A Fever Dream About World Peace

 I read somewhere recently that a billionaire spent upwards of a 100 million dollars to thwart a billionaire tax that, if passed, would have cost him less than the amount he spent on legal fees and bribes. But why would a member of a population widely known for not wanting to pay for anything, open their wallets wider than necessary? And that's when it struck me like a ton of bricks. He wasn't just doing it for himself but also for his little coterie of 3500 billionaire bros around the world - all of whom do NOT want to see the "gateway" tax come into being. 

And you know what? There are 3500 billionaires in the world. What really happens when we tax the pants off them?

Cards on the table - I'm not an economist but it doesn't take an economist to understand that something man-made like the "economy" is supposed to benefit and not crush the maximum number of people who practice it. The other thing is -anything man-made is man-modifiable. So here goes!

Tax the billionaires. There are only 3500 of them. Really.

Make it so that once they make their 1st billion - and this includes assets, investments, shares, liquidity, debt, etc - their earnings are capped. They get a "Nobel Billionaire Award" and henceforth, every year, if the value of their assets surpasses $1 B, the extra is shaved off and put into a Global Billionaire Fund that goes towards projects that the billionaires don't earn from at all. These projects can be anything from space research to astrology whatever - and since they don't earn from it at all, there is no incentive to "maximise" profits for it. Instead they maximise curiosity and efficiency.

To be clear, the companies they founded continue to do the good work of production, marketing, sales whatever and employees continue to earn income and promotions - and get taxed on it - and save and invest and spend on cars and houses and vacations and internet speeds, start their own side hustles etc as per usual. Until a person is making $1B a year, this policy doesn't impact them (except in the best ways - coming up later) It's only the billionaires - old and new - whose income is capped at that billion.

Next, make inheritance laws limited. If you have earned $1B, automatically, when you pass away, you can only pass on 50% of that $1B or $500 M. That means if you have 10 people who love you and will get your assets, each one gets $50M on your death. It's enough to live on, or start a business, or invest wisely so that your kids too have to work or budget to live comfortably. If a person only manages to make $999M in their lives, they have the freedom to will over 100% of their assets. Only billionaires get the 50% cap. 

Don't worry, the inheritors will get the $50M, along with the opportunity to earn upto $950M profits from all their various family companies - until they hit their individual $1B cap. The poor little babies will be fine.

Ofcourse, if you as the billionaire trust your family members, you can allocate the funds and assets and make it so that every member of your household gets to earn a $1B making your family earnings depending on its size, pretty high. But say $100B assets for Musky's whole multi-breeding family and people he considers well-wishers, still is a fraction of the "trillions" he controls, no? And remember, the minute a person's worth crosses $1B, their income is capped, even if it IS a babe-in-arms, who never gets paid for anything else s/he ever does. That doesn't prevent them from learning, volunteering, pursuing passions, teaching, researching, etc. Life is more than the number in the bank. 

Anyhoo. So, what happens with this?

With NO avenue of earning more than $1B, but with the drive and ambition that it took to make that 1B which is their inherent talent, the energies of the billionaires are driven to projects that would improve the world. If they can't profit financially, they should be able to profit through goodwill - which only happens when you actually do good for people. So you fix education and health and environment and labour etc. And when they reforest 10000 acres of land, they get the Golden Forestry Award and goodwill credits. And when they clean up one whole sea, along with safe waste management, they get the Fabulous Marine Award. And when they clean up the air over a state (or whatever), they get more and more goodwill credits that allows them to participate in govt and policy making that doesn't impact their tax limits. They keep busy competing with each other for "billion" goodwill credits - 

- and because of all their good work, quality of life goes up for the 8-9 billion people globally, while cost of living stays the same. In this scenario, that $50M will have just as much value 100 years later as it does today. 

The main problem brought up here is that billionaires are not motivated by money so much as power and influence. To that I say - power and influence towards what end? To make their companies bigger to profit more, yes? To make it to the top of the Forbes list? Yeah, we gave you an award already. You won. You're still only 55 years old. What will you do with the next 50 years of your life?

And if you're not currying favor and bribing politicians and bureaucrats for your self interest - then you don't have to make Human Trafficking Epstein Islands, to blackmail people. 

The final thing is the shell-company game. Where billionaires hide behind companies. Muskrat famously said "I have no money, I just have shares, but I can't go and buy bread with it." But if you can take a loan against it, and can buy companies but not bread, that just makes you a lying chump and you should instead go hire a finance guy. Meanwhile, for the sake of the world, repeal the "company is a separate legal entity" charlatan-speak - an idea that isn't even 200 years old btw.

A company is as legal an entity as a knife. If it's used to commit a crime, a fraud, an embezzlement, it's the person wielding the knife that is punished. If you build a house, everything about the house becomes your responsibility. Nobody walks around saying "the house broke my laptop" do they? There's always a person. Same logic for a company.

Sure, companies can have multiple verticals and accounts and CEOs and employees, but each employee is accountable for their income and their actions. If you're a board member, partner, policy maker in the company, and make money from this company's profits (different from salaries), then you become equally responsible for this company's actions. And yes, you too as an employee and board member, can only earn as much as 1B. Is jail for corruption worth it, if your earnings are capped?

(Tangential Thought : Even Intellectual property - patents, et al - will need to be co-owned by a human. While the benefits of that patent will go into the company's products which it will produce and sell, the ownership benefits must belong to a person/s. This is the inventor. It cannot belong to a company solely, and if the human/s die without making a will, leaving the benefits to their family or loved ones, that patent becomes open-source for the world.) See how suddenly it becomes much more important for billionaire owners of companies to treat their smart people with respect?

Even with land, certain guardrails have to be erected. Land cannot belong to an individual. You can still own a $200 M house if that's your fetish, but the actual soil under it belongs to the planet. You can lease it from the fully funded Planet Trust, if you will, if you want to build that house (is that what property tax is?). This Planet Trust is a collection of people with high-level educational background in environment, geology, zoology, ecology, anthropology, sociology, etc who are trustees of all natural resources on the planet, and decide which parts of the planet will become residential, and which parts will be mined for resources, which parts will become grazing/ agriculture properties, where roads will be built, which parts will remain ecologically sacrosanct, etc etc. 

Which brings me to the government. We know of the 5-year cycle of election. This is rubbish because so many policies during a govt's stay are designed to manipulate people into voting for them in the "next election" and keeping them in, rather than things that are actually important for the people. And the people who get elected are lying little career charlatans, who can be bribed *cough*Israeli AIPAC fund!*cough*. So - we scrap elections.

Stay with me.

Instead we introduce the voluntary/draft jury system of assignment of "a government of your peers, by your peers, for your peers". Every 3-10 years, from a citizen pool of the nation / state, from among college graduates between the ages of 28-58, we random-select 200-1000 people who are then semi-randomly made to run different departments as per their aptitude. This can be defense, housing, health, traffic, education, women's / children's welfare, infrastructure, finance, etc.

 Their only mandate would be to make and follow through on policies that will improve the world, the same world they will go back to living in within 3-10 years, back to regular jobs. Populate each department with experts in the field, and let the outgoing Head of Department or "minister" handover their recommendations to the new "minister" about next steps of projects in their purview, companies with good/bad track records, vision for the future, cross-department liaisons, history of interpersonal chaos if any, etc. After their draft is done, they have no skin in the game except to go back and live among the people whose lives they hopefully made better. 

And finally someone for the big picture consolidation, the "Prime Minister / President" if you will. An independent board of directors - the Planet Trust with individual country chapters maybe? - of trustees also random selected for 7-10 years - of experts and heads of companies from different fields with voices from finance, science, defense, societal research and academia, creative arts, sports, energy, environment, some members of the billionaire club (depending on goodwill credits), etc etc who vote on recommendations as presented by the "ministers" and a final budget allocation for each of these initiatives. No nonsensical tax shifts away from the billionaires (because let's face it, they will continue to want to make more money), but about how to use the money in the billionaire fund and other resources to build a sustainable life - for everyone.

Now what happens with this set up? Money that was only moving vertically into the hands of 3500 people, starts getting spread laterally across the world of billions of people. Labour gets compensated fairly, living-well wages (not minimum wages) become the norm regardless of country, all jobs become "respectable" and class-disparity starts closing. General quality of life improves with better / cheaper / free access to health, education, research, environment, etc. Meritocracy becomes the norm because if regular people are going to make policy decisions, they will need to be educated well. 

Corruption drops because if food, shelter, health, environment insecurities disappear, people wouldn't give up their moral core so easily for more money. 

And yes, people who are not very bright or have tiny earning capacities, they get to coast along because well, why not? Go paint a scenery badly. Read a book. Talk to birds. Deal with your parent's schizophrenia. Have coffee with friends. Start a drum circle - why not?? If peer-govt and the billionaire fund are solving the problems of hunger, shelter, health and environment because they can and want to - then why does the Average Joe really need to earn so much? More people want to fall in love and have families and game nights with friends and learn and nurture their interests than want to earn a billion dollars. And if people are allowed to rest, that's where genius - musicians, artists, technology innovators, etc - will spring from.

