OK, so it's official. I am NOT a social person. How do i know this? Because, as part of a social experiment (yeah, I should have seen it right then. After all, who considers social behavior an experiment?), I texted all those people whom i haven't stayed in touch with - well, ten people to be precise, even though the actual number of people go into the thousands - asking them the universal question that covers a range of sins: "Ssup?"
And their reactions were very telling. Mostly they revolved around, "Wow. Where have YOU been?? Finally decided to return to Earth?" And the truth is, i get this a lot. What's annoying is: Why am I considered to have been the one who dropped out of sight, when the other person hasn't stayed in touch either?
The other day, i was talking to an ex-colleague. About a year ago, we had been working fairly closely together on a project. It was clearly a professional relationship, despite an easy camaraderie. The project finished and we went our separate ways. A few days ago, he tells me, "You dropped out of sight. What happened?" Now the truth is that the project was over, and i'd pitched a few other concepts, which hadn't gone through. So that was that. He realised that. But the point is, the only thing he actually registered at the end of a very positive and fruitful working experience was that i went AWOL.
It's upsetting to know that you can go AWOL and no one will come looking for you.
So, i know that i'm not the gushing sort. I don't actively reach out to people. I only sit up and take notice of the lack of a constant people presence when i spend days cloistered in my room, writing. When i finally raise my head out of my literary or work haze, i call someone and go out for a drink. Or sometimes, people call me and i'm happy to fall in with their plans.
The worst part of this is, i constantly see extremely social people around me. They make it seem so easy having these comfortable relationships with a vast number of people. I don't know how they do it. But i wish i did. I really do want to be that person with atleast 4 people in her house regardless of day or time. Instead, ironically, usually people don't get in touch because they assume I'm probably busy doing something else or that i won't be interested in their plans. It's awful.
..................................
Written a day later:
I met a friend and we talked about a film he's trying to make - the typical "White American saves the world (set in India), gets the exotic girl, and leaves behind a legacy of the 'generous American spirit'" The catch was this: He wanted to do this in a way that does not offend anyone's sensibilities - particularly the people (Indians) that are 'saved' through this exercise. And i found myself telling him that he'll never be able to please everyone, while remaining true to his story.
And that is true of my life too. I'll never be that non-discerning or even that sympathetic of other peoples' frailties that will ensure that i always have people who like me liking them around me. I'll never be that effusive about my love for the people i do actually love, because i'm just better with the written word rather than the spoken one. And i'll never not want my space to be exclusively my space, for as long as i want it, even if all i'm doing with it is lying on my couch and staring at the fan.
So it's not awful. It's not perfect. It's not a sit-com life. But it is my life. And hopefully it won't end with me slowly dying alone, with my pet cats eating my face, just because no one noticed i was gone.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
To Belong...
... to a housefull of people who groan and cheer and dance berserkly with you
... with truckloads of people who go whooping past your house in trucks and cars waving flags and singing "India, India!" (clap, clap, clap - yes, everyone knows that chant)
... to a city where, even in a traffic jam created out of vehicles and people and drums and fireworks, not a single angry face can be seen
... to a people that stops strangers on the street and shares champagne and high-fives with them
... to the most money-driven city in the country that takes a day off on the day of the finals
... to a country that is emotionally involved with 11 intimate strangers, who take on the other nations, and stand up to them, for the rest of us.
Wouldn't change it for the world.
... with truckloads of people who go whooping past your house in trucks and cars waving flags and singing "India, India!" (clap, clap, clap - yes, everyone knows that chant)
... to a city where, even in a traffic jam created out of vehicles and people and drums and fireworks, not a single angry face can be seen
... to a people that stops strangers on the street and shares champagne and high-fives with them
... to the most money-driven city in the country that takes a day off on the day of the finals
... to a country that is emotionally involved with 11 intimate strangers, who take on the other nations, and stand up to them, for the rest of us.
Wouldn't change it for the world.
Friday, March 25, 2011
What Just Happened?
"You love me?"
"More than the air I breathe."
Beat.
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
Shite (also read as "Oh Lord, not again!").
