Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Psychology of Boy gets Girl...

So many triggers, so many reactions. In the book i'm reading currently, the author-psychologist tries to outline the psychological triggers that makes people behave a certain way - most notably as consumers. But while reading it, I realised that those very triggers work just as well in the mating dance.

So let's say Boy meets Girl...

Scenario 1:
..in a bookshop. They start talking about their favorite authors and then the girl sees a book that she really likes, but does not want to buy (too expensive, too heavy, whatever). The Boy swoops in and buys the book for her... and gives it to her the next time they "accidentally bump into each other." She's touched and he invites her to join him for a coffee. Without having intended to spend more time with him, the Girl is actually now almost on a date. And thus starts their love story.

Sweet huh? I did think so. Except examine this: As a culture, we feel obligated to 'repay a kindness'. And it's not just India but around the world. Someone helps you carry your bags in the heights of summer, and you invite them into your home for some cold lemonade. Next day, you're a small headline, and a cautionary tale about how to not let strangers into your home. And yet, here you are, inviting a total stranger into your world.

Scenario 2:

... and they have coffee and a conversation.

Boy: (looking at the other patrons) Can you imagine that most of the people sitting here probably think we're girlfriend-boyfriend (haha) just because we're having coffee and laughing (haha)..?

Girl: That would be pretty narrow minded... after all, guys and girls can be just friends.

Boy: Exactly! I mean, just because we're leaning close (leaning close) or holding hands (grabbing hand playfully) doesn't mean we're going to 'do it' (haha)...

Girl: (Keeping hand there, after all, they're friends...) Exactly...

Boy: I'm just so tired of being defined by how the World sees me... I mean, i like someone as a friend, but the minute i am affectionate, everyone tries to label the "relationship"... you know, that's why guys are probably so cut off... I mean, i'd hate leading a friend on... But women and society have these narrow minded definitions... right?

Girl: I'm not narrow minded, but i know what you're saying... The only people who should have anything to say about the relationship are the two people in it, whatever be the rules.

And later.... Boy invites Girl home. Girl isn't sure if she should.. after all, it's late, and there has been this crazy tension building up..

Boy: Oh... Even you think that if you come up to my house, at night then it means just one thing...

Girl: No i don't..

Boy: So much for living by our own rules huh? Come on, we're friends right? You trust me, right?

Girl: Yes ofcourse...

Boy: Great! So come up, i'll make you coffee, and then drop you home. We can chat.. whatever...

Girl: Allright... But i'm not staying long.

And the spider and the fly walked up to the parlour... simply because the fly couldn't break out of her own need to prove her 'consistency' as a friend... We have been taught the value of being consistent because it implies a commitment to "who we are"- our self image. It's what gets us to shop only at Louis Vuitton, wear only high heels, never use public transport, etc. And once that commitment to ourselves has been made, we do anything to justify it in our minds... even if it is breaking the bank, or getting us into "friendships" we don't want.

Scenario 3:

... in a club. Girl is sitting at the bar, with her friends, scoping the place out for cute boys. Suddenly, an un-cute boy shows up next to her, and says, "You have a cute smile / beautiful eyes / any other line that you think may work." The girl raises her eyebrow, and then rolls her eyes at the friends with a "Oh Lord, another one" expression.

The girls titter among themselves. The guy shrugs, takes his beer and goes back to his table... which has a bunch of people (women and men) who clearly like him. He's laughing with them, enjoying his drinks, and a particular very attractive woman is doing everything in her social arsenal to get his attention. In the meanwhile, the Girl at the bar is already re-thinking her initial assessment. After all, if ALL these people like him, then it's pretty certain he's got something.

Sound familiar? This is the standard trigger of social proof of value. If so many others like something, it must be good. It even works in the art-circle, where it's not talent so much as the right people thinking you're talented that gives art it's value. Back at the bar, it's a different matter that the table full of people may just be colleagues, and he may be the easiest target of ridicule in that group and the Hot chikita is his colleague's wife who's doing him a favor of being his "wing-woman". But the end result - the Girl at the bar now wants him... not for any real value that he may have, but the imagined great qualities that merit such a ginormous proof of his desirablity - a table full of strangers.

