At the Landmark store, going through the DVD titles
You - of live action films
Me - of animated features
while we both mini-bee-bopped to the muzak and i wondered if you'd like to maybe watch a film, while i nuzzle your neck and drown in the musky aftershave you use as you shave around your cute goatee that just goes to accentuate your perfect jawline and the ironic lips, while you marveled at how perfectly my body fit yours and how you don't ever want to let go.
You're probably 24. That would make me a student of the Cougar school of thought.
Sigh.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
When Love and Hate Collide...
Megan was a friend of mine. She was always surrounded by people who were only too glad to shower on her the attention she demanded. She shamelessly pouted, smiled and sulked her way into every person’s consciousness. And as soon as the object of her attention surrendered to her charms, she grinned at the mission accomplished. I always assumed that we were too old for “best friend” nomenclature. I found that it limited me. I felt threatened by its meaning on my life. But she said it out loud. She made no bones about being my friend, about holding me above and beyond any other friend. She proved it often enough too.
I always thought I was immune to her moves, indulgent of her need for attention and love, gladly giving her both, but knowing somewhere that she wouldn’t get to me. And then she died.
For the record, there’s nothing like death to lend some perspective on your own life. It’s not always a great perspective. You see, i find myself hating her and the cheap trick she pulled with her death. Because more than anything, i realise that over the last decade that i spent with her, she had somehow managed to get under my skin.
At first, not knowing what my anger was about, i directed it straight at her family. They made a decision to pull her off life support, and i hung all my indignation on the fact that they hadn’t consulted with her... that no one knew whether she was ready to go, regardless of how correct the decision was, how hopeless the medical situation had become. In her death, as in her life, control had been wrested from her.
Yesterday, i visited her family. I was there with friends , most of whom i’d made because of her. Her family welcomed me as one of their own. We held each other like lost souls clinging to each other to provide a life raft for all of us. And i realised that they didn’t deserve my anger, indeed that my anger had never been about them at all. The first clue i had of this was when, at the memorial service, i found i couldn’t even look at her photograph, her smiling face, her happy expression. Because i found that i was angry – not with her family, not with “God”... but with her. I hated her.
A decade ago, she found me at a time when i was young, strong, attractive, healthy. Sure, I had a family that hadn’t seen or communicated with each other for years, i’d never had a boyfriend, had a bad self-image and was determined to hurt and break as many things as i could on my way to growing out of my cage of self-loathing. I didn’t need anyone or anything, had no intention of picking up lost strays, least of all someone who laid claim to my friendship as if it was hers. And yet, there she was, depite everything.
Sitting at her memorial, while a ridiculous hymn went on in the background, I finally saw the truth of something - she saw the best in me. She was in my corner regardless of anything that happened. She believed in my nobility, in my honesty, in my strength and vulnerability. She was the only person in my life, who had met my entire dysfunctional family (step-family included), even though the dysfunctional family itself hadn’t met each other. She knew all my boyfriends, knew what i felt about them, knew why i had hurt them, and hated them for hurting me. Everyone knows that you can’t tell your parents everything, and that you can’t tell your friends somethings either. There are times when your family can really get you down, there are times when your friends shun you... Through all those times, she was there, telling me that she loved me, will always love me, will always believe in my heart, in my goodness. She somehow connected all the disconnected parts of my world. At a time when i functioned from the belief that nothing lasts, she earned my trust, one molecule at a time, until i came to believe that she would always be there... that she would always last.
And now she’s gone. I never asked to depend on her. I didn’t need her. She forced me to care, she forced me to open up my life and include her in it... Only to take off herself. She saw me at my best and believed in it, more than me. And now i hate her, because with her gone, and all my very specific history with her erased, no one else will know the minutiae of me again... or believe that i used to be unscarred, or know the story behind each of those scars and still believe that i deserve and am able to be loved and cherished... She spoiled me. I hate her for that.
I always thought I was immune to her moves, indulgent of her need for attention and love, gladly giving her both, but knowing somewhere that she wouldn’t get to me. And then she died.
For the record, there’s nothing like death to lend some perspective on your own life. It’s not always a great perspective. You see, i find myself hating her and the cheap trick she pulled with her death. Because more than anything, i realise that over the last decade that i spent with her, she had somehow managed to get under my skin.
At first, not knowing what my anger was about, i directed it straight at her family. They made a decision to pull her off life support, and i hung all my indignation on the fact that they hadn’t consulted with her... that no one knew whether she was ready to go, regardless of how correct the decision was, how hopeless the medical situation had become. In her death, as in her life, control had been wrested from her.