"More than the air I breathe."
Beat.
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
Shite (also read as "Oh Lord, not again!").
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Through Blog-Colored Lenses
A few months ago I met someone whose only understanding of me was my blog... Over a period of 3 days, he read every post that I've written over the last 5-odd years, all the comments, and figured that he really knew me. Three meetings over three months later, things have gone south in a very serious manner. Since I'm still working my way through my new-found sense of optimism when it comes to potential friendships, I would like to get a few answers to the following questions:
Q: You (a non-blogger) have met a girl - Searcher - for the first time ever at a coffee shop and surprisingly, end up having a fun time together. Do you..
a) Call her the next day and say, 'Hey, you wanna watch a movie?"
b) Start a new blog and dedicate your only post on it to her, with the sole intention of having her read your 40-years-in-400-words attempt at 'honesty' in the hope that she will decide to have a relationship with you?
Q: She reads the post and instead of freaking out about the too-much-too-soon-information in the post, she responds with restraint and an understanding of the compliment being paid. However, she says, "Don't write for me. If we have to get to know each other, we will, but it'll take time." Did she mean...
a) Oooh yeah baby! Bring it on!!! You are the ONE.
b) UH.. ok.. that was .. interesting.. but.. uh.. please don't do this anymore.
Q: She writes a post about dating on her blog and, in a text (probably your third or fourth after meeting her at the coffee shop), you say, 'So, how'd that date go?" She responds, "You don't get to ask about my blog posts. Either you genuinely want to get to know me, and respond to what you get to know of me from our meetings, or you want to just be a voyeur in my life." She meant...
a) Please, always, when you see me, discuss my blog with me, because i live to clarify all your questions about my personal life
b) Let's find out if there's anything more here than admiration for and curiosity about what's on the page.
Q: Some time later, you do invite her to a movie that's playing across town. She agrees to meet you but she's late for the film and the two of you miss it, instead enjoying a fun lunch. A few days later, you watch the same film but not with her. Do you...
a) Talk about the film with her thus having an enjoyable discussion
b) Tell her that you didn't pay attention through the film because in your head this was supposed to be a her-and-you thing, like there was already a her-and-you twosomeness.
Q: Over the three months since you first met her, you have sent her sweet little thinking-of-you gifts - including a to-be-returned personal copy of a book that holds a lot of sentimental value. She hasn't sent you anything in return. Does this mean...
a) You've won over her trust and she now considers you a dear and close friend
b) she's wondering if two meetings (NOT dates) isn't too soon to start giving things of personal and sentimental value to a total stranger
Q: Seeing her under-whelming reciprocation to your gifts, you up the ante and invite her to a weekend away in a beautiful hill station to 'break free from the bonds of relationship labels...' and to get to know each other better. She says, "This feels like you're pushing a fast-forward button to something that barely exists. Let's first meet a bit more in the city where we both live before considering an out-of-town experience." Did she mean...
a) Wow! I so want to go away right now...!
b) Woah! Back off a bit, please. thanks.
Q: After a pleasant dinner (where you couldn't resist referring to her blog which you've been following pretty avidly despite being asked not to) and a movie (this was the third meeting in three months), you surprise her with a gift - a paid-for flight ticket to a beach haven. When she says, "back the fuck off!", it means...
a) ofcourse you are relevant enough in her life to presume to have a say on if and where she takes a holiday, all because (according to you and your incisive reading between the lines of all her blog posts) she seems to be unraveling.
b) She's finally losing her patience with a person who's now so out of the picture that she doesn't need to bother much with being polite anymore.
The most astounding part of the conversation was when he said, "The reason I'm here and why I suggested the break is because when I read your posts, I feel sad. It's like you're stuck, revisiting the same things over and over and there's no forward movement. And I guess as your reader, I'd like to see you go forward." This moment was when I thought of Bob Dylan and thought the words he had uttered a long time ago. He had said, as I wanted to at that time, "Just cuz you like my stuff, doesn't mean I owe you shit."