And finally, once people get out of the loop of constant insecurity, guess whose mental health improves? Everyone's. Which means, fewer trauma episodes. Fewer parents hurting kids. Better relationships. Lesser Crime. Lesser abuse. Lesser addiction. Lesser war.

It means finally understanding that we're all on the same side, with similar needs, dreams of rest and love and beauty and connection. That all of it is within reach.

Once all of us tell those 3500 people, enough is bloody enough. 

No wonder that billionaire doesn't want the gateway tax. It won't change his life very much but it will surely change the world as he knows it. And that's a beautiful thought.

Dating 101 - We're all Shelter Animals

Recently a friend of mine asked me how my sex life was going. I thought about it for a while and then realised that I hadn't had sex with another person in 6 months. He was surprised and asked me why and I said, "Just haven't met someone worth the trouble since then." The truth however is a bit more complex than that. You see, I haven't even missed sex-with-another because the last few times, I found that it... bored me. I mean, it was pleasurable and exciting sometimes and at others sweet and adequate but it wasn't enough to make me pick up the phone and call for repeats. It felt - if you remove the adjectives - merely functional.

To put "functional" in perspective, here are a few other things that are functional - eating food, brushing teeth, showering, scratching an itch - none of which need another human being to be achieved. When sex falls into the same category, all the things that make sex great for me - intimacy, abandon, thrill - go sailing out of the window. And functional doesn't seem like a good enough pay off for the awkward post-coital chit chat.

But his next question changed the trajectory of the conversation. He said, "That's a long time to not be dating... right?" I laughed out loud. Jesus, I haven't dated in yeeeaaarrsss! I may not be entirely celibate but oh boy am I single. He looked confused about that and I explained to him that dating and sex, while great if they overlap, are not always in the same subsets of the venn diagram of human relationships. 

Which is a huge problem for said human relationships btw, because somehow we have come to equate casual sex (or sport-sex as a friend describes it "for the love of the game") with "no feelings". Which somehow has erased all expectations of affection, consideration, respect, caring from said casual sex. These things are what we offer even casual acquaintances, but weirdly, when it comes to people we get naked with, it's "too messy". And if sex is only about the functional release, why would anyone bother to learn to handle another whole person and their idiosyncrasies and annoying aspects for what is ultimately a momentary experience? Is it then a shock that people worldwide are having less sex? 

Not really. Because when we interact with people, what we're really looking for is connection, because from there come the essential feelings of safety and belonging that are the absolute bedrock of who we are as humans. It's why we have always succeeded in communities and become food when solo. Ironically, we also keep feelings away because we assume that THAT keeps us emotionally safe. After all, no one can hurt us, if we're not vulnerable to them. And round and round the merry-go-round we go, building our safety walls higher and higher as we keep out the very thing that keeps us human.

And that's where DATING is essential. 

To be clear, swiping on online apps isn't dating. At its best, it presents an opportunity to meet someone you wouldn't otherwise have and that's it. But what happens between those two people, and what they make of this opportunity, is entirely upto those two people only. And often, there are two ways it can go.

I think of it as browsing vs adopting - and let's use an animal shelter analogy. Browsing in an animal shelter is a function of boredom, restlessness, a passing interest to fill some available time, the dopamine spike of furry curiosity and regard for a stranger that you can pretend is actual love for you, and boosts your imagination of what that pet would make you feel and who you could be perceived as if you infact got a pet. But close on the heels of that is the thought about the smells, the pooping, the changes you'd have to make in your home and schedule and maybe there's another better animal out there who would be more suited to you not changing a thing about your life while getting you all the benefits of being a pet-owner. So yes, browsing-as-dating is nice but you're gonna keep looking for the ideal animal that doesn't smell, or poop, or misbehave, or isn't sick or needs a vet. Mostly though, you're not looking for a pet, you're just looking for a warm, loving body, without the responsibility of keeping it warm or loving.

On the other hand, there's adopting. It's about a real, tangible awareness of what you're missing. You walk into a shelter with a clear idea of what you're looking for. Need to guard your property? Need a companion to share your adventures? Someone that will get you out of the house no matter what? Someone who'll ground you as you fall into a ptsd moment? Or be more or less always be happy to see you if you treat them right? Someone you like, just because. In those moments, pooping, smells, vet and food bills, etc don't come into play because those are the givens of getting a pet. Along the way, you allow for surprises. The guard dog who loves to chase balloons. The rabbit that will accompany you for walks only after you put a leash on them. The turtle that spends an hour to climb onto the roomba cleaner and then spends the whole day moving around the house.

I have a cat that does absolutely nothing. Sleeps for 16 hours a day, watches me for part of the time she's awake, comes by whenever she needs cuddles, disrupts my workday if it interferes with her cuddles, swats me away if I'm interrupting her non-cuddle time, has scratched me up in multiple ways, and insists on only the higher end diet. And I knew within 10 mins of interacting with her that I wanted her forever. Why? Because I had the space and an almost unstated deep need for someone to love. That was 13 years ago.

My point being - unless you have a deeper need, and are willing to fulfil it, you won't be good at adopting-as-dating. I was lucky that someone literally dropped my kitten in my lap and things worked out, but I acknowledge that was luck. It never occurred to me to walk into an animal shelter. 

Now equate an animal shelter with a dating app, and things become clearer. Because that's what an app is - a collection of abandoned, hurt, confused living beings looking for their forever home, wondering what about them will make the next person hold on to them longer this time. And with each visitor, the rejections pile up, the thoughtless, time-wasting browser causes further emotional grief. And you decide to make the tests harder for them before they can touch you. With every new prospect, you growl louder or cold shoulder harder, not only to test their commitment to you but actually to their own needs. And you do the same to yours.

Which is why I have a 3 - visit rule.  If in 3 visits - or dates - you don't feel like taking them home (not in a sex way but in a "you should meet my best friend" way), then it's time to shift your attention to the next match. And for this to work, every date must count, which means it must have feelings involved.

Dating is about sincere intention. It's the little indie movie gem in a market of blockbusters that will stay in your mind long after you've left the theatre. It's the one with the silent long-stare across the room, as opposed to the one with automatic gun fire and time travel and the sheer bombast with nothing at stake. Nobody ever woke up and said they liked feeling nothing. We like stakes. We like feels. In movies and in life. And no matter how much easier it is to consume the pop-crackle blockbuster, deep down you know it's the feels that sate you. But how to set yourself up for the feels? 

There are a few basic things that one needs to keep absolutely top-of-mind when it comes to dating:

1) Attraction is the baseline. After the first meet-and-greet thanks to the app (these are NOT dates!), agree to go out with only those people you are attracted to at that time. Don't go out with them in the hope that you will become attracted to them once you get to know their trauma - that hardly ever happens. You met each other, you saw how they smile and ordered coffee. If you don't find yourself even once wondering what it would be like to kiss them... it's over.

To be perfectly honest, I haven't always followed this. Why? Because I didn't believe that attraction is something you discover in the first meet. I have always been an advocate of "good things take time" but after a few real life attempts at the "don't be shallow!" thing, I know now that "good things" implies intimacy, safety, goofiness, etc and not the gut-pull of "Yummmy!" That last thing you know immediately.

Apologies to all the people I led on thinking that building on friendship will lead to passion. It hasn't yet for me. It's even worse when people you're not attracted to treat you like crap. Ugh... talk about double-whammy betrayals, yikes! Moving on.

2) If you meet someone whom you're attracted to, but who is showing no signs of asking you out, you have to ask them out, even if it is to confirm that they really don't like you. Very dicey step, full of rejection potentials. But necessary. Why?

Because, as a corollary to Point (1) above, if you have chosen to only go out with people you're attracted to, and if you have a certain amount of self-awareness, you already know how rare it is to be genuinely attracted to someone. Now you owe it to yourself to see if that attraction is mutual and could hold over a stretch of time. Someone once said, there are greater chances of you regretting something you didn't do, rather than what you did. So ask them out. Use a variation of the following words "Hi! This is probably unexpected and maybe uncomfortable. But I think you're cute / attractive / intriguing and I'm hoping single. If so, I'd love to take you out for a drink / coffee / dinner and get to know you better. Is that something that would interest you?"

Here's what this kind of approach does. It clearly explains where you're at (you're attracted to someone) and your motives (get to know someone better) while simultaneously checking to see if the focus of your attraction feels the same way about you. That way, if the worst happens (s/he says no, or laughs at you *gasp*), you know that you gave it your most authentic shot and you can move on. 

Do NOT follow up with "Or we can just hang out and see what happens" because that opens the door to a situationship - and the situation is this. You're attracted sexually, but your knees are trembling and you can't stand up for what you want. So you give yourself the soft landing of "it was just a hang out no big deal" when you know it was a big deal. And that's just weak tea - for everyone! The thing with chasing the feels is that you gotta be honest about what you truly feel.