Yesterday, i visited her family. I was there with friends , most of whom i’d made because of her. Her family welcomed me as one of their own. We held each other like lost souls clinging to each other to provide a life raft for all of us. And i realised that they didn’t deserve my anger, indeed that my anger had never been about them at all. The first clue i had of this was when, at the memorial service, i found i couldn’t even look at her photograph, her smiling face, her happy expression. Because i found that i was angry – not with her family, not with “God”... but with her. I hated her.
A decade ago, she found me at a time when i was young, strong, attractive, healthy. Sure, I had a family that hadn’t seen or communicated with each other for years, i’d never had a boyfriend, had a bad self-image and was determined to hurt and break as many things as i could on my way to growing out of my cage of self-loathing. I didn’t need anyone or anything, had no intention of picking up lost strays, least of all someone who laid claim to my friendship as if it was hers. And yet, there she was, depite everything.
Sitting at her memorial, while a ridiculous hymn went on in the background, I finally saw the truth of something - she saw the best in me. She was in my corner regardless of anything that happened. She believed in my nobility, in my honesty, in my strength and vulnerability. She was the only person in my life, who had met my entire dysfunctional family (step-family included), even though the dysfunctional family itself hadn’t met each other. She knew all my boyfriends, knew what i felt about them, knew why i had hurt them, and hated them for hurting me. Everyone knows that you can’t tell your parents everything, and that you can’t tell your friends somethings either. There are times when your family can really get you down, there are times when your friends shun you... Through all those times, she was there, telling me that she loved me, will always love me, will always believe in my heart, in my goodness. She somehow connected all the disconnected parts of my world. At a time when i functioned from the belief that nothing lasts, she earned my trust, one molecule at a time, until i came to believe that she would always be there... that she would always last.
And now she’s gone. I never asked to depend on her. I didn’t need her. She forced me to care, she forced me to open up my life and include her in it... Only to take off herself. She saw me at my best and believed in it, more than me. And now i hate her, because with her gone, and all my very specific history with her erased, no one else will know the minutiae of me again... or believe that i used to be unscarred, or know the story behind each of those scars and still believe that i deserve and am able to be loved and cherished... She spoiled me. I hate her for that.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Rebel without a Cause
Last night, Kosta and I got into one of those unnecessary shouting matches. It all started with him talking about an argument he had with his girlfriend when he said, "Marriage is a dead institution". I'm personally sick and tired of hearing this - it's like beating a dead horse, over and over again, daring it to raise it's head and make us care. The fact is, i agree that the traditional definitions and role-play within a marriage, and even a relationship, has changed dramatically over the last 20 years, leaving a lot of confusion in its wake. But what really annoys me is this - Kosta ALWAYS brings it up.
He's seeing a girl who has been brought up in the world where marriage is taken for granted. She sees herself getting married. She (i assume) wants to marry Kosta because they have been seeing each other for soooo long (1 whole year... see what i mean about changing definitions?). Kosta knew this when he started seeing her, and yet, he keeps railing against lack of autonomy that exists in a 'relationship'.
"There are times when you need space, and i don't get it."
"I want to see my other friends, but she doesn't understand that it's not about her"
"I can't just be."
These have been common refrains i've heard over the last one year and frankly i'm bored. Either get happy about spending time with your loved one, or tell her she's driving you crazy.
It all started when he said that there are only three kinds of relationships possible - sexual attraction, romantic love and companionship. While it is possible that the relationship with one person can touch on all these aspects over its duration, at no point can a relationship have all of them. Which is why, it's abnormal to limit our expectations of all these aspects from one person. Ergo, 'marriage', with it's traditional insistence on deriving all three aspects from one person, is defunct.
One would think that if he's managed to logically deduce this, then it should be easy for him to tell the girlfriend, "babe, i love you, but i want to have sex with someone else and i'd rather just hang with someone else entirely. What say?" Maybe sugarcoat that a bit.
"We have talked about it... it's an ongoing dialogue." Yeah, right. (Remember i said that Kosta is the super-intellectualiser, for whom everything is a mental process? He manages to obfuscate even the simplest desire into a deep analysis of hormone levels and psychosis).
For the girlfriend, it's all an academic discussion because, well... they WILL be getting married. It's understood. And marriage means 'emotional and physical fidelity.' Poor Kosta somehow knows that the wedding will take place, and somewhere in there, he knows that it'll be a marriage which is fairly traditional in its role play. He wishes he could come clean...but he can't. Because he loves her and can't hurt her feelings. And, more importantly, wants her to agree with his perspective. That way, they will be 'together' but also separate. The perfect mix of permanence and no strings. She won't see that as a viable, workable scenario. So instead, he finds me to argue his point with, all the time hoping that some miraculous third-way will become visible to him.
