This has been a HELL of a year and I see no end to it, regardless of the fast-approaching December.
It started with the death of my step brother. Then my genetic brother cut off ties with me. Then someone hijacked my work, and other work opportunities inexplicably dried up. Then a lot of what I had worked on over the last couple of years went up in smoke. In my industry, where your next job depends on what you did last, this is much worse than it sounds. Not to mention the amount of gaslighting and ghosting from colleagues and friends which hit me straight in my abandonment issue feels. Then, while visiting my extended family, my father treats me like crap - and for the first time in many years, I realise that perhaps I'd been wrong to think that my family had a chance. Maybe I should have focused on building my own separate dysfunctional family unit and not so much been the glue for the one I was born to. Then another friend died, making me face my mortality - again. And finally someone who barely knows me called me "sweet"! SWEET?? When did I lose my scary acerbic edge and get ground into this polite pulpy mess that everyone feels completely okay walking all over?? I feel like I've lost my grip on who I am, and it's making me question everything about my choices, my supposed talent and my vision (or lack thereof) for my future. It's November and I'm shaken. It's been a messy year.
And so, I'm back in therapy. I say "back" loosely, because the last few times I've indulged, I used it mostly to tackle the visible issues and not THE BIG ISSUE, you know.
For example : Sam dumped me - TWICE! - and Doc, I just want to know, is it a normal breakup when someone takes you on a holiday, makes love to you and the next day says he doesn't feel the love anymore? And then spends the next few months convincing you to get back and then breaks up with you on the day your lease is over and you're moving in with him? Is that normal or as truly horrific as it feels? Or Doc, I tried to kill myself with Vodka and pills and is it normal to feel totally cut off from people and absolutely not expect things to get better ever?
And every time I got an answer that made me feel better, and more aligned with what felt real, I moved on. Yes, Sam was a shit and that breakup was bananas. And no, you can't be blamed because you trusted someone who pretended to be trustworthy. Yes, you are depressed because your best friend died and also you haven't dealt with the how your entire self identity got tossed around thanks to Sam being an unworthy tool.
So, the minute I was told that I wasn't insane to be feeling how I was, I moved on and got on with life. I'm not crazy after all, regardless of how many times and how many boys who loved me have tried to tell me I am.
But this time, after my intensely painful solo trip with my father, I came back into therapy. Doc, is it wrong for me to want a family that behaves well with each other, talks lovingly with each other, so I don't have to carry the load of everyone's discontent? Doc, after so many years of regular interaction, is it wrong for me to expect my father or brother to like me, maybe even understand me? Or is there something truly wrong with me that people look at me and decide "Meh, it's okay to hurt that." Also, I'm in my mid 40s... shouldn't I be done with these childish things? Weeeeeelllll.....
And finally, my shrink and I started on THE BIG ISSUE. And cliche as it is, doesn't it always go back to 'mommy and daddy lied' foundations? Mostly, they lied about being the grown ups. They lied about being mature self-less adults, or knowing what was best for their kids, and even about raising emotionally secure kids. How could they? No one had done it for them either. As a result, the child figured that this is what a happy family looks like - when someone makes you feel like you have to work for their love or they will go away, when someone explains to you how you're not matching up to their expectations of good behavior and that results in them leaving you to fend for yourself, when someone makes it your responsibility to be the 'bigger person' and forgive endlessly because that's why people will want to be around you in the face of your many massive faults. Sure, there were lots of trips and lots of laughs... and as long as you were laughing, nobody was fighting or crying and it was okay.
This was normal subliminal shit, and explained how Sam or Mocha or Alex or VJ or the myriad others traipsing through my heart and my mind found their way there to begin with and why I ran far from Kappa or Andy or a few others. The former were intense, messy, emotionally manipulative and withholding relationships and they felt like home to me, the others, not so much. The fact that home was a traumatic battlefield never occurred to me.
(If this resonates, please read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents")
And now I feel homeless. With the hold of my past falling loose from me everyday, and my present day seeming adrift and my current relationships getting reevaluated through the lens of hindsight, I find myself spending almost all my time clinging to the only real steady things I have. My actual apartment, my cat, and stories that bubble into my head that I write down now knowing fully well that no one else apart from me will probably read them. It feels like I'm marking time, while dissociating from the terror of limbo as I go through my days of breakfast and coffee and housekeeping and gym and reading / watching / writing fiction while I wonder what the actual fuck I did or want to do with my life.