Remember point (1), if they were attracted to you, they'd go out with you on a date. Everything else is bench-warming.

3) S/he said yes! Congratulations! That means s/he agreed to the shared intention of getting to know each other better, with a shared attraction to the other. That's not where it ends. Now is the time to set the timeframe for the date. My personal preference is something about 18-36 hours later ie the next day or the day after that latest. Short enough to keep the momentum going, but long enough to not feel rushed. Check for their availability and general location so that the time-date-venue can be finalised. Why? Because without a specific plan, so far you only have a general intention. Just like many other people in your crush's life who hope to at some point in the future someday when everything works out for both of them and they have the time and are in the city and not too tired and their schedules don't clash and... and... and...

While that sentence finishes, you'd already be in front of your crush, having transitioned from casual to personal life. Yaay you!

4) Now for the actual date. Plan for something low-pressure that can end within 30-45 mins if things aren't clicking, but also can be extended if needed. Coffee / drinks followed by dessert. A stroll in the park followed by ice cream. It doesn't have to be grand and elaborate or filled with surprises. This is a first date, and you're checking to see if the attraction builds over a short but exclusive interaction, unsupported by group shindigs or mutual friends. 

But something interesting needs to happen and this is the time for you to answer the question :  How exactly did you intend to "get to know the other person better" after bringing them to a venue? Did you do something fun (bring flowers or goofy hats) and see their reaction to you? Did you have some fun games / questions in mind?  Or did you just want to see how they eat? Yes conversation should be free flowing but this was your idea so you need to have a few cards up your sleeve. This is the time to let your personality shine and yes, see if they react well to you. And vice-versa.

My personal choice is doing something that allows you to get physically close and casually touch the other person. The physical touch barrier needs to be breached - not just in a hello-hug way but in a hand-holding way. This is important because your body knows what your mind doesn't yet, and answers the question "do we want more of this or less?" 

Recently I discovered that someone I like going out for dinner with, isn't someone I look forward to kissing because when my friend asked me to imagine what it would be like, my immediate gut reaction was "eww". It was a shock to me to realise that what my brain considered respectful non-handsiness was in fact non-attraction. And ever since that discovery, texting him just doesn't feel the same.

Sigh.

5) All of this is good. BUT, the chances of cancellation are pretty high in the gap between setting the date and the actual date. It's the cooling off period between the high of being asked out and the daunting reality of actually spending an hour or so in the company of someone you don't know very well. There will be sudden deaths in the family, or high pressure work deadlines or just unexpected trips to the airport that just have to be made to pick up Uncle Rob who's really old and blind and in a wheelchair. Needless to say, "cooling off" is not a good thing. The idea is to pre-empt it.

Ah, the delicate dance of the pre-empt. Too little, and your crush will likely see that as a sign of your dwindling interest, too much and it's stalkerish. The sweet spot ofcourse is anywhere on this spectrum but with a huge dollop of sincerity and / or surprise. 

Someone I dated for a bit used to leave sealed handwritten notes for me with the barista of the neighborhood coffee shop. Yes, he had my number but the fact that he could get something to me without knowing my address, and get me excited by simply sending a text saying "There's something waiting for you at the coffee shop" - clearly he stayed on my mind even now, more than a decade after the said dates!  

Again, this is a moment for your personality to shine, to impress the other person, to have them be excited about you. Use the in-between time, confirm the plan, send intriguing yet fun texts, check in on how they're feeling about the date, any nerves, schedule stresses, etc. Offer to solve what you can, be flexible within reason, and continue to be interested. 

Another person I dated for a bit made it a habit to send me off-key made up lyrics and songs about how he was feeling. "Have you forgooooottennnn that we are meeeeeeeeeting tomorrooooooowwww, I have tingles, do you like jingles, LASAGNA!" Needless to say, I was amused, excited, and got really relaxed with the amount of goofiness that made it low pressure. We're still friends to this day.

Which brings me to the good news. The truth is that if someone agreed to go out with you, they really wanted to at an instinctive level. Then they got the time to think about it, and their rationality kicked in. Maybe they remembered their past dating history and are wondering if starting again is worth it, maybe they mistakenly double-booked and cancelling on you feels more convenient because you're still an unknown variable and what they don't know, they won't miss. Maybe they're feeling broke. Who knows?  The good news is - it's easier to tackle a rational objection than it is to convert an instinctive rejection. So be confident in the knowledge that your crush's instinct is rooting for you, even while their rationality is trying to protect them. Find an indirect way to reassure them that you're not someone they need protecting from. And letting them know that you're nervous too but also excited while also grounded enough to know it could all go to shit - that's a good start. Sincerity is sexy!

6) Dress up and smell good for the date because you want the object of your attraction to be increasingly attracted to you. It's not about lying, but about creating a memory. Twenty years down the line, you want them to remember how it felt to see you on your first date. Dating is simply about creating some fabulous memories with each other before the relationship hits its first obstacle of many. Because it's usually those special memories that will tide you both over the ornery days, and remind you why you should stick with each other. It's not about the venue but about bringing your best self to the table. It's not just a coffee - it's a coffee with your crush. It's a date, not a hangout. It's supposed to be romantic and flirty and hopefully sexy too.

7) Drink wine and ask each other personal questions with the confidence in the knowledge that both of you are somewhat attracted to each other. No, not those limited to "what do you do, how many siblings, where did you grow up, oh! your favorite food is chinese, cool!" and no, not the "what's your sexual fantasy?" type of nonsense either, though hopefully that will show up sometime around the 7th significant date, after the other trust-building significant dates. And trust takes way longer than a beverage and an appetizer. It requires escalation, it requires risk, it requires the readiness to be wrong and the readiness to repair. That's a relationship - the holy grail - but we're still at the first date. So personal questions - and best to make a game of it. 

Someone I started dating seriously once pulled out a multicolored jenga tower and made a game out of asking blue-green-yellow-orange-red coded questions depending on which tile we pulled out successfully. And whoever dropped the tower did a shot or a dare. He found out I'm allergic to something in mints but that it didn't put me off the stuff, and I discovered that the scar on his wrist was a childhood interaction with a hot saucepan, even though he told all his friends it was a motorbike accident. More than that, it told him I didn't sweat the health stuff and it told me that he lied sometimes if it made him look good. Both important pieces of information if you think about it.

The idea is to make it fun. But everytime I start writing this section, I'm pummeled by the vast amount of nonsensical "these 4 questions will tell you everything you want to know about him" and "know what he wants fast and stop wasting time" and other snap-to-it data gathering interviews that first dates have become. 

The truth is - first dates are the worst possible time to get information. Everyone is nervous, anxious, struggling against hope and fear, grasping with sweaty hands at this perhaps last shot at someone you're attracted to. You and your date are trying to put your best foot forward, but you're also faced with a lifetime of bad habits that you're hoping won't sabotage it. You're also trying to protect yourself from crushing disappointment while being mindful of the other person. Hopefully. So... fun and sincerity are the only first-date vibes you need.

7a) The necessary addendum to this is - and I can't believe one has to write this these days -:- Follow Up With Kindness. The personal questions game isn't just an opportunity to talk and ask questions but to exhibit curiosity and practice vulnerability. You do this by asking follow up questions. "Oh, you don't care about the mint allergy? What else are you allergic to that you tolerate?" Or "Any other scars you've made up macho stories about?" etc etc. NOT "Oh, I guess you just lie about everything then / don't care about your health." Because that is presumptuous and designed to make the other person defensive. A defensive date isn't a responsive date, because they don't feel safe around you, no matter what the pick up artist book told you. 

8) The Bill : The rules are simple. Whoever asked the other person out, they pick up the check. AND it helps the vibe if the guy does it anyway. Because the check isn't a financial decision, it's an emotional one. If the woman asked the guy out, planned where to go and what to do, picking up the tab is the only tangible way the guy shows his appreciation for the date. But if the guy asks the woman out, and wants nothing in exchange for it - not her wallet, not her body - it allows the woman to consider a second date from a place of warm fuzzy feels. It's not about equality. A woman feels self-sufficient when she picks up the check. And why not? She picks up the check all the time in her regular life. She pays the maid, and the driver, the dry cleaner, the cook, the grocery store check-out lady, the repair guy, the valet, the hotel bill for her travels, etc etc. But she doesn't date a service provider. And similarly, when she pays for the date, the loop closes for her. "Thank you for the service of entertaining me this evening, and if a slot opens up when I want to be entertained again, I may reach out to you. If I remember." To be clear, you split checks with friends, not someone you're trying to be memorable for. 

