.. or something to that effect was in my horoscope a few days ago. It warned me about this time of conflicting emotions, where the battlefield was my psyche. As usual, i pooh-poohed the literature, and went hunting for proof.
I wasn't disappointed.
A few days ago, Alex decided to ask me out (my last post), after thinking about it for a couple of months. One would have thought that during those few months, he would have considered the dreaded possibility of what would happen to the friendship if the 'relationship' went up shit-creek. The fact that he still popped the question led me to believe that he had been convinced that there was no major reason for that to happen. Despite my reservations, his nonchalant approach to 'us' gave me confidence.
Then two days ago, on an impulsive whim, i went across to Delhi for a few drinks with a couple of my dearest friends. And while i was having a vodka, i realised that they were aware of my blog, and that they had read a few of the posts there - the ones they thought was about them. And i realised that despite knowing what i had written (and hence, really felt about one of our meetings), they hadn't let on ever.
See? conflict of emotion. On the one hand i was thrilled to see them, on the other i was mortified that i was the cause of any embarrassment to them... to him. And then i was astounded that the relationship hadn't changed, despite the truth. They hate me, they hate me not....
Then i went and hung out with my closest friend Meg. She has been successfully undergoing chemotherapy and was looking healthy when i reached. But then we got the news that the tumor marker test had come back very high... higher than it had been originally. Which basically meant that the cancer had grown and probably spread.
Things were stressed out in the household.
But when i got back home today, i got the news that the scan had come back clean. Hurrah! My friend is truly cancer-free!
As if these emotional upheavals weren't enough..
...on my first day back, Alex told me that he doesn't want to see me anymore. He, one of my closest friends, who has known me for a couple of years, finally discovered that he didn't want me... that the 'friendship' was worth more.. that we could gracefully end this... before either of us got really involved.
Maybe the sex was terrible (yes, that happened too.. a little too soon, even by my standards, but it did happen). Maybe he realised that there was no one he could speak with about 'us' without it affecting the entire dynamic of the common friends group. Maybe he just was never into me.
Whatever the reason, he is right. After all, i'd been saying the same thing for the last 6 months... obviously in latin, because he now FINALLY understood. Ok, so he understood it after I, in some tiny part of my brain, did give 'us' a chance... But he is right. As i was.
All for nothing because, whether i like it or not, the friendship has still changed. There is now a layer of deceit which will always be a part of what I say... as i pretend that i don't care.
Fuck!
Lesson: If the paper says life's gonna suck, you better believe it. Oh, and never, never, ever, never mix romance and friendship.
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