A long time ago, I'd written about what it was like meeting another blogger. Fortunately, that blogger is someone I consider a friend today - three years later. It took time, a healthy respect for each others' private space regardless of what we are privy to on the e-page, comments from our monikers on each others posts, as well as face-time house parties, get togethers at nightclubs, late night drunk phonecalls, and an understanding that what happens on a blog stays on a blog.
I don't know why that's so hard to understand.
Q: You (a non-blogger) have met a girl - Searcher - for the first time ever at a coffee shop and surprisingly, end up having a fun time together. Do you..
a) Call her the next day and say, 'Hey, you wanna watch a movie?"
b) Start a new blog and dedicate your only post on it to her, with the sole intention of having her read your 40-years-in-400-words attempt at 'honesty' in the hope that she will decide to have a relationship with you?
Q: She reads the post and instead of freaking out about the too-much-too-soon-information in the post, she responds with restraint and an understanding of the compliment being paid. However, she says, "Don't write for me. If we have to get to know each other, we will, but it'll take time." Did she mean...
a) Oooh yeah baby! Bring it on!!! You are the ONE.
b) UH.. ok.. that was .. interesting.. but.. uh.. please don't do this anymore.
Q: She writes a post about dating on her blog and, in a text (probably your third or fourth after meeting her at the coffee shop), you say, 'So, how'd that date go?" She responds, "You don't get to ask about my blog posts. Either you genuinely want to get to know me, and respond to what you get to know of me from our meetings, or you want to just be a voyeur in my life." She meant...
a) Please, always, when you see me, discuss my blog with me, because i live to clarify all your questions about my personal life
b) Let's find out if there's anything more here than admiration for and curiosity about what's on the page.
Q: Some time later, you do invite her to a movie that's playing across town. She agrees to meet you but she's late for the film and the two of you miss it, instead enjoying a fun lunch. A few days later, you watch the same film but not with her. Do you...
a) Talk about the film with her thus having an enjoyable discussion
b) Tell her that you didn't pay attention through the film because in your head this was supposed to be a her-and-you thing, like there was already a her-and-you twosomeness.
Q: Over the three months since you first met her, you have sent her sweet little thinking-of-you gifts - including a to-be-returned personal copy of a book that holds a lot of sentimental value. She hasn't sent you anything in return. Does this mean...
a) You've won over her trust and she now considers you a dear and close friend
b) she's wondering if two meetings (NOT dates) isn't too soon to start giving things of personal and sentimental value to a total stranger
Q: Seeing her under-whelming reciprocation to your gifts, you up the ante and invite her to a weekend away in a beautiful hill station to 'break free from the bonds of relationship labels...' and to get to know each other better. She says, "This feels like you're pushing a fast-forward button to something that barely exists. Let's first meet a bit more in the city where we both live before considering an out-of-town experience." Did she mean...
a) Wow! I so want to go away right now...!
b) Woah! Back off a bit, please. thanks.
Q: After a pleasant dinner (where you couldn't resist referring to her blog which you've been following pretty avidly despite being asked not to) and a movie (this was the third meeting in three months), you surprise her with a gift - a paid-for flight ticket to a beach haven. When she says, "back the fuck off!", it means...
a) ofcourse you are relevant enough in her life to presume to have a say on if and where she takes a holiday, all because (according to you and your incisive reading between the lines of all her blog posts) she seems to be unraveling.
b) She's finally losing her patience with a person who's now so out of the picture that she doesn't need to bother much with being polite anymore.
The most astounding part of the conversation was when he said, "The reason I'm here and why I suggested the break is because when I read your posts, I feel sad. It's like you're stuck, revisiting the same things over and over and there's no forward movement. And I guess as your reader, I'd like to see you go forward." This moment was when I thought of Bob Dylan and thought the words he had uttered a long time ago. He had said, as I wanted to at that time, "Just cuz you like my stuff, doesn't mean I owe you shit."
A long time ago, I'd written about what it was like meeting another blogger. Fortunately, that blogger is someone I consider a friend today - three years later. It took time, a healthy respect for each others' private space regardless of what we are privy to on the e-page, comments from our monikers on each others posts, as well as face-time house parties, get togethers at nightclubs, late night drunk phonecalls, and an understanding that what happens on a blog stays on a blog.