9) If you liked him / her, make another plan quickly, but for 2-4 days later. And all previous rules apply, except now you're watching to see if you and s/he are both more invested or less. Is the texting easier, have texts moved to calls or voicenotes, is attraction acknowledged and built on, or is it uncomfortable? Is that feeling in your stomach excitement or dread? Your body will always know before your mind does, and these 2-4 days will help you process it. And while you do, plan for something that's not just sitting across a table and making conversation. "Hey, next week I wanted to watch this movie, you want to go too?" Or "Hey, there's this professor who takes classes in a bar, he's coming this weekend. Do you want to go?" Or "I'm doing my monthly grocery shopping day after. Wanna go together and make it fun?" Because dating is also about building memories and having new things to build a shorthand around. "Remember at the lecture when you asked that question and his face went red?" Now that's a story that uniquely belongs to just the two of you. 

If you do reach the 3rd date / visit, with all the sincerity and openness you can muster, you will know for certain if you're window shopping or ready to adopt. If you're ready for your bestie to look at this warm body you're beginning to have warm fuzzy feels for, and take his / her opinion of the inevitable pooping and smells and the scratches and the expected expenses and space needs and see if you still want to take on a whole other human being, their feelings, needs, desires - or if you just really like to visit the shelter on your days off - you will inevitably know more about yourself - and isn't that a goal? To know thyself - and thus begins wisdom?

I think I really want to teach a class on dating etiquette.
Or maybe start a pet daycare.
But nobody's hiring :(

What If Everyone Just Did Their One Job?

 A man falls in love with a girl, and decides to be with her for as long as he can

He decides to ensure that she feels loved, safe, and unburdened (not uninformed) by him

Instead of wondering where he is, she feels secure enough in his steadiness

That she can easily offer 80% of her life force to make another human from 2 cells

Knowing full well that he is there to replenish her with the 80% she needs

To live thereafter.

The parents offer the child the space needed to feel loved, safe and unburdened

As the child learns to navigate its multiplying cells, the confusion of being thrust into a world not of its making, but his to undertake.

The people, the noise, the colors, the emotions, the pains, the conversations, the crises

And each time he returns to the parents, who make him unburdened, and safe

For as long as needed. Almost forever.

Almost.

And the child becomes an adult, and starts building a space that makes him feel safe, loved and unburdened.

He finds it in friends, in jobs, in a smile from the right person, in purpose.

In the landlord who charges fairly, the insurer who pays up, the banker who keeps his money safe, in the cop who arrests the rulebreakers. 

The rule they broke? The cardinal one - To keep people safe and unburdened.

Because every adult out there is a child who left his home and is looking for another place to feel safe, loved and unburdened.

And every job we do – the teacher, the gardener, the engineer, the technocrat, the judge, the politician – exists to only answer one question.

“What can I do to make the most people feel safe and unburdened?”

To make sure that bridges don’t fall, that roads are traversable, the air is breathable

That people have homes, that food isn’t wasted, that sickness is treated, that water is clean

That voices are heard, that laughter is easy, and spirits are unbroken.

Why build missiles against such a people? Why grab at land pockets when the whole planet is safe? Why cut down forests that cleans our air? Why make materials that will scorch the planet? Why kill and eat children, when the whole world keeps them safe?

Can you imagine that world? A world that you meet with curiosity rather than apprehension? A world that IS the safety net for the adventures you choose to go on? At any corner of the planet, you will meet many who will care about what makes you feel safe and unburdened as easily as you sip a matcha at a café in the main street of your city. Imagine safety being as unplanned and careless as gravity.

‘Yes, you can leave your bag here, yes you can wear that dress, yes this stranger can take you where you want to go, yes that’s a high that won’t kill you, yes you can walk through the park alone at night, yes the unisex bathroom is safe, yes this home is within your means, yes there’s easily available senior care, yes that surgery is affordable, yes you are safe, yes you are loved, yes, yes, yes.’

That's the one job we need to do to live in the world. The one decision we must make.

But instead, we put grifters in charge of security, criminals in charge of justice, human-haters in charge of health, cannibals in charge of food, warmongers in charge of peace. We put people who embody relentless hunger and anxiety in charge of providing love and safety, and we reward them handsomely when they break that single cardinal rule and fail over and over and over again.

And then we wonder why the world is what we made it and why nothing changes.

The Social Media Spiral

 You know what Social Media is really good for? It’s for posting stories that last 24 hours on your timeline, and then checking back to see if THAT GUY looked at it. And then when you see that he did, it doesn’t matter who else saw the little piece of your brain out there for public consumption, you just smile because your day is a little bit better.

You know what’s even more fun? When you start timing how quickly he sees the post. Once he was among the first 5 people to see it. It makes you think “does he have special notifications on for my shit?” Does he rush to the app to see what you said like you do to see if he read it? I mean, it HAS to mean something right? Even your closest friends sometimes miss your posts but he doesn’t.

And then you wonder- Hmm, should you reach out? You smile to yourself as you stare at his name, thinking you look cute and mischievous but the security camera proves you look like a deranged homeless person plotting to kidnap your neighbor’s dog. Fortunately, this is a very brief phase of madness before better sense prevails. Better Sense reminds you that he could have messaged you too, and not just limited himself to creeping on your posts. Obviously, he’s just not that into you.

Problem solved.

Your self-respect is intact. And ofcourse, he’s creeping on you – you’re fabulous and if he doesn’t appreciate that enough to do something about it, he’s clearly not worth the time you’re investing in him. Now you can move on. You never have to think about him again. What a relief! 

And when you wander around your one-bedroom apartment, you definitely don’t wonder what he’s up to, what his life is like, what – if anything – could be getting in the way of him reaching out to you, dammit!

You take a deep breath, use all the techniques that somatic Yoga has taught you about regulating your emotions and finding your centre – a centre that’s only focussed on you. But if you’re being totally honest with yourself, it IS that “centre” that is focussing on him too, isn’t it? That centre wants him. His sharp jawline, his quirky smile, his amused eyes that are so far off the ground that you have dreams of being a basketball player. And it’s not just that he’s a pretty face and a hot body. He’s also smart but self-effacing in a charming way. Despite being wildly successful in his industry, he jokes about his back up plans of being an Uber driver if things don’t work out for him.

He's sweet and funny and quite lovely. And you tell yourself it’s okay to think good things about a person, without conflating it with desire. After all, you CAN appreciate a man without obsessing about him. You CAN care about someone – after all, you’re a compassionate, empathetic person and thinking about his qualities reminds you of all the other good things in the world.

And that’s when the other good thing about social media comes up. It’s not just about posting your own stream of consciousness, it also offers the opportunity to wander through his feed, look at whom he’s spending his time with since he’s not spending any with you, zoom in to his expression in a grainy group photo to see if he’s happy and where his hands are resting and WHO THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH LEANING ON HIM???

Another deep breath. There’s no need to abandon your grip on rationality. You’re a grown woman with skills and a vast reservoir of peace and you know how to draw upon that as you click on the picture to see who else is tagged. You’re overjoyed that he’s surrounded by so many close friends – like he should be because he’s pretty wonderful - including that Shailene Woodley look-alike who, if you go by her feed, looks like she’s got a bunch of other friends and seems to enjoy the outdoors and honestly, seems pretty cool.

It gives your sisterhood brain a boost to see that she’s into volunteering with dogs, works in STEM and rocks a labcoat, and doesn’t post too much to social media because before you know it, you’re deep in her feed and you forgot that she’s not your friend, that in fact apart from one common friend – yes, THAT GUY – you have no mutuals and how the hell will you explain the traitorous RED HEART you put on her post about completing a marathon 4 YEARS ago???

Ohgodohgodohgod! There’s only one common friend. It’s HIM. She will ask him about you, the STALKER on her post, and everyone who even remotely understands social media will know how and why you reached there! And so, in that moment of adrenaline-and-shame-fueled problem-solving mode, you do the only thing that makes sense. You send follow requests to a bunch of people she follows and hope like hell, atleast a few will accept your desperate plea, just so it seems that there was more than just one person who could have led you to her profile – and that you’re not at all stalker-ish.

Which brings me to the other thing about social media. Very few people that aren’t commercial accounts have more than a handful of people they follow. And usually, those follows are a reflection of real life connections. That means if STEM GIRL ever talks to her friends about weird stalker - you - atleast 7 of her friends will tell her about how you added them as friends too. Now, you’re not just the random accidental stalker on her profile, now you’re the slightly unhinged probably gay obsessive who needs to be blocked.

And if STEM girl cares about THAT GUY, which she would even if they’re only friends, she will tell him about the unhinged person on his profile that he needs to watch out for. Again, that’s you.

For better or worse (it’s worse, trust me), you would have got his attention. After 8 years of no real life contact.

And then you do the only thing possible on social media. You shut down the app, bury your phone under the pile of clothes that are currently adorning the Chair, and you dig deep through your mortification and self-criticism to find the roiling waters of your peace and scream into the void “How stupid are you, you dumb shit! Aaarrrggghhhhh!”