Scenario 4:

... at any place, it doesn't matter. The only thing that's relevant is that they just met. Kinda. And there are sparks. But the Boy's about to leave town, the Girl's about to take a vow of chastity, the steady girlfriend is pressurizing the Boy to make a serious commitment... all of which will happen.. Unless.

That "unless" is a potent decision maker. It gives the sense that you may miss out on the best thing UNLESS you go on a date / sleep together / any other enticing option. Because this is a limited time offer. If you don't take it up now, it's gonna be gone. Forever. And you wouldn't ever have known just how great it could have been just because you couldn't commit to a teeny-weeny date/fling?

Most of us don't want to miss out. The greener grass is not a new concept... and we all want it. The promise of something better - more exciting, more passionate, more meaningful - is hard to pass up. How many times have we bought things we don't really want just because it said, "Hurry! Limited stock only!" only to suffer from buyer's remorse later?

There are a few other ways that involve our need to be liked and our desire to be led by a figure of authority...

My point is, this is the time and age of people being relegated to the position of marketable products languishing on the shelves of the relationship supermarket. But if these are the only games we can play, is there a place i need to go to opt out?


Girl said...

Searcher, do you know?

What is the purpose of getting married? How important is it that an Indian woman should get married if she han't found anyone who she likes yet?

Should she lower her bar and 'settle' for less? Does she not have a right to be happy because she is 32?

Should one marry just to procreate? But what about life? Isn't the purpose of life to be "happy". And if as they say, since 'married life' constitutes he majority of your adult life, then isn't it imperative that we only marry the one who we can envision being happy with? I understand that no one has seen the future and even picture perfect love-mariages break up, but should I not even allow myself that hope that the marriage I am entering into will give me happiness? Should I give up even trying to find happiness because I am getting older?

From what I hear marriage is not the end all and be all, once you get married, you have to constantly work at it to keep it alive. Is that true? If that is true, then aren't the chances of keeping a marriage alive even slimmer when one 'settles for what one gets', rather than happily marrying a mate of their choice?

Aging is inevitable, but if you get into a marriage hesitantly because you are "settling" as you are losing the battle with the biological clock, then isn't it a scarier thought to be 'older and an in a miserbale marriage' than being just 'older'? Worse stil, 'older and divorced'.

Pensive :(

your thoughts?

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you are toying with multiple opening options on your latest script. T.O.

Searcher said...

T.O.: So young, so cynical :) If i was trying out opening sequences to scripts, i wouldn't be equating them with marketing strategies now, would i? This post, like almost all others, is just another attempt to find the secret behind the workable boy-girl thing.

Searcher said...

Girl: Regardless of how much we think / talk / consider the options, the truth is, unless you're in it, it's all theoretical. Every marriage is unique, because it is about two unique individuals who decide to give it a unique shot. This obsession with picking the "right person" is depressing. Even your Knight in Shining Armor will piss you off many times over the next 50 years of living together. I think the focus should be less on "picking the right guy" and more on "sticking with the same guy".

A comment made by the author Anne Tyler makes a lot of sense to me. She said, "I knew couples who’d been married almost forever – forty, fifty, sixty years. Seventy-two, in one case. They’d be tending each other’s illnesses, filling in each other’s faulty memories, dealing with the money troubles or the daughter’s suicide, or the grandson’s drug addiction. And I was beginning to suspect that it made no difference whether they’d married the right person. Finally, you’re just with who you’re with. You’ve signed on with him/her, put in a half century with him/her, grown to know him/her as well as you know yourself or even better, and s/he’s become the right person, the ONLY person. I wish someone had told me that earlier. I’d have hung on then; I swear I would.”

I say, why not? What are we doing with our lives anyway that is of such great import that it precludes us from sharing it with someone else? Happiness for different people has meant different things - ranging from kids, to having wild monkey-sex in public - you need to define your own happiness. But ultimately, i think marriage is about being an adult with your adult needs of respect, trust, honesty and love being met.

Newbie Mommy said...

Beautiful post. Refreshing, candid and very thought provoking.