Yep. Barely two months into my romantic fugue of stability and honesty and all that crap, I'm dreaming of kissing someone else. And not telling that someone else that I'm seeing HIM. So basically, I have bounced from being this domesticated goddess to cheating on TWO people (yes, in my dream but if my brain is coming up with this shit, then it means something, right?).
So, I wake up. And I ask HIM, who's sleeping next to me, if we did go to an oceanside town (we had) on the bike (we had) where I made him walk with me in the warm rain (we hadn't). He grunted something and held me closer and I realised that my all-too-possible cheating scenario had just been a dream.
Whew! Only a dream. It didn't happen. I hadn't been a terrible cheating cow breaking two peoples' hearts and disappointing myself all over again. Yes!
But wait... It hadn't happened, but did I want it to? My brain seemed to think so. So.. what did it mean? Should I not be attempting this whole monogamous relationship thing? Am I not ready? Do I miss being single and thus free to kiss other people? Is that really what I want? And if so, should I set HIM free from all obligations and imagined commitments, while I figure out my own meandering path?
So while I lay there with HIM gently snoring into my neck, I sent out frantic SOS messages to my few people - asking them what it means. All of them are in the reluctantly-hitched category with marriages that have crossed seven years. They're also my exes and now best friends. Yes, it's all complicated, and very interesting and someday I'll write a book about it. But for now, they were my best bet for telling me "it doesn't count."
And that's the fun part. I wanted them to tell me that it didn't count, that it was okay, that I hadn't screwed up yet. Because I don't want this to end. Because if losing him scares me, if hurting him makes me feel like crap, then I'm already further ahead in the game than I thought.
And maybe that's worth fighting for despite all the strangers I'm not kissing these days.
PS: Also, online dream analysis tells me that if I'm dreaming of cheating on a significant other, it's because I'm bored. Not of the relationship, but of everything else in my life. And that is so true. Gah! Another post, another day. But I like that the Internet is rooting for me.
So, I wake up. And I ask HIM, who's sleeping next to me, if we did go to an oceanside town (we had) on the bike (we had) where I made him walk with me in the warm rain (we hadn't). He grunted something and held me closer and I realised that my all-too-possible cheating scenario had just been a dream.
Whew! Only a dream. It didn't happen. I hadn't been a terrible cheating cow breaking two peoples' hearts and disappointing myself all over again. Yes!
But wait... It hadn't happened, but did I want it to? My brain seemed to think so. So.. what did it mean? Should I not be attempting this whole monogamous relationship thing? Am I not ready? Do I miss being single and thus free to kiss other people? Is that really what I want? And if so, should I set HIM free from all obligations and imagined commitments, while I figure out my own meandering path?
So while I lay there with HIM gently snoring into my neck, I sent out frantic SOS messages to my few people - asking them what it means. All of them are in the reluctantly-hitched category with marriages that have crossed seven years. They're also my exes and now best friends. Yes, it's all complicated, and very interesting and someday I'll write a book about it. But for now, they were my best bet for telling me "it doesn't count."
And that's the fun part. I wanted them to tell me that it didn't count, that it was okay, that I hadn't screwed up yet. Because I don't want this to end. Because if losing him scares me, if hurting him makes me feel like crap, then I'm already further ahead in the game than I thought.
And maybe that's worth fighting for despite all the strangers I'm not kissing these days.
PS: Also, online dream analysis tells me that if I'm dreaming of cheating on a significant other, it's because I'm bored. Not of the relationship, but of everything else in my life. And that is so true. Gah! Another post, another day. But I like that the Internet is rooting for me.
1 comment:
A little hurried, a little distracted, a little not you... perhaps you are deeper in the game than you imagine!
:-)
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