Until two days later, you creep back on to your social media. You discover some of those 7 DID accept your request and you wonder about the fate of these young women who just allow total strangers into their social media lives. After all, you could have truly been a stalker-scammer. You then click open the message tab which has some 10 people pebbling your DMs – all memes – but none from HIM.

You go to his feed. No new posts. No new stories. Nothing. But you're still following each other.

So you post something on your 24-hour story feed. You wait. And after a few minutes, you notice that he’s seen the post. And that makes you smile.

Everything is right with the world. Atleast on social media. 

If only real life was this easy. 

Post Therapy Insecurity Disorder

 This has been a HELL of a year and I see no end to it, regardless of the fast-approaching December. 

It started with the death of my step brother. Then my genetic brother cut off ties with me. Then someone hijacked my work, and other work opportunities inexplicably dried up. Then a lot of what I had worked on over the last couple of years went up in smoke. In my industry, where your next job depends on what you did last, this is much worse than it sounds. Not to mention the amount of gaslighting and ghosting from colleagues and friends which hit me straight in my abandonment issue feels. Then, while visiting my extended family, my father treats me like crap - and for the first time in many years, I realise that perhaps I'd been wrong to think that my family had a chance. Maybe I should have focused on building my own separate dysfunctional family unit and not so much been the glue for the one I was born to. Then another friend died, making me face my mortality - again. And finally someone who barely knows me called me "sweet"! SWEET?? When did I lose my scary acerbic edge and get ground into this polite pulpy mess that everyone feels completely okay walking all over?? I feel like I've lost my grip on who I am, and it's making me question everything about my choices, my supposed talent and my vision (or lack thereof) for my future. It's November and I'm shaken. It's been a messy year.

And so, I'm back in therapy. I say "back" loosely, because the last few times I've indulged, I used it mostly to tackle the visible issues and not THE BIG ISSUE, you know.

For example : Sam dumped me - TWICE! - and Doc, I just want to know, is it a normal breakup when someone takes you on a holiday, makes love to you and the next day says he doesn't feel the love anymore? And then spends the next few months convincing you to get back and then breaks up with you on the day your lease is over and you're moving in with him? Is that normal or as truly horrific as it feels? Or Doc, I tried to kill myself with Vodka and pills and is it normal to feel totally cut off from people and absolutely not expect things to get better ever? 

And every time I got an answer that made me feel better, and more aligned with what felt real, I moved on. Yes, Sam was a shit and that breakup was bananas. And no, you can't be blamed because you trusted someone who pretended to be trustworthy. Yes, you are depressed because your best friend died and also you haven't dealt with the how your entire self identity got tossed around thanks to Sam being an unworthy tool.

So, the minute I was told that I wasn't insane to be feeling how I was, I moved on and got on with life. I'm not crazy after all, regardless of how many times and how many boys who loved me have tried to tell me I am. 

But this time, after my intensely painful solo trip with my father, I came back into therapy. Doc, is it wrong for me to want a family that behaves well with each other, talks lovingly with each other, so I don't have to carry the load of everyone's discontent? Doc, after so many years of regular interaction, is it wrong for me to expect my father or brother to like me, maybe even understand me? Or is there something truly wrong with me that people look at me and decide "Meh, it's okay to hurt that." Also, I'm in my mid 40s... shouldn't I be done with these childish things? Weeeeeelllll.....

And finally, my shrink and I started on THE BIG ISSUE. And cliche as it is, doesn't it always go back to 'mommy and daddy lied' foundations?  Mostly, they lied about being the grown ups. They lied about being mature self-less adults, or knowing what was best for their kids, and even about raising emotionally secure kids. How could they? No one had done it for them either. As a result, the child figured that this is what a happy family looks like - when someone makes you feel like you have to work for their love or they will go away, when someone explains to you how you're not matching up to their expectations of good behavior and that results in them leaving you to fend for yourself, when someone makes it your responsibility to be the 'bigger person' and forgive endlessly because that's why people will want to be around you in the face of your many massive faults. Sure, there were lots of trips and lots of laughs... and as long as you were laughing, nobody was fighting or crying and it was okay.

This was normal subliminal shit, and explained how Sam or Mocha or Alex or VJ or the myriad others traipsing through my heart and my mind found their way there to begin with and why I ran far from Kappa or Andy or a few others. The former were intense, messy, emotionally manipulative and withholding relationships and they felt like home to me, the others, not so much. The fact that home was a traumatic battlefield never occurred to me.

(If this resonates, please read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents")

And now I feel homeless. With the hold of my past falling loose from me everyday, and my present day seeming adrift and my current relationships getting reevaluated through the lens of hindsight, I find myself spending almost all my time clinging to the only real steady things I have. My actual apartment, my cat, and stories that bubble into my head that I write down now knowing fully well that no one else apart from me will probably read them. It feels like I'm marking time, while dissociating from the terror of limbo as I go through my days of breakfast and coffee and housekeeping and gym and reading / watching / writing fiction while I wonder what the actual fuck I did or want to do with my life.

Separation Anxiety

 I remember the first time I consciously created a separation in my mind when it came to people. 

I was around 4, my brother was 7 or so, and my parents had had some kind of blow up about something related to him. I'm not sure if the words were ever said out loud, but it became clear from the argument that my brother was the 'problem' child and I was the 'considerate' one. I remember my brother and I were in our shared bedroom at that time overhearing this. That was the moment when I decided that I didn't care what my parents thought about my brother, or why, because those reasons didn't apply to me. I became the 2 foot wall between my parents and him, I became the supplier of my pocket money, I became the holder of secrets that would otherwise have got him a much-deserved thrashing. Because as far as I was concerned, he was and continued to be my favorite person, no matter what the others said.

This one action, very early on, taught me to separate my judgement of an individual's actions and their resultant impact on others, from what I considered "who" a person was. You did a bad thing, but that didn't necessarily make you a bad person and on the flip side, if you did a good thing, it didn't mean you didn't have nefarious motivations.

This single point ability has been my compass as I navigate my personal relationships. As compasses go, it's not ideal but it does explain how I'm friends with people who can't stand each other, how I can attempt friendships with exes, how my cousins and I remain on decent talking terms despite our parents being estranged from each other, how I have independent, functional relationships with my very dysfunctional family etc. 

It's also why I have a very compartmentalized way of having conversations about my relationships with people I'm in relationships with - platonic, romantic or professional. 

 One broad separation is : Since there's no point talking to people about others they don't know, that immediately eliminates large sections of overlap. For example : my mother's family doesn't know much about my father's family, and my paternal step family barely knows anyone in my original nuclear family and my ex-maternal step family knows only 3 members of my maternal from-birth family. Similarly, my School friends don't know my Undergrad friends who don't know my Masters friends who don't know my Work friends who don't know my multiple Families.

Add to this the interpersonal dynamics. Subset Family I can't stand all the members within it. Subset Work Friends can't talk openly about other members in the same group without impacting possible future earnings. Subset Exes who Work Together - Well, that's a whole different dynamic and yep, I can't talk about one to the other. I'm not even sure they know that they belong to the same subset to be honest.

Tangentially, I now have a Subset of Dating App Hook Ups, a small number of free-floating, often fun, professionals who sometimes happen to wander into professional meetings I'm having with Subset Colleagues. Not just that, once it's over, they also send a message like "Hey, the meeting went well, and here's hoping we can work together" right below a series of sizzling sexts that have been exchanged a few weeks prior with no follow up from either end.

While this isn't what I specifically want to talk about, I do wonder if a 'double thumbs up' emoji is an adequate response to communicate "I accept your bid to pretend we don't know each other and also yes, I too hope working together will be more fun than other shared activities" ? 👍👍

But coming back to why I started this piece : Today I find myself at a full-circle point where I've been cut off by my brother. This sounds way more dramatic than it actually is because (a) this isn't the first time he's cut me off and (b) not talking to each other for years is a family coping mechanism. But it is the first time I'm seriously considering not letting him back into my world - and I'm shocked at how clinically I'm weighing the pros and cons of this.

To offer context - the reason why it's been so easy for me to develop this compartmentalized personal relationship style is because most people I have personal relationships with have often not been in the same city or even the same country as I am. And for the most part, this was an expectation that was set up in me from the very beginning thanks to an Army life upbringing. 

My nuclear family unit would move every 2 years, make new friends to leave them behind every 2 years and repeat the cycle. Along with that, we had the routine of traveling every summer vacation to another city to be spent with different extended family members. The expectation of having all the people you care for in the same place or even within driving distance is so alien to me that whenever I find myself within families for whom this is normal, I think it's a real life movie playing out in front of me. 

Anyway, we knew we would see others when we would see them and, in the time of expensive long distance phone calls, the only input I would get of these people (mostly family, hardly ever the left behind friends) would be from my mom who would read out relevant bits from intermittent letters addressed to her. Underneath all that was an ever present philosophy : "It is what it is".