What he doesn't realise is that a third way does exist, has existed for centuries. The only problem is that its followers have invariably been shunned by society or died horrible deaths. The third way is this - to work on the premise that ALL relationships have simultaneous aspects of the three elements - attraction, love and companionship. We are primarily attracted to a person, we love them and care about them and we derive companionship from them. That means, in each of our relationships (and i genuinely mean all - girlfriends, boyfriends, siblings, parents, etc), there exists the possibility of that special connection... that spark (i don't need to cite examples of the elektra, oedipal attractions, gay, lesbian lovers, incest, older woman-younger man, uncle-niece, etc - societal mores dictate how we feel about them, but the fact remains, 'abnormal' rewarding relationships are formed everyday.) It requires that genuine openness to accepting and demonstrating the honest extent of the spark that you feel. And only when there is an equal intensity of the feelings returned by a person, does the relationship take a leap into the sexual and romantic. The down side? It may not always be with an 'appropriate' person.
In short, love the people in your life, express it, welcome it when it's expressed right back at you and always know that all relationships are temporary. Kipling had it right when he said, "Let all men (women too) count with you, but none too much." And don't expect to be the centre of someone else's Universe either.
Freedom comes at a price.
He's seeing a girl who has been brought up in the world where marriage is taken for granted. She sees herself getting married. She (i assume) wants to marry Kosta because they have been seeing each other for soooo long (1 whole year... see what i mean about changing definitions?). Kosta knew this when he started seeing her, and yet, he keeps railing against lack of autonomy that exists in a 'relationship'.
"There are times when you need space, and i don't get it."
"I want to see my other friends, but she doesn't understand that it's not about her"
"I can't just be."
These have been common refrains i've heard over the last one year and frankly i'm bored. Either get happy about spending time with your loved one, or tell her she's driving you crazy.
It all started when he said that there are only three kinds of relationships possible - sexual attraction, romantic love and companionship. While it is possible that the relationship with one person can touch on all these aspects over its duration, at no point can a relationship have all of them. Which is why, it's abnormal to limit our expectations of all these aspects from one person. Ergo, 'marriage', with it's traditional insistence on deriving all three aspects from one person, is defunct.
One would think that if he's managed to logically deduce this, then it should be easy for him to tell the girlfriend, "babe, i love you, but i want to have sex with someone else and i'd rather just hang with someone else entirely. What say?" Maybe sugarcoat that a bit.
"We have talked about it... it's an ongoing dialogue." Yeah, right. (Remember i said that Kosta is the super-intellectualiser, for whom everything is a mental process? He manages to obfuscate even the simplest desire into a deep analysis of hormone levels and psychosis).
For the girlfriend, it's all an academic discussion because, well... they WILL be getting married. It's understood. And marriage means 'emotional and physical fidelity.' Poor Kosta somehow knows that the wedding will take place, and somewhere in there, he knows that it'll be a marriage which is fairly traditional in its role play. He wishes he could come clean...but he can't. Because he loves her and can't hurt her feelings. And, more importantly, wants her to agree with his perspective. That way, they will be 'together' but also separate. The perfect mix of permanence and no strings. She won't see that as a viable, workable scenario. So instead, he finds me to argue his point with, all the time hoping that some miraculous third-way will become visible to him.
What he doesn't realise is that a third way does exist, has existed for centuries. The only problem is that its followers have invariably been shunned by society or died horrible deaths. The third way is this - to work on the premise that ALL relationships have simultaneous aspects of the three elements - attraction, love and companionship. We are primarily attracted to a person, we love them and care about them and we derive companionship from them. That means, in each of our relationships (and i genuinely mean all - girlfriends, boyfriends, siblings, parents, etc), there exists the possibility of that special connection... that spark (i don't need to cite examples of the elektra, oedipal attractions, gay, lesbian lovers, incest, older woman-younger man, uncle-niece, etc - societal mores dictate how we feel about them, but the fact remains, 'abnormal' rewarding relationships are formed everyday.) It requires that genuine openness to accepting and demonstrating the honest extent of the spark that you feel. And only when there is an equal intensity of the feelings returned by a person, does the relationship take a leap into the sexual and romantic. The down side? It may not always be with an 'appropriate' person.