I don't know why that's so hard to understand.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
A Day in the Life of a Little Village
EARLY MORNING BLUES : Nancy's Husband speaks
Woke up this morning, with a single thought in my head
That time was running by, but it was hard to get out of bed
What happened to the man i was just yesterday?
And then i remembered, with the suddenness of death
My old woman Nancy, she'd run off with my neighbor Ted
My coffee isn't in the pot, my shirts ain't laundered
When i see that lying cunt, I'll get her ku-chumbered
But for now, i have to find my slippers and get on with the day
Maybe I'll find Ted's wife, and bang her all through May
There has to be a plan
In this godforsaken World
If there is a carnivorous plant,
There must be a vegan boar
Someday when the balances finally figure out their job
That'll be the day I'll happily rip out Ted's heart.
DAYTIME DREAMS : Ted Speaks
Ted's my name, but i'm thinking of changing it over
Cuz Nancy is nice, but she's really not worth the trouble
Of having her husband chase me around town
with a machete stained with old blood that's now turned brown
I'm no hero, and i'm clearly not too bright
Cuz when a girl is unhappy, i just tried to make it right
Sure i'm a catch, she'd be insane not to want me
With my Best Piss in the Snow award and my miniature backyard tee-pee
Now we're on the road, heading east of wherever
She's snoring in the backseat; dunno why i'm the designated driver
She'll wake up and want to grab a bite of something nice
Hey, whatdya know, i'll just lie back and enjoy the ride!
THE TWILIGHT ZONE : Nancy Speaks
What is it with men and their unending musing
About love and lust and the nonsense in-between?
All i wanted was a roll in the sack
But before i knew it, i was told to pack
'He'll kill me, he's seen your letter!" was his plaintive cry
"But.. but.. how did he know?" was my confused reply.
Two days now, and i wonder where i went wrong,
One love letter that fell in the other's hands
Ted and my man, both dumber than bricks
Can't see that i'm not interested in their sticks
There IS true love, but neither of them know
That it's Ted's wife i'd rather blow...
THE DARKEST HOUR BEFORE DAWN : Ted's Wife Speaks
My neighbor is sweet, her name was Nancy
Dunno why, but i'd caught her fancy
I have the curves and high heeled shoes
But there's always a few inches a girl can lose
Ted's been patient, but he's reached the end of his tether
And i can see why he'd jump the fence over
Nancy probably wanted to see a little city-side whirl
The truth is, she's all woman, that girl
With her winks and her lip-licking trickery
It's possible this village is too small for her witchery
Grabbing her mink jacket and Slims that she smokes
She thinks she's ready to open new doors
My door would be the wrong one, i'll have to admit
Because while she's gorgeous, i'm surely not the best fit
Two women together may be her dream come true
But my problems are really too big for two
One of the issues is that i like a Man's wood
And the other is that i'm really a dude.
Woke up this morning, with a single thought in my head
That time was running by, but it was hard to get out of bed
What happened to the man i was just yesterday?
And then i remembered, with the suddenness of death
My old woman Nancy, she'd run off with my neighbor Ted
My coffee isn't in the pot, my shirts ain't laundered
When i see that lying cunt, I'll get her ku-chumbered
But for now, i have to find my slippers and get on with the day
Maybe I'll find Ted's wife, and bang her all through May
There has to be a plan
In this godforsaken World
If there is a carnivorous plant,
There must be a vegan boar
Someday when the balances finally figure out their job
That'll be the day I'll happily rip out Ted's heart.
DAYTIME DREAMS : Ted Speaks
Ted's my name, but i'm thinking of changing it over
Cuz Nancy is nice, but she's really not worth the trouble
Of having her husband chase me around town
with a machete stained with old blood that's now turned brown
I'm no hero, and i'm clearly not too bright
Cuz when a girl is unhappy, i just tried to make it right
Sure i'm a catch, she'd be insane not to want me
With my Best Piss in the Snow award and my miniature backyard tee-pee
Now we're on the road, heading east of wherever
She's snoring in the backseat; dunno why i'm the designated driver
She'll wake up and want to grab a bite of something nice
Hey, whatdya know, i'll just lie back and enjoy the ride!