And when my nuclear family imploded too, consequently sending us all to different cities and countries... well, we treated each other how we had learned to treat all those other connections : intermittent desultory updates while apart, keeping all our excited energies for when we would meet. And this is where we badly miscalculated. 

All that excited energy turned to rage when we realised that it just wasn't the same. It wasn't us four against the world anymore, it was mom against dad, dad against brother, dad against me, mom against brother, aunt against dad, uncle against brother, all of us against the baby-sitter (another story but you get the drift), everyone fighting about money and distance and separation and betrayal and disrespect... and none of us being able to hear what the other was saying : 

That we no longer felt safe in this world. 

That in a world where we had so blithely left behind connections in the wake of our family, we didn't like being among those left behind by our own. What was worse is that while we had very quickly learned to let go of external bonds with the farewell wave of "it is what it is", we never quite learned how to hold on to the bonds when they were ours, through the bad bits or even pull each other back. We never quite learned "I'm sorry, please let's fix it."

I think this was especially true of what went on between my brother and I. Everytime he would inexplicably cut off contact with me, I would just helplessly watch as that tenuous bond of communication would slip out of my hands. And since we never learned to talk to each other about all the terrible things that happened in our multiple compartments, or how they affected us, we just started afresh every time with something that sounded like "Hey, what's up?" which was almost always met with some version of "Hey, you wouldn't believe what my dog did today!" And years of silence and resentment was pushed under the Carpet of Relief that somehow, miraculously, that broken bond had come back within grasp.

Except this time, it feels different. Maybe it's because I'm in my mid-40s (and women in their 40s are a whole different kind of beast) or that a quick glance through this 18 year old online therapeutic diary has revealed that I've barely ever mentioned my brother except in the context of an awful argument between us almost 16 years ago ago. I went through posts to find some affectionate allusion to him but nope... and this isn't because he's not an affectionate man, it's because in the last 18 years, I've mostly had about 12+ years of silence from him broken up with periods of great laughs. But what was even more revealing was that some of my closest friends I'd made over the last 2 decades didn't know his name. The final nail in the coffin? When I told a few of them that my brother wasn't talking to me again, ALL of them said "Wasn't he already not talking to you? For years?"

There's a term for this kind of silent treatment, rooted in family relationships. It's known as "withholding affection" and is an emotional-abuse term. What was truly revelatory however was that it was one of my favorite people in the world who had subjected me to this while gaslighting me for other things. 

And I find myself falling back on my tried and tested method of understanding people - family or friends. You can be a good person who did awful things, or you can be an awful person who did good things. But at the end of the day, I think what truly underscores my relationships is an examination of how they treated ME, specifically, for how long, and why. And while some exes and friends get some kind of a hall pass, because god only knows what kind of trauma they went through, and the gravity of their mistakes, my brother doesn't really qualify for that kind of forgiveness. 

Because we both went through what we did, in the same home with the same parents, and we only had each other to count on for understanding. Atleast that's what I always thought. To discover that that same kid (now pushing 50, married with a 5 year old of his own) who got my unearned loyalty, decides that I'm once again not worth his attention is... heartbreaking.

Maybe I'm not being very clinical about this at all. Maybe I'm just done being treated like shit.  

One Night Catch and Release

 Recently I was watching a Netflix special where the whole crux of the one-hour stand up routine was to examine the concept of 'tension' in comedy. How you set up the joke, build it, play with the audience's emotions until the tension in the room can be plucked like a guitar string, creating its own unique note.. and then you drop the punch line. The act of dropping that punchline releases the tension which is seen in the laugh. Greater the tension, bigger the release, louder the laugh.

Like an orgasm at the end of a successful one night stand.

A successful one night stand like most stand up situations starts way before we reach the main punchline. The opening I'm-cute-AND-funny banter, the I'm-offended-haha-just-kidding overtures, the casual-but-intentional contact with skin, then the body-slam of some lacerating personal trauma that shines a wholly different layered light on all the revelations of the night, to finally end up with the last laugh. And boom, suddenly you're naked with the comic and the punchline is the release of all that sexual tension - and it's fun!

Now, what would happen if, when it's all said and done, the audience is leaving the theatre, discussing where to grab a bite and checking if they have all their belongings, and the comic comes back on stage and says "So... to continue what I was saying..."?

That's what the three-day-later phone call from a successful one-night stand feels like to me. To mix metaphors, Elvis has left the building and my partner has just asked for the menu to see what to order next. 

I've heard it said that a successful one night stand can be converted into a viable relationship but it feels like a lie. Can you imagine the same level of attention and intensity of a stand up routine that continues across an extended period of time? Not an hour every day, or even 4 hours at a stretch, but days or months or years and decades? That's what a viable relationship is but if one had to live it at the same level of intensity, it would destroy me, make me forget laughter, and most likely lead me to murder.

Or one deliberately dials back to pace oneself, thus changing the very nature of the sexy, unplanned, non-viability-testing beast that got you going in the first place. 

So what does one seek or expect on the second night after the first night already covered the first few steps from getting to know you banter to skin contact - and done it well? What fills that second hour of distance run if one has to avoid the inevitable disappointment of trying to recreate the magic of the first night?

All these thoughts go through my head as I see the comic's caller ID pop up again on my phone which sits next to where I'm typing my confusion. I suppose it's only polite to answer, while wondering fruitlessly why I'm responding to the promise of another sexy encounter with politeness and tremulous anxiety about longer-than-another-day viability.  

Bleagh.

More than Words, FFS!

I've pretended for a very long time that this was one of my favorite songs. Why? Because this happened to be the song an ex played for me on his guitar when he was still trying to get me to come undone for him. I'd always thought it was a bit of a wanker song because the singer was just wishing-and-hoping-and-thinking-and-praying that someone would read his mind and do the things he wanted. What happened to communication, right? 

Today, when it played on my alexa, I realised Mr Extreme was me and every other person left hanging after a "Let's catch up" text that had no further follow up. And the reason this song is so popular is because there is absolutely no shortage of No Plan Dans in this world.

A No Plan Dan needs no explanation. He opens a conversation with "When are we catching up?" and continues the conversation without even suggesting a date-venue-time or even an activity, leaving the onus of the "plan" on you entirely even though he initiated it. Then he gaslights you with "But I keep asking you out!"

Lately I find myself infuriated with a couple of No Plan Dans in my life. And the reason it's infuriating is that.. well, they're also my friends and I wish they weren't so weak and wishy-washy. If they actually asked me out, I'd say yes or no, and it would be the end of that particular conversation line. Instead, I have an insidious little worm in my brain that wakes up every time I'm hit by the "hey" message.

"Saying I love you is not the words I want to hear from you..." 

No shit, sherlock. There are only so many times you can say the words without action. Don't tell me how great I am, or how much you care for me and then do the "how about we catch up" and then... nothing. How about we don't catch up? Ever. Would that significantly change your life or mine? Probably not. So then just stop.

Because words are easy. In the world of text messages and memes, saying things has become the easiest zero-accountability activity in all of time. Anyone can say anything - complete lies have gotten people elected to powerful offices! - and have zero meaning. 

The downside to all this is - doing something often enough creates a habit. So if I'm getting used to not believing you, or going out with you, because you're 'Dan'ning it up regularly, then that's a neural pathway that is being worn down deep in my brain. Next time you ask me "how about a movie?" (even if now it's a specific movie), my reaction would be an immediate walk down that specific pathway to the "no". Unless the plan becomes a group plan in which case, your specific presence is never important. And the neural pathway gets deeper.

However, on the flip side of No Plan Dan is the Haranguing Harry.

As the name suggests, HH is the one who thinks the polite refusal is a "maybe". He doesn't think about why there's a refusal to begin with, only that the 'maybe' can be changed to a 'Yes' if he's persistent enough. Ofcourse, he thinks that the reason it was a no to begin with is because the no-sayer doesn't really mean it, doesn't know her own mind, can't visualise just 'how much fun!' it would be to hang out with HH. He doesn't notice that if only he put a fraction of the effort he puts into haranguing the no to yes, to actually making a yes-worthy plan to begin with, he'd hardly ever get a no.

"... how easy, it would be to show me how you feel..."

The fact that after HH has worn down the polite woman's will, so that she says yes just to shut him up, by the time she starts that event with him, she's already wishing it's over. She resents him, and with every passing moment of 'so much fun!', she's thinking of how to never ever go out with him again, how she will always say she's out of town or busy with someone else whenever she sees his name in her chat list, while mentally preparing herself to be downright rude if needed, because politeness landed her in this shitshow to begin with.

And that's where No Plan Dan and Haranguing Harry meet and exchange notes. No Plan Dan is frustrated that the woman won't go out with him,  that he's such a nice guy and still she's always meeting other men and HH will talk about how all women be bitches, how she tried to pay for her half as if he wasn't man enough, then didn't even sleep with him for picking up her tab! The audacity!

"Now that I've tried to talk to you and make you understand..."