In short, love the people in your life, express it, welcome it when it's expressed right back at you and always know that all relationships are temporary. Kipling had it right when he said, "Let all men (women too) count with you, but none too much." And don't expect to be the centre of someone else's Universe either.
Freedom comes at a price.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Conversations II
You're back
Yes... there have been developments
Oooh... please elaborate
Well, somehow it seems that wherever i turn, there is someone from my past, who wants to get back with me
You mean wants to get into your pants
Most likely, yes. But not just that.
Then?
Remember what i was telling you about Alex and Kosta and Sam... how there had been a chance of building something lasting with them?
Uh huh
Well.. it looks like they're all revisiting that place too. Sam had been hinting for a while that something was afoot. He was attempting to flirt with me (i know this because he told me so. As far as i was concerned, he was just making mildly lewd suggestions because he was bored) and finally just came out and asked me if i was willing to give "us" another chance - to see where it goes.
wow. Sam? The same guy who always went with the flow? Same guy who asked you to make it official - and you agreed - to take it back 5 mins later? same guy with whom you had unending arguments with about nothing? The same guy who...
yep. same guy.
And you're conflicted because?
I'm not conflicted at all. Told him "Thanks but no thanks, life's too short."
It's a pretty big deal for Sam to come around like that...
I don't really care. He's been someone who has barely been around, has treated me like a random acquaintance over the last many months and now seems to be expecting me to swoon at the thought that he wants me now. Why would anyone put up with that?
Ok ok... calm down. If it's bothering you so much, then there's gotta be something there, right?
Not really... i'm just irritated with the whole idea that now that it seems to be the right time for all these guys to want me, i'm supposed to agree or lose a friend. It's fucking annoying.
Who else apart from Sam?
Alex...
Ah ha.
he said he loves me. He was drunk... which is when he's the most affectionate with me. But lately, he had been dropping bricks around like "You spend the most time with me, don't you think you should care what i want?" and "you belong to me", etc
You love him?
Yes I do. He's just a really cool guy. But again - we had a shot together. He ran. Things went up shit-creek. It took me a really long while to get back to even keel with him. And now he "loves me" and i'm supposed to... what? Roll over and play coochie-coo?
What about Kosta?
Well.. nothing about Kosta. in his case, i ran (big surprise!) And then he says that it's 'amusing' to see me scram for cover whenever someone professes to liking or loving me....
Ah ha
Don't 'ah ha' me. I'm pissed off... because maybe he's right. And now there's London Guy.
London Guy LOVES you?
No! He's met me once. But he has said things like 'i don't want to just be friends with you anymore', and 'there's a connection that we have missed with others over the last 15 years...". It all smacks of over-commitment.
Maybe over-commitment is what you're reading into what for him is a genuine emotion... and maybe it suits you to not trust his feelings because that will mean that you have to seriously consider him.
Do i want to? Because serious consideration will just open a gigantic can of worms - the two-country long-distance thing, unless one of us decides to shift base which would mean (for me) turning my whole life topsy-turvy for something that may just fall flat... and then what?
Gosh! I wasn't suggesting marriage and kids already, you know. I just said that maybe long-distance isn't that bad..
Isn't that BAD?? Do you not remember Mocha? Fantastic as long as we were spending 10 days in 2 months but the minute we started living together, it became unbearable - for both of us. And we were in love!
And you aren't in love with London Guy?
No... but i could be.. i mean, given the right circumstances...
Which would be?
I don't know... that maybe he's nice to me.. you know, attentive, loving, funny..
And you don't think he is all of those things yet?
Well... we've met once. And now he wants to come to Bombay to see me. And he's insisting that i come and see him in London, for longer than just a day (i told you that already, right?). But i'm hesitant.
Why? It would be the perfect opportunity to get to know each other, make him understand you, for you to show him your world, your friends..
My friends? I'm not going to introduce him to my friends... I mean, isn't it too early to be introducing friends to each other? There will just be assumptions made, one more person that will be open to discussion and nit-picking if things fall apart...
So you're more confident of things falling apart than staying together?
No, i'm just aware that the nature of the Universe is "from Order to disorder". I mean the multiple variables that need to be just so for two essentially stable individual elements to fuse together to form another stable compound makes it almost a miracle when these things do happen. Right now, we're just in the process of seeing if those variables exist. Introducing a third element in the form of friends may just create a false or unstable environment for that...
So... this is your shot at stability?