THE TWILIGHT ZONE : Nancy Speaks
What is it with men and their unending musing
About love and lust and the nonsense in-between?
All i wanted was a roll in the sack
But before i knew it, i was told to pack
'He'll kill me, he's seen your letter!" was his plaintive cry
"But.. but.. how did he know?" was my confused reply.
Two days now, and i wonder where i went wrong,
One love letter that fell in the other's hands
Ted and my man, both dumber than bricks
Can't see that i'm not interested in their sticks
There IS true love, but neither of them know
That it's Ted's wife i'd rather blow...
THE DARKEST HOUR BEFORE DAWN : Ted's Wife Speaks
My neighbor is sweet, her name was Nancy
Dunno why, but i'd caught her fancy
I have the curves and high heeled shoes
But there's always a few inches a girl can lose
Ted's been patient, but he's reached the end of his tether
And i can see why he'd jump the fence over
Nancy probably wanted to see a little city-side whirl
The truth is, she's all woman, that girl
With her winks and her lip-licking trickery
It's possible this village is too small for her witchery
Grabbing her mink jacket and Slims that she smokes
She thinks she's ready to open new doors
My door would be the wrong one, i'll have to admit
Because while she's gorgeous, i'm surely not the best fit
Two women together may be her dream come true
But my problems are really too big for two
One of the issues is that i like a Man's wood
And the other is that i'm really a dude.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Of Ex's And Why's...
My Valentine's Day post is long overdue though it has been on my mind for a while. The truth is, while I don't believe that the day a saint died is a day for much celebration, I do believe in the overall emotion of the day - greeting cards and florists notwithstanding. The truth is - I ENJOY love. I enjoy it in people around me, I enjoy it in the cutesy behaviors (regardless of the eye-rolling I do), I enjoy it in the total hopefulness that is manifested. Nothing could possibly go wrong when one is in love.
Just recently, I encountered Sam. It's been a long 5 years since that relationship ended, a long 5 years where I've slowly put my life back together. And... (I know I've said it a few times before).. I smiled. Genuinely. I suddenly remember all the laughs we used to have. I remember what I loved about him. I remember the moments of pure joy I felt when i was around him, the little surprises we planned for each other, how being in love made me nicer. It was great... because I felt no bitterness. At all. Today, when I think of him, it's with a smile.
Then, a few weeks ago, I went to attend a friend's wedding, and bumped into another ex-from-another-lifetime. He'd recently gotten married, and there was a lot of history there between us - in short, his then-off-again-on-again-girlfriend-now-wife had slept with my then-new-boyfriend-now-nobody in what I call the "revenge-fuck" strategy. Clearly, his relationship had absorbed the hit, while mine had disintegrated over that and other issues. Lots of water, under several bridges. And today, a decade later, we were finally talking to each other again. It was great... and odd, because he kept insisting on raking over the scabs of those old wounds... only to discover that there was no pain there anymore.
In celebration, and in a kind of maudlin frame of mind (everyone's getting married and I'm nowhere near even a normal relationship!) I went to meet Tammy, a man I work with sometimes and have a minor crush on. And what was supposed to last the duration of a sobering cup of coffee and perhaps one cigarette lasted for 7 hours. We watched the sun come up as we talked about his disintegrating marriage, my love life, movies and stories, my daddy-issues, his mommy-issues... No, neither of us "made a move". But there's something to be said about the intimacy of quiet conversation in the middle-of-the-night silence, surrounded by the muted hum of the coffee machine and the low growl of intermittent traffic... It was a perfect setting to unexpectedly connect with someone I barely ever talk to, except about work.
