Conversations II

You're back

Yes... there have been developments

Oooh... please elaborate

Well, somehow it seems that wherever i turn, there is someone from my past, who wants to get back with me

You mean wants to get into your pants

Most likely, yes. But not just that.

Then?

Remember what i was telling you about Alex and Kosta and Sam... how there had been a chance of building something lasting with them?

Uh huh

Well.. it looks like they're all revisiting that place too. Sam had been hinting for a while that something was afoot. He was attempting to flirt with me (i know this because he told me so. As far as i was concerned, he was just making mildly lewd suggestions because he was bored) and finally just came out and asked me if i was willing to give "us" another chance - to see where it goes.

wow. Sam? The same guy who always went with the flow? Same guy who asked you to make it official - and you agreed - to take it back 5 mins later? same guy with whom you had unending arguments with about nothing? The same guy who...

yep. same guy.

And you're conflicted because?

I'm not conflicted at all. Told him "Thanks but no thanks, life's too short."

It's a pretty big deal for Sam to come around like that...

I don't really care. He's been someone who has barely been around, has treated me like a random acquaintance over the last many months and now seems to be expecting me to swoon at the thought that he wants me now. Why would anyone put up with that?

Ok ok... calm down. If it's bothering you so much, then there's gotta be something there, right?

Not really... i'm just irritated with the whole idea that now that it seems to be the right time for all these guys to want me, i'm supposed to agree or lose a friend. It's fucking annoying.

Who else apart from Sam?

Alex...

Ah ha.

he said he loves me. He was drunk... which is when he's the most affectionate with me. But lately, he had been dropping bricks around like "You spend the most time with me, don't you think you should care what i want?" and "you belong to me", etc

You love him?

Yes I do. He's just a really cool guy. But again - we had a shot together. He ran. Things went up shit-creek. It took me a really long while to get back to even keel with him. And now he "loves me" and i'm supposed to... what? Roll over and play coochie-coo?

What about Kosta?

Well.. nothing about Kosta. in his case, i ran (big surprise!) And then he says that it's 'amusing' to see me scram for cover whenever someone professes to liking or loving me....

Ah ha

Don't 'ah ha' me. I'm pissed off... because maybe he's right. And now there's London Guy.

London Guy LOVES you?

No! He's met me once. But he has said things like 'i don't want to just be friends with you anymore', and 'there's a connection that we have missed with others over the last 15 years...". It all smacks of over-commitment.

Maybe over-commitment is what you're reading into what for him is a genuine emotion... and maybe it suits you to not trust his feelings because that will mean that you have to seriously consider him.

Do i want to? Because serious consideration will just open a gigantic can of worms - the two-country long-distance thing, unless one of us decides to shift base which would mean (for me) turning my whole life topsy-turvy for something that may just fall flat... and then what?

Gosh! I wasn't suggesting marriage and kids already, you know. I just said that maybe long-distance isn't that bad..

Isn't that BAD?? Do you not remember Mocha? Fantastic as long as we were spending 10 days in 2 months but the minute we started living together, it became unbearable - for both of us. And we were in love!

And you aren't in love with London Guy?

No... but i could be.. i mean, given the right circumstances...

Which would be?

I don't know... that maybe he's nice to me.. you know, attentive, loving, funny..

And you don't think he is all of those things yet?

Well... we've met once. And now he wants to come to Bombay to see me. And he's insisting that i come and see him in London, for longer than just a day (i told you that already, right?). But i'm hesitant.

Why? It would be the perfect opportunity to get to know each other, make him understand you, for you to show him your world, your friends..

My friends? I'm not going to introduce him to my friends... I mean, isn't it too early to be introducing friends to each other? There will just be assumptions made, one more person that will be open to discussion and nit-picking if things fall apart...

So you're more confident of things falling apart than staying together?

No, i'm just aware that the nature of the Universe is "from Order to disorder". I mean the multiple variables that need to be just so for two essentially stable individual elements to fuse together to form another stable compound makes it almost a miracle when these things do happen. Right now, we're just in the process of seeing if those variables exist. Introducing a third element in the form of friends may just create a false or unstable environment for that...

So... this is your shot at stability?

I was using a chemistry metaphor.... But think about it... I'm going to be 32 and, as my mom said, this is the time to decide if i want to be in a couple, or be single. The single scene is tired and boring, and it's making me cynical because i'm beginning to believe i can see through people - the cheesy opening lines, the 'witty repartee', the high energy flirting, and the constant struggle for control... all for.. what? a no-strings attached encounter of 21st century love? I think i really want the strings now..even though i may have forgotten what to do with them.... i really want to be out of control, and not fighting for it either. And he seems to want the same things with ME... so maybe i should trust that?

So you ARE planning to trust him, and give him serious consideration despite your reservations about turning your world topsy-turvy...? Because he wants you to?

... Sounds like that, doesn't it? Well.. i'm going on holiday... what else is there to do, huh?

Hmmm... so... you want London Guy? Like.... really WANT him? You feel it?

I don't know... It's been so long since i felt or allowed myself to feel anything romantic... I mean, i don't know if what i'm feeling is passion for the person or pure, unadulterated panic at the thought of getting into something stupid again...