I was using a chemistry metaphor.... But think about it... I'm going to be 32 and, as my mom said, this is the time to decide if i want to be in a couple, or be single. The single scene is tired and boring, and it's making me cynical because i'm beginning to believe i can see through people - the cheesy opening lines, the 'witty repartee', the high energy flirting, and the constant struggle for control... all for.. what? a no-strings attached encounter of 21st century love? I think i really want the strings now..even though i may have forgotten what to do with them.... i really want to be out of control, and not fighting for it either. And he seems to want the same things with ME... so maybe i should trust that?
So you ARE planning to trust him, and give him serious consideration despite your reservations about turning your world topsy-turvy...? Because he wants you to?
... Sounds like that, doesn't it? Well.. i'm going on holiday... what else is there to do, huh?
Hmmm... so... you want London Guy? Like.... really WANT him? You feel it?
I don't know... It's been so long since i felt or allowed myself to feel anything romantic... I mean, i don't know if what i'm feeling is passion for the person or pure, unadulterated panic at the thought of getting into something stupid again...
Yes... there have been developments
Oooh... please elaborate
Well, somehow it seems that wherever i turn, there is someone from my past, who wants to get back with me
You mean wants to get into your pants
Most likely, yes. But not just that.
Then?
Remember what i was telling you about Alex and Kosta and Sam... how there had been a chance of building something lasting with them?
Uh huh
Well.. it looks like they're all revisiting that place too. Sam had been hinting for a while that something was afoot. He was attempting to flirt with me (i know this because he told me so. As far as i was concerned, he was just making mildly lewd suggestions because he was bored) and finally just came out and asked me if i was willing to give "us" another chance - to see where it goes.
wow. Sam? The same guy who always went with the flow? Same guy who asked you to make it official - and you agreed - to take it back 5 mins later? same guy with whom you had unending arguments with about nothing? The same guy who...
yep. same guy.
And you're conflicted because?
I'm not conflicted at all. Told him "Thanks but no thanks, life's too short."
It's a pretty big deal for Sam to come around like that...
I don't really care. He's been someone who has barely been around, has treated me like a random acquaintance over the last many months and now seems to be expecting me to swoon at the thought that he wants me now. Why would anyone put up with that?
Ok ok... calm down. If it's bothering you so much, then there's gotta be something there, right?
Not really... i'm just irritated with the whole idea that now that it seems to be the right time for all these guys to want me, i'm supposed to agree or lose a friend. It's fucking annoying.
Who else apart from Sam?
Alex...
Ah ha.
he said he loves me. He was drunk... which is when he's the most affectionate with me. But lately, he had been dropping bricks around like "You spend the most time with me, don't you think you should care what i want?" and "you belong to me", etc
You love him?
Yes I do. He's just a really cool guy. But again - we had a shot together. He ran. Things went up shit-creek. It took me a really long while to get back to even keel with him. And now he "loves me" and i'm supposed to... what? Roll over and play coochie-coo?
What about Kosta?
Well.. nothing about Kosta. in his case, i ran (big surprise!) And then he says that it's 'amusing' to see me scram for cover whenever someone professes to liking or loving me....
Ah ha
Don't 'ah ha' me. I'm pissed off... because maybe he's right. And now there's London Guy.
London Guy LOVES you?
No! He's met me once. But he has said things like 'i don't want to just be friends with you anymore', and 'there's a connection that we have missed with others over the last 15 years...". It all smacks of over-commitment.
Maybe over-commitment is what you're reading into what for him is a genuine emotion... and maybe it suits you to not trust his feelings because that will mean that you have to seriously consider him.
Do i want to? Because serious consideration will just open a gigantic can of worms - the two-country long-distance thing, unless one of us decides to shift base which would mean (for me) turning my whole life topsy-turvy for something that may just fall flat... and then what?
Gosh! I wasn't suggesting marriage and kids already, you know. I just said that maybe long-distance isn't that bad..
Isn't that BAD?? Do you not remember Mocha? Fantastic as long as we were spending 10 days in 2 months but the minute we started living together, it became unbearable - for both of us. And we were in love!
And you aren't in love with London Guy?
No... but i could be.. i mean, given the right circumstances...
Which would be?
I don't know... that maybe he's nice to me.. you know, attentive, loving, funny..
And you don't think he is all of those things yet?
Well... we've met once. And now he wants to come to Bombay to see me. And he's insisting that i come and see him in London, for longer than just a day (i told you that already, right?). But i'm hesitant.
Why? It would be the perfect opportunity to get to know each other, make him understand you, for you to show him your world, your friends..
My friends? I'm not going to introduce him to my friends... I mean, isn't it too early to be introducing friends to each other? There will just be assumptions made, one more person that will be open to discussion and nit-picking if things fall apart...