And this is what I realize. I find it difficult to reach out and be 'personal' with someone except with people who've known me for years. I can talk for hours about work and stories and scripts and deadlines and edits and the state of the world, and the ideal nature of relationships and everything else in between, but when it comes to my life, about telling someone how I feel about them, about letting them know that I miss them, that they can so easily become a priority in my life with just the littlest amount of encouragement... I run to the hills. It's likely that all this springs from a crushingly low sense of self worth (After all, nobody I like could possibly like me!!) or an irrational fear of plumbing my emotional depths and discovering once and for all that I AM a sociopath...
Whatever be the reason... In this season of love, I'm beginning to feel like being brave enough to give love some kind of way in...
Now if only I knew how (*breaking out in a sweat*)...!
Just recently, I encountered Sam. It's been a long 5 years since that relationship ended, a long 5 years where I've slowly put my life back together. And... (I know I've said it a few times before).. I smiled. Genuinely. I suddenly remember all the laughs we used to have. I remember what I loved about him. I remember the moments of pure joy I felt when i was around him, the little surprises we planned for each other, how being in love made me nicer. It was great... because I felt no bitterness. At all. Today, when I think of him, it's with a smile.
Then, a few weeks ago, I went to attend a friend's wedding, and bumped into another ex-from-another-lifetime. He'd recently gotten married, and there was a lot of history there between us - in short, his then-off-again-on-again-girlfriend-now-wife had slept with my then-new-boyfriend-now-nobody in what I call the "revenge-fuck" strategy. Clearly, his relationship had absorbed the hit, while mine had disintegrated over that and other issues. Lots of water, under several bridges. And today, a decade later, we were finally talking to each other again. It was great... and odd, because he kept insisting on raking over the scabs of those old wounds... only to discover that there was no pain there anymore.
In celebration, and in a kind of maudlin frame of mind (everyone's getting married and I'm nowhere near even a normal relationship!) I went to meet Tammy, a man I work with sometimes and have a minor crush on. And what was supposed to last the duration of a sobering cup of coffee and perhaps one cigarette lasted for 7 hours. We watched the sun come up as we talked about his disintegrating marriage, my love life, movies and stories, my daddy-issues, his mommy-issues... No, neither of us "made a move". But there's something to be said about the intimacy of quiet conversation in the middle-of-the-night silence, surrounded by the muted hum of the coffee machine and the low growl of intermittent traffic... It was a perfect setting to unexpectedly connect with someone I barely ever talk to, except about work.
And this is what I realize. I find it difficult to reach out and be 'personal' with someone except with people who've known me for years. I can talk for hours about work and stories and scripts and deadlines and edits and the state of the world, and the ideal nature of relationships and everything else in between, but when it comes to my life, about telling someone how I feel about them, about letting them know that I miss them, that they can so easily become a priority in my life with just the littlest amount of encouragement... I run to the hills. It's likely that all this springs from a crushingly low sense of self worth (After all, nobody I like could possibly like me!!) or an irrational fear of plumbing my emotional depths and discovering once and for all that I AM a sociopath...
Whatever be the reason... In this season of love, I'm beginning to feel like being brave enough to give love some kind of way in...
Now if only I knew how (*breaking out in a sweat*)...!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Breaking Bad
When do you know that it's time to quit? Some decisions are easy... and others...
A couple of nights ago, I found myself having an impromptu drink with a few people from work. Along with the couple of drinks, I also ended up smoking a lot - mostly out of boredom, and some of it out of the restlessness of having nothing to do with my hands. This morning, I woke up with this feeling of getting slowly choked... swallowing is uncomfortable. Close on the heels of that discovery came the thought - My grandpa had throat cancer, the first signs of which manifested in trouble swallowing. And boom, as of this morning, I have officially quit smoking.
Then, a couple of years ago, I met VJ. Over the last few years I've gotten to know him slightly better, but not much. That's a problem today, even though it wasn't when we started. A few years ago, no-strings-attached was all that I had space for. Today, I have a lot more to give and, perhaps, the more difficult thing of being able to receive. The truth is, I do like him - he's sweet and enthusiastic and has passion for his life. That's a rare thing to find, and I would like to hold on to it. But I have to admit that holding on to people requires effort from all the people involved. He's lovely, but - as the movie made very clear - he's just not that into me. And that means, I honestly, albeit reluctantly, have to lock that slightly ajar door, that he's walked through often, and lose the key.