... it won't make a difference. The gang of NPDs and HHs will go forth and share the hurtful wife / girlfriend jokes and the ball-and-chain and the doesn't-know-her-own-mind and meant-to-be-in-the-kitchen podcasts and interviews and memes and the multiple other ways of blaming the women for the absence of women in their lives, instead of changing their approach, and this will lead to the creation of more NPD and HH archetypes until sooner or later one or many of those will decide to 'teach women their rightful place' through violence and... We have the present day world.

Recently I read somewhere that heterosexual women are the only people who have to date their natural predator. Is it any wonder then that more and more heterosexual women are choosing singlehood and celibacy - and leading reportedly happier lives - than those shackled to the Not-the-One?

At the end of the day, it needs "...More than words to show you feel that your love for me is real..."

And somehow, despite being such a popular song, almost everyone missed the memo.

Being Tamed by a Fox

I did something bad 8 years ago… give or take. I ghosted an absolutely wonderful guy named Andy. He was gorgeous, sweet and made me feel…safe? Seen? And obviously, not believing that that was at all possible, instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, I scrambled out of there, knowing I would regret it. But he didn’t call me back… and I took that to be proof that I was right, that I had avoided the inevitable heartbreak. Yaay me.

I’ve never forgotten that moment that made me terrified. You know that song “What did the fox say?” It’s an insane, ridiculous bop that appealed very deeply to my chaotic soul. Andy played it for me one day. I walked into his home, a bit out of sorts anyway, and he said “I have to show you something.” And he took me to his bedroom and played this song. I watched it in total confusion-changing-to-amazement as he stared at my face.

Now, to be clear, songs have been played to me before. I have been serenaded from rooftops, I have been mix-taped to within an inch of my life, I have been tik-tocked to kingdom come. But most of those songs have been love songs. They have been the “more than words”, the “blowers daughter”, the “why couldn’t we be friends”, etc. But that evening, as Andy watched me watch the song, I felt that I had inadvertently left a window open to my brain that let him see the lateral convoluted internal combustion vat of day-dreaming fumes that ran on freaky laughs – and he gave me fuel to run it.

I can’t even explain the fear. I call it the “Blood and Cinnamon Everywhere” syndrome. Without going into specifics, it references a macabre story of a man who died – and it was hilarious. More fuel for the chaotic brain and when another boy had shared that with me, I had taken it to mean that he really got me. That it wasn’t just a fluke, that he really saw me. And once you see me, how can you leave, right? But he did and many years later, I didn’t want the cute fox with language problems to say goodbye. So instead, I walked out. I regretted it almost immediately but I just couldn’t find the courage to go back and explain my vulnerabilities.

Many years later, Andy and I reconnected on social media. It was a birthday message and then a what’s up message and then congratulatory message and then a covid message and then other messages. They were kind, and playful and finally I gathered my courage and apologised for my shitty behavior so many years ago. It was text, I didn’t look at his face and he didn’t see my remorse. But he accepted it with “Don’t worry, we have all been weird with people before. It’s okay, I only remember the good times.” That sounds like a goodbye, right? Like closure? It sounds like “Thank you but you’re not welcome back”, right? That’s what I thought. And it sucks! SUCKS SO MUCH because I want another do-over.

Anyway, about 6 weeks ago, after months of denial and procrastination, I asked him out. It was albeit after two whiskey shots in the privacy of my home while talking to my girlfriend who offered more courage by saying “If it goes to shit, you never have to see him again.” And in the 10 seconds it took him to text back, I had already gone through my spiral of dark despair leading to belligerent threats of killing that friend who forced me to text under the influence. But when he replied, those threats turned to songs of loyalty and forever friendship, especially because he said he’d love to get a drink once back in town in a few weeks. It was on text. Didn’t see his face. He didn't see mine.

It's now been more than a few weeks. And he's been in town for a while. He hasn’t called. And I’ve devolved into a teenager who’s putting every text we have ever shared through the increasingly unscientific but obscure litmus scrutiny of analysis by friends to come to the conclusion of “Did he forget or is he just politely letting me down or is he just not that into me anymore or was it always a nothing or...” Yep, it’s not pretty and no amount of reminding me that I’m a grown up is going to change my winning strategy of overthinking and playing out increasingly depressing but non-existent scenarios. Or writing a blog post. Or basically anything except reaching out again with a more serious and vulnerable and heart-on-my-sleeve invitation.

Why? Because I can’t imagine any winning combination of words that someone who left me could possibly say to me that would make me seriously consider letting them back in my life so many years later. And if I won't allow that disruption, how can I expect someone else to allow it either? I think about Andy’s life, about the people populating his world (as seen while clumsily browsing his social media) and the affection he gets from everyone and I find myself wondering “Would I be able to offer that consistently? Does he deserve an ex saying the "right" things to be welcomed back into his life only to discover that it wasn’t him she wanted but just SOMEone to scratch an itch?” After all, if you're trying to reenter a life you'd abandoned quite awfully, isn't the only meaningful reassurance you can genuinely offer is that you won't repeat your behavior and instead try to make up for the damage?

Eight years ago, we dated for just a few weeks. And while it was enough to make me trigger-jump ship, it really wasn’t enough to get to know him, even with all the momentum and excitement. But it was today, when  I found myself checking out an astrology website for romantic compatibility that it hit me - what I want is reliable data! Because despite years, weeks and months of therapy and solitude later, I have to say I’m no closer to really knowing if what I want resides within a relationship with him (or anyone specific), or if he's just an attractive mental distraction from my large piles of work, and just how many of my walls - his and mine - I’m going to have to bring down to get the information needed to make that decision. 

Like another cute fox (synchronicity!) says in The Little Prince, "One only understands the things one tames. If you tame me then to me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world. I shall know the sound of your step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow...and we shall need each other... You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed...."

Basically, it's only after going out with Andy and feeling the feelings and encouraging his attachment will I discover if I want to go out with him, feel the feelings and take responsibility for the attachment. 

The possible carnage of dating seems completely antithetical for mental peace and emotional health, no?

 

Pay Attention, The People Are Speaking

I consider Kerry a dear friend of mine. He’s a serious man, but ironically, we hardly ever have serious conversations. Most of the time, we’re batting the breeze, talking about superheroes and what our choice mutation would be in the world of X-men. So it was a surprise to me when he called out of the blue to discuss ‘the state of the world’. It was a serious conversation, mostly about how we need to ‘woo” the fence-sitters towards “us” in this on-going battle for our Constitution, and possibly our humanity, in the spirit that it was intended.

He was speaking about his friends who ‘were genuinely unsure about what to think’ about the current socio-political situation in the country. It was sweet how he had unconsciously taken on the burden of educating them, to literally bring them to the light as it were. As if he had access to some special rice in his diet that made him a more informed and empathetic human being. However, the unfortunate truth is, if someone voted for a party - left or right wing - then they’re not fence-sitters. They made a decision and undertook the effort of waking up in the morning, standing in line and punching their name next to a party logo - all to back their decision. Now, either they continue to be satisfied with their decision and there is nothing to discuss. Or they regret it, in which case, their minds have already changed. And the ones who didn't vote? Apathetic, uninvested, and probably further along the evolutionary arc than we know. But more on that in a bit.

The uncomfortable truth is that all those people - our friends - asking for reasons to change their mind - while countering with arguments the ‘other side’ have made - are simply looking for a way to maintain appearances of being open-minded, involved and caring people. Or maybe this is their way of forgiving themselves for changing their minds - or not being able to, despite 'trying'. That way, the burden of their decisions don't lie with them but on you, the 'more evolved' human being, the more caring, the more empathetic. If even *you* couldn't change their minds, then it's totally on you, isn't it?

But the truth is, you can’t logic people into caring about others, to be bothered by others' pain. Everyone who has ever ended a romantic relationship will recognise the futility of those “Why don't you understand? We’re in such a good place... just be with me” conversations. All the facts and figures of the world will not teach love or empathy, nor will it teach kindness. This disturbing trend is visible the whole world over, where we’re seeing a global democratic shift towards exclusionist, hard-line ideologies… Could it really be possible that the whole world became sociopathic at the same time?

Or is the change much larger and more fundamental than any we've imagined?

The human population is at an unprecedented high when it comes to sheer numbers. Every day is a little more uncomfortable, with extreme weather, or rising prices, or the steady stream of invective that is the online life. We have the imagination as a species to understand the past and extrapolate into the future, so we also know that as a species, we’re a dangerous one, and due for an extinction event. Given this scenario, could it possibly be an evolutionary advantage that we learn not to care about each other? Caring about each other will only ensure we don’t run our fastest when that tsunami comes, caring about another may ensure that we don’t sacrifice them in our bid to head to the nearest space station. Caring about another could very well mean our own death. 

In the battle for survival, could sociopathy be the mutation that our species is undergoing in order to survive? 

"You're So Great, But..."