So you're more confident of things falling apart than staying together?
No, i'm just aware that the nature of the Universe is "from Order to disorder". I mean the multiple variables that need to be just so for two essentially stable individual elements to fuse together to form another stable compound makes it almost a miracle when these things do happen. Right now, we're just in the process of seeing if those variables exist. Introducing a third element in the form of friends may just create a false or unstable environment for that...
So... this is your shot at stability?
I was using a chemistry metaphor.... But think about it... I'm going to be 32 and, as my mom said, this is the time to decide if i want to be in a couple, or be single. The single scene is tired and boring, and it's making me cynical because i'm beginning to believe i can see through people - the cheesy opening lines, the 'witty repartee', the high energy flirting, and the constant struggle for control... all for.. what? a no-strings attached encounter of 21st century love? I think i really want the strings now..even though i may have forgotten what to do with them.... i really want to be out of control, and not fighting for it either. And he seems to want the same things with ME... so maybe i should trust that?
So you ARE planning to trust him, and give him serious consideration despite your reservations about turning your world topsy-turvy...? Because he wants you to?
... Sounds like that, doesn't it? Well.. i'm going on holiday... what else is there to do, huh?
Hmmm... so... you want London Guy? Like.... really WANT him? You feel it?
I don't know... It's been so long since i felt or allowed myself to feel anything romantic... I mean, i don't know if what i'm feeling is passion for the person or pure, unadulterated panic at the thought of getting into something stupid again...
Friday, November 6, 2009
Things I Don't want to Forget..
I went on a long vacation recently, and took a lot of photographs - approximately 400 or so. These photographs were not so great in terms of composition or even clarity, but they captured the essence of the time.
A couple of days ago, on my way back from my extremely long holiday, I lost my camera.
This is my attempt to recapture those moments which were, for me, the highlights of my trip.
1) "Wow... what was that?"
The Artist known as James. Using spare parts of automobiles, James has made a profession out of creating massive pieces of pop culture in all their detail. On Venice beach, he had exhibited pieces of the Predator, Terminator, Alien as well as Wall.E...
In fact, Venice beach will have to be a highlight in itself. The street art, the medical store that prescribes and supplies medical marijuana, the young boy in front of the clinic with a sign that says, "The doctor is in", massive flaggons of sangria, the cold soft sand, the lifeguard's outpost whose metal parts are picked out by the fading sunlight and then the bright moonlight... and through it all, discovering a new friendship.
And then later, when Meg, despite the ravages that chemotherapy has inflicted on her body, completely lost her temper, i was thrilled to hear in her furious voice that the spirit of the girl i loved was intact. She was on her way back, and i was there to see it.
2) "That looks like a UFO.. right?"
The day after i reached, jetlagged and exhausted and completely disoriented, i helped my friends move home. It was surreal in a very fun kind of way. That night, completely shattered and wired, having been refused a drink at the local tavern (because i wasn't carrying ID!), but starting the evening with stolen sips of a leftover stash of tequila, my friends and i made the night a memorable one. Helped along by copious amounts of wine, tequila, weed, etc, the three of us decided to explore the new place. Somehow this involved racing each other in torn footwear, staring at a mist-covered building (the UFO), and laughing... Oh, how much we laughed! Enough to get two warnings from the community security to "keep it down.. or else.." :)
3) "Meet the Folks"
My family, who decided to show me a bit of LA, were wonderful. They're kind, and funny (anyone with tax problems? My aunt's in the IRS! Talk about useful connections!) and young at heart. This very nature allowed them to give me a trip to Universal Studios - the theme park for the movie lovers. Getting up close and personal with the Jaws, the Mummy, the Terminator, Shrek (4D!!! Who needs good seats when the movie is happening around you, huh?), the Jurassic era, the War of the Worlds, the Psycho... absolutely fantastic!
4) "Oh look, naked lady!"
Entry into a strip club - $20
A pint of beer while some pretty semi-naked woman chats you up - $5
A private lap dance - $20
The expression on the faces of my two male friends who look as if they've been allowed into heaven's candy store - priceless
And the life lesson that maybe i really am not into women. Sigh.
5) Welcome to Hollywood!
A couple of days ago, on my way back from my extremely long holiday, I lost my camera.
This is my attempt to recapture those moments which were, for me, the highlights of my trip.
1) "Wow... what was that?"
The Artist known as James. Using spare parts of automobiles, James has made a profession out of creating massive pieces of pop culture in all their detail. On Venice beach, he had exhibited pieces of the Predator, Terminator, Alien as well as Wall.E...