And finally I look at my life of writing movies. Every film I have written has been fraught with trouble. My first film - huge heartbreak and enormous personal meltdown. Also, screenplay turned into an awful film. My second film (big banner, sought after director, etc) - shelved indefinitely, causes unknown. My third film - very supportive director and producer, great story, everyone's happy with how it's all playing out - and then my Director dies. Right now that film is stuck in writing limbo. The screenplay keeps getting tossed around to different people for their opinions, and because all people bring their own unique worldview into anything they read, each opinion is wildly different - all of which my producer (well-intentioned, highly suggestible non-writer) wants incorporated into this "Film that will be the best film ever made". I'm frustrated with this entire process and I wonder if the Universe is flashing the "Stop Writing For Movies" sign that I'm just not seeing.
Are all of these habits that need to be broken...?
A couple of nights ago, I found myself having an impromptu drink with a few people from work. Along with the couple of drinks, I also ended up smoking a lot - mostly out of boredom, and some of it out of the restlessness of having nothing to do with my hands. This morning, I woke up with this feeling of getting slowly choked... swallowing is uncomfortable. Close on the heels of that discovery came the thought - My grandpa had throat cancer, the first signs of which manifested in trouble swallowing. And boom, as of this morning, I have officially quit smoking.
Then, a couple of years ago, I met VJ. Over the last few years I've gotten to know him slightly better, but not much. That's a problem today, even though it wasn't when we started. A few years ago, no-strings-attached was all that I had space for. Today, I have a lot more to give and, perhaps, the more difficult thing of being able to receive. The truth is, I do like him - he's sweet and enthusiastic and has passion for his life. That's a rare thing to find, and I would like to hold on to it. But I have to admit that holding on to people requires effort from all the people involved. He's lovely, but - as the movie made very clear - he's just not that into me. And that means, I honestly, albeit reluctantly, have to lock that slightly ajar door, that he's walked through often, and lose the key.
And finally I look at my life of writing movies. Every film I have written has been fraught with trouble. My first film - huge heartbreak and enormous personal meltdown. Also, screenplay turned into an awful film. My second film (big banner, sought after director, etc) - shelved indefinitely, causes unknown. My third film - very supportive director and producer, great story, everyone's happy with how it's all playing out - and then my Director dies. Right now that film is stuck in writing limbo. The screenplay keeps getting tossed around to different people for their opinions, and because all people bring their own unique worldview into anything they read, each opinion is wildly different - all of which my producer (well-intentioned, highly suggestible non-writer) wants incorporated into this "Film that will be the best film ever made". I'm frustrated with this entire process and I wonder if the Universe is flashing the "Stop Writing For Movies" sign that I'm just not seeing.
Are all of these habits that need to be broken...?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Ache..
I watch the children play with their dreams
Toss them around, as if there'll always be more
A chip there, a crack within
Is laughed off, like just another joke
I feel the stranger's unspoken joy
As she lets her baby's hand slip from hers
Yet, terrified of his inevitable pain
As his infallibility bleeds out. amidst salty tears
I read the words on the screen
The ones I've longed for years on end
But now they're here, I'm tied in knots
In my safety nets, drowning slow
I hear the voices whispering soft
Muted laughter, carried by the wind
Jumping into my blinkered life
My silence disrupted, my lone walk exposed...
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Dating-Shmating
It's official. Either dating is the stupidest, moronic thing in the world, or i'm just doing it wrong. I assume that dating is about romance... creating that warm, fuzzy feeling, that insane sparkly connection, that desire to reach out and touch another person.
But what is the fascination with meeting random people for coffee / drinks / dinner at various entertainment stops? What's the great moment of connection that i'm supposed to get from staring at someone's face, as they tell me all about investing in the stock market or social marketing, or lawyer-ing, or a joke about someone who said "sex-ion" instead of "section" (seriously, are we still 12 years old?), or a million other stupid things. All of them - good people. The only common factor being Me.