People ask me sometimes why I think so much about relationships and examine my past and analyse what people could really mean when they say things. The truth is, when the same questions get asked of you over and over again, you have no choice to keep thinking about it until you find an answer that rings true.

For example, just recently two people I regard with some fondness asked me the age old question - “Why are you single?” This was inevitably followed by - "I mean you're so... (insert a list of my apparent best qualities - smart, attractive, fun, cool, etc). Sure, you're also... (insert a hopefully shorter list of my obvious ‘problem' areas - commitment phobic, too many exes who are still friends, not 'wife-material’ in the pleasing-mom-in-law and cooking well ways, etc). But still... Why are you single?"

The standard defensive, conversation-stopper responses popped into my head but the truth is, as I mentally scanned through my romantic history, I realised I had never yet come up with a response to that question that made sense.

After all, why was I single? It wasn’t for lack of opportunity nor an adventurous spirit. It wasn’t even for a very hard-to-achieve preconceived notion of romance. After all, as long as there was laughter and chemistry and mutual respect and communication, it was as good a place to start a relationship as any. So then why was it that with this winning combination of traits and quirks, I was single?

Because none of my relationships worked out.

This reminded me of something someone famous once said (and I’m probably paraphrasing) which was - If there is a problem with every relationship you’ve ever had, then you have to consider that the real problem lies in the one common element i.e. you. Or, in this case, ME. And looking back at my romantic history (yawn!), I have to agree.

See, the problem has always been me - or rather, my feelings of insecurity in its fairly literal sense. I have, quite simply, never felt safe with anyone. This goes back to some deep-rooted stuff. Like for example, my father whom I adored left me when i was not even in my teens and for the longest time, I thought that it was because he didn’t like me. Sure, over time and distance and increasing maturity, I know that couldn't possibly have been true. But deep down, I have to admit that that’s my psychopathy - the fact that I believe that people I love will reject me once they get to know me fully because then they will discover something about me they won't like. I mean, if my father discovered something about me that made him leave his wife and two kids and even his country after 12 years of being around me - then I can hardly blame anyone else, right?

This insane belief was reinforced subtly by everyone I ever was with. There was always that one thing about me that someone didn't like. 

My college boyfriend thought everything about me would be perfect if only I wasn’t so angry and aggressive. The one after that thought that I was great except for the fact that I couldn’t love (him). My next boyfriend felt I was wonderful but if only I was more ambitious and the list went on. If one wanted me to be more grounded, another wanted me to be more feminine or more tactful or less commitment phobic or not-so-needy or friendly or fucked up in some other way. And this was when I was pretty much on my best behaviour!

The thing is - when someone says the same thing about you over and over again, you start to think that this stuff matters. When it's someone you love and trust saying the same thing, you start to think there's something seriously wrong with you. And then you start to think - "sooner or later he's also going to know that something is seriously wrong with me - and then he'll leave. Because that's how it is."

And thus, I never felt safe with them. It always felt like there was a Damocles sword hanging over the relationship because sooner or later they would discover the quality that they didn’t like or that I couldn’t change fast enough and they would leave. And they did. I wasn’t blameless in that equation because I helped speed us the process. After all, I'd rather know what the breaking point was sooner rather than later. So if someone worried that I was sexual - bring on the Nymphomaniac! Someone felt I was unemotional - Voila! I bring you the Sociopath! Someone thought I was not ambitious enough - I present to you - the Couch Potato! 

I'm not proud of it, but somehow being single always felt better than being with someone who was working out his insecurities by stirring up mine.

The thing is - being with another person is hard work. It requires you to be mature and accepting, sensitive to another person's needs and all those things. Entire scientific studies have indicated that people in relationships are stronger and more stable, and thus more prosperous and more adventurous than single people - probably because of all that character-building hard work. I buy that entirely. After all, we're always better together, like the song promises.

But at this point, not knowing what the future will bring, or even knowing if my epiphanies have the power to change my neural pathways, I think the real reason I’m single is because the only time I feel safest is when I'm home, with my cat, in ugly pjs, eating messily in bed and not caring for a second that someone I love is somewhere saying a sentence that goes like - “She's great you know… except for one thing…"

The Shape Of Our Lives

I’ve been thinking of what the last 4 minutes of La La Land were really about. I mean, logically, if Ryan Gosling had kissed Emma Stone the minute she stepped into that club where he was playing the piano, that would be sexual assault. But somehow, despite our knowledge of that, our having witnessed the lives they lived otherwise made that sexual assault and everything that followed so much more preferable. I think it’s because deep down, we know we’re fuck ups who continually cock up our lives because we don’t have the fucking balls to fully embrace the possibility of the other. And we know that sometimes, we really need criminal assault to get us out of the ruts our lives our in.

Like the other day, I bumped into Mark. After years of not having spared him a thought,' I met him just out of the blue. It happened as I was driving towards work and I saw him waiting for a cab. Instinctively, I stopped and offered him a ride. He said something nonsensical, I berated myself mentally for having presumed too much, and finally after 4 long interminable seconds (yes, seconds) of an interaction, I drove on, feeling stupid. And cowardly.

And then just a couple of days ago, I met him again at my job. He’d come to meet my boss and I was just leaving her room. I wasn’t unaware that we may see each other, so I'd had time to mentally prepare myself for a better interaction. I knew exactly how the conversation would go. He would be shocked to see me there, and his entire body language would change setting to ‘Implode’. He would frown as he examined the floor or the walls trying to settle his facial expression to neutral asshole - rumour has it that it's his go-to expression when dealing with others. I can’t really complain since I believe I had a hand in making him who he is today. 

In any case, I would stop in front of him, smile and say 'Hey!’ Given the norms of polite behaviour, he would say Hi and I would explain to him that his meeting has been delayed by 15 minutes and would he like to wait with me outside. Looking at the sea of strangers around him, and the confidence that I naturally exude on my home turf, he would say Ok. We’ll step out and as we wait awkwardly over coffee for a few minutes, neither knowing what to say, I would blurt out my congratulations for his film that is doing well, and then explain how I still had to go watch it. He would smile and nod and look impatiently at his watch, wondering how quickly he could politely excuse himself and get away from me. I would take that opportunity to say that I felt really silly about leaving him on the road side the other day and how I should have insisted but was afraid I was being presumptuous. He would smile awkwardly, disarmed by my candour, and say that he understood - and will acknowledge that even he'd felt weird. 

 We would smile briefly and then he would be called in for his meeting. We would look at each other - a hug too intimate, a handshake too silly - and then we’d wave to each other as he went in to work while I took a breath. On his way out, he’d ask my colleague if I was still around and she would say yes and call me and I would come downstairs and he’d tell me that he needed my number because he had to send some literature across to me to read, as my boss had said. 

A few days later, he’d call me and instead of talking about the expected literature, he would ask me if I’d want to have coffee again. I’d say yes. And we would meet and it would be just a little bit less awkward, and maybe we would laugh once. Like we used to. We would both know that we couldn’t possibly go back to who we used to be, but maybe we could reintroduce ourselves, see if our grown up versions, the people we both had a hand in shaping, if we would stand up to the test of being scrutinised and appraised. And if, for just a few moments every day, we would dare allow the other to affect us again. 

These coffee meetings would lead to early dinners to hanging out with significant others to house parties and dancing and there will be laughter. Incrementally, but surely, there would be a dropping of our guard. And maybe, just maybe, one day we would tell our story to a third party friend who will sit across from us and wonder what it takes to build a real friendship in today’s world of social media alienation and we would say, looking at each other, that you have to let the important ones shape you, and then forgive them if they fucked up the design, but still allow them to shape you, and then learn to love the shape of you that the other made. And vice-versa. 

I knew all this in those 3 seconds as I walked towards him when he entered my work place. And I smiled and said Hey! And his brain imploded when he saw me, and I said that he would have to wait for a few minutes before my boss would be ready to see him. And he said, “What? What does that mean?” And I said, “You’ll need to wait…” And he said, “I don’t understand…” and suddenly something struck me. I said, “You’ll need to wait for a few minutes - not necessarily with me…” And his body language setting changed from Implode to Relaxed Neutral Asshole and he nodded and said Ok. And then my colleague said, “Let me show you to the conference room” and he said OK. And I nodded, and we walked away from each other towards two separate destinations. 

Maybe at that time some assault is exactly what was needed. Not the kissing kind - *shudder* - but more the assertive Bitch Taking Control kind where I would have stopped him from walking away and said, “No he’ll be waiting with me outside where we shall be having a long-fucking-overdue conversation, Even if it kills us.”

Maybe it’ll still happen. At this point however, I feel really bad for that third-party friend who will never hear this awesome story of friendship and redemption and how something amazing can still be salvaged out of our meandering repetitive lives and then there will be nothing to stop him from making the same stupid mistakes that we already lived every excruciating fucking detail of.

It’s really him I feel bad for. Otherwise, I’m fine.