In fact, Venice beach will have to be a highlight in itself. The street art, the medical store that prescribes and supplies medical marijuana, the young boy in front of the clinic with a sign that says, "The doctor is in", massive flaggons of sangria, the cold soft sand, the lifeguard's outpost whose metal parts are picked out by the fading sunlight and then the bright moonlight... and through it all, discovering a new friendship.
And then later, when Meg, despite the ravages that chemotherapy has inflicted on her body, completely lost her temper, i was thrilled to hear in her furious voice that the spirit of the girl i loved was intact. She was on her way back, and i was there to see it.
2) "That looks like a UFO.. right?"
The day after i reached, jetlagged and exhausted and completely disoriented, i helped my friends move home. It was surreal in a very fun kind of way. That night, completely shattered and wired, having been refused a drink at the local tavern (because i wasn't carrying ID!), but starting the evening with stolen sips of a leftover stash of tequila, my friends and i made the night a memorable one. Helped along by copious amounts of wine, tequila, weed, etc, the three of us decided to explore the new place. Somehow this involved racing each other in torn footwear, staring at a mist-covered building (the UFO), and laughing... Oh, how much we laughed! Enough to get two warnings from the community security to "keep it down.. or else.." :)
3) "Meet the Folks"
My family, who decided to show me a bit of LA, were wonderful. They're kind, and funny (anyone with tax problems? My aunt's in the IRS! Talk about useful connections!) and young at heart. This very nature allowed them to give me a trip to Universal Studios - the theme park for the movie lovers. Getting up close and personal with the Jaws, the Mummy, the Terminator, Shrek (4D!!! Who needs good seats when the movie is happening around you, huh?), the Jurassic era, the War of the Worlds, the Psycho... absolutely fantastic!
4) "Oh look, naked lady!"
Entry into a strip club - $20
A pint of beer while some pretty semi-naked woman chats you up - $5
A private lap dance - $20
The expression on the faces of my two male friends who look as if they've been allowed into heaven's candy store - priceless
And the life lesson that maybe i really am not into women. Sigh.
5) Welcome to Hollywood!
A movie premier. the walk of fame. Strolling along santa monica blvd. People dressed as Superman, batman, Captain Jack Sparrow, Napoleon Dynamite. All good. But my favorite part will have to be being introduced to sake at a small japanese dive. Yumm! Oh, and bumping into some celebrity,that no one could really place, but whom my friend almost had an orgasm while trying to point out (Ben Stein, the sleepy professor in the Wonder Years). That was funny.
6) "So long and thanks for all the fish."
6) "So long and thanks for all the fish."
A day spent by myself, exploring the further ends of London. Late October. Bright sunny day. And i walked through Hampstead Gardens, upto HighGate Cemetary, to sit beside a simple stone plaque. This stone plaque had a small golden dolphin, a robot and a few other curios. On the plaque was written "Douglas Adams". I sat beside it, ate a sandwich and somehow felt good after a really long time.
7) "Oh! Hello Stranger!"
There are people i met at almost every step of the way with whom i shared a few moments. The watercolor artist, who wasn't certain her art would be seen by anyone other than herself and maybe a few passersby within Hampstead Gardens, the ex-military octogenarian who loved Bombay almost as much as i did and thought that i was "like sunlight" (*blush*), the bartender at Venice Beach who fixed ginormous drinks and is one of the chief reasons i got completely plastered on one of my most fun evenings... oh! and the very cute guy who stepped off the subway just as i was getting on... I'm going to tell myself there was a moment there... so cute!
8) History Lessons
Speed walking through Washington DC, past the monuments to achievement, great loss and political and financial power, thinking of petitioning the US Government to allow for auto-rickshaw ferries in between the tourist hot-spots, I remember the awkward way my father held me when i burst into tears in front of him for the first time in 20 years. I remember missing my mom. I missed having my family.
9) "Home sweet home"
Landing in Bombay, walking into my silent home, falling down on my perfect bed, finally feeling comfortable about who i was. Through my journey, i'd felt censored - i couldn't talk to my friends about my family (because they didn't really know much), couldn't speak to my father about mom, couldn't speak to my aunt about my father, couldn't speak to my cousins about London Boy, couldn't speak to London Boy about anything... and that was just the tip of the iceberg. And then, i was home. And around 3 am in the morning, two of my friends dropped in on me. And i couldn't talk to them about any of it - because... well, they're not those kind of friends.
I remember thinking that i'd travelled the world, met my entire family, and friends - and i still felt so very alone.
Speed walking through Washington DC, past the monuments to achievement, great loss and political and financial power, thinking of petitioning the US Government to allow for auto-rickshaw ferries in between the tourist hot-spots, I remember the awkward way my father held me when i burst into tears in front of him for the first time in 20 years. I remember missing my mom. I missed having my family.
9) "Home sweet home"
Landing in Bombay, walking into my silent home, falling down on my perfect bed, finally feeling comfortable about who i was. Through my journey, i'd felt censored - i couldn't talk to my friends about my family (because they didn't really know much), couldn't speak to my father about mom, couldn't speak to my aunt about my father, couldn't speak to my cousins about London Boy, couldn't speak to London Boy about anything... and that was just the tip of the iceberg. And then, i was home. And around 3 am in the morning, two of my friends dropped in on me. And i couldn't talk to them about any of it - because... well, they're not those kind of friends.
I remember thinking that i'd travelled the world, met my entire family, and friends - and i still felt so very alone.
Friday, October 30, 2009
The Marriage Dysfunction
My mother said recently, "Now is the time to decide if you're getting married or whether you're ready to be single for the rest of your life." She said it in the context of someone she thought i was on the verge of getting serious with. And ofcourse, her own grandparent-biological clock is ticking - she yearns for the sound of her own grandchildren - something that neither of her children seem inclined to provide in the near future.
Here is my question: What's the deal with marriage? Yes, i understand the innate need to connect with someone, a connection which over time, just becomes richer with meaning and depth. I understand the battle against loneliness.
Over the last few weeks, i have had opportunity to observe a few marriages from closer quarters than usual. My friends and their spouses, my father and his wife, and finally, my cousins. Each marriage is unique in its dysfunction. NOT that dysfunction is necessarily a bad thing. The bottom line is that all these marriages seem almost content.
I wonder if that should really be the goal. I have been raised on stories of 'true love' and that magical link that two people share. And in truth, i have had the privilege of being party to such intimacies. But they have not lasted... perhaps because their unique dysfunction didn't have the ability to also act as the glue. Maybe the opportunity cost of feeding that dysfunction was way higher than the benefits?
Or maybe all of that is a load of bullshit.
An ex of mine recently said, of his new fiancee, "She has brought so much love into the family." That hurt a little because of the implied thought that i hadn't...
Maybe that's what marriage is about.. the ability to channel love into the watering hole that the whole family drinks from. Maybe the inability to do so is my personal dysfunction. And if that is true, then i (and everyone else) shall probably be better off with me choosing the 'single-forever' option.
I guess i'm just hurting a little, because someone i DID like a lot (talk about delayed understandings) appeared to not like me that much. And i think i was party to the classic "reject him before he rejects me" move.
The real dysfunction is that i don't know if that's true. Or whether i'm meandering in the alleys of self-pity because it makes for a better story.
Here is my question: What's the deal with marriage? Yes, i understand the innate need to connect with someone, a connection which over time, just becomes richer with meaning and depth. I understand the battle against loneliness.
Over the last few weeks, i have had opportunity to observe a few marriages from closer quarters than usual. My friends and their spouses, my father and his wife, and finally, my cousins. Each marriage is unique in its dysfunction. NOT that dysfunction is necessarily a bad thing. The bottom line is that all these marriages seem almost content.
I wonder if that should really be the goal. I have been raised on stories of 'true love' and that magical link that two people share. And in truth, i have had the privilege of being party to such intimacies. But they have not lasted... perhaps because their unique dysfunction didn't have the ability to also act as the glue. Maybe the opportunity cost of feeding that dysfunction was way higher than the benefits?
Or maybe all of that is a load of bullshit.
An ex of mine recently said, of his new fiancee, "She has brought so much love into the family." That hurt a little because of the implied thought that i hadn't...
Maybe that's what marriage is about.. the ability to channel love into the watering hole that the whole family drinks from. Maybe the inability to do so is my personal dysfunction. And if that is true, then i (and everyone else) shall probably be better off with me choosing the 'single-forever' option.
I guess i'm just hurting a little, because someone i DID like a lot (talk about delayed understandings) appeared to not like me that much. And i think i was party to the classic "reject him before he rejects me" move.
The real dysfunction is that i don't know if that's true. Or whether i'm meandering in the alleys of self-pity because it makes for a better story.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Some Secrets...
... are just too big to keep within myself.
But i dare not write it here - too many people know i write here, too many hearts will break if they know the truth.
Where do i put this down?
Fuck.
But i dare not write it here - too many people know i write here, too many hearts will break if they know the truth.
Where do i put this down?
Fuck.
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