Honestly, I've never 'dated' (what is that anyway?). I've either been in love, or lust, or i have friends. It's exhausting meeting new people, going through the same conversations about "tell me about you.." when seriously, everyone seems super-bored with themselves. Ofcourse, i've read the literature about "show interest in the other person" etc and i appreciate someone trying to get to know me, and i'm usually always interested in a new person (who wouldn't be? They're new! But generating my curiosity? That's not happened in such a long time!) - but how is this supposed to create a "romantic" situation when i just want to smash my coffee mug / wine glass on his head or mine?!?!?
What's happened to the effortlessness of just connecting with someone? What happened to being surprised? Why is it all about convenience? Even if it's convenience, why are people just asking me out to consume something - coffee, food, alcohol?? Do they assume that feeding me is the only way to keep me in place while we have desultory conversation?
And the truth is, i miss it. I miss looking across the table and just thinking, 'Oh so cute/dishy/sexy/yummy!" instead of "Is it polite for me to leave now?" I miss being taken by surprise, being provoked (in a good way), being kept off-balance (again, good way) instead of thinking, "Oh Lord, I'm so not into him." I miss romance. I miss the butterflies in the stomach. I miss the body-slam of 'this is the one' desire. Instead, i get multiple cups of coffee, the sometimes-dinners, the depressing ratio of 5 nice conversations to 15 tedious encounters, the too much-too soon revelations.
Maybe this is what 'dating' is. In which case, can we just be remote, online messenger friends?
But what is the fascination with meeting random people for coffee / drinks / dinner at various entertainment stops? What's the great moment of connection that i'm supposed to get from staring at someone's face, as they tell me all about investing in the stock market or social marketing, or lawyer-ing, or a joke about someone who said "sex-ion" instead of "section" (seriously, are we still 12 years old?), or a million other stupid things. All of them - good people. The only common factor being Me.
Honestly, I've never 'dated' (what is that anyway?). I've either been in love, or lust, or i have friends. It's exhausting meeting new people, going through the same conversations about "tell me about you.." when seriously, everyone seems super-bored with themselves. Ofcourse, i've read the literature about "show interest in the other person" etc and i appreciate someone trying to get to know me, and i'm usually always interested in a new person (who wouldn't be? They're new! But generating my curiosity? That's not happened in such a long time!) - but how is this supposed to create a "romantic" situation when i just want to smash my coffee mug / wine glass on his head or mine?!?!?
What's happened to the effortlessness of just connecting with someone? What happened to being surprised? Why is it all about convenience? Even if it's convenience, why are people just asking me out to consume something - coffee, food, alcohol?? Do they assume that feeding me is the only way to keep me in place while we have desultory conversation?
And the truth is, i miss it. I miss looking across the table and just thinking, 'Oh so cute/dishy/sexy/yummy!" instead of "Is it polite for me to leave now?" I miss being taken by surprise, being provoked (in a good way), being kept off-balance (again, good way) instead of thinking, "Oh Lord, I'm so not into him." I miss romance. I miss the butterflies in the stomach. I miss the body-slam of 'this is the one' desire. Instead, i get multiple cups of coffee, the sometimes-dinners, the depressing ratio of 5 nice conversations to 15 tedious encounters, the too much-too soon revelations.
Maybe this is what 'dating' is. In which case, can we just be remote, online messenger friends?
Monday, January 24, 2011
This Moment
In this moment
With the waves and the sunlight
And the shimmering horizon
I'm here with you
I am closer, a heartbeat away
On a mountain side, cold water washing my ankles
With you standing years ago
I want to feel your encircling arms
without boundaries, without limits
So that i can reach out to you
And feel you solid, standing here
Next to me, and feel myself made real by you
It used to be so easy
And now, i don't know what it feels like
To have you under my skin.
With the waves and the sunlight
And the shimmering horizon
I'm here with you
I am closer, a heartbeat away
On a mountain side, cold water washing my ankles
With you standing years ago
I want to feel your encircling arms
without boundaries, without limits
So that i can reach out to you
And feel you solid, standing here
Next to me, and feel myself made real by you
It used to be so easy
And now, i don't know what it feels like
To have you under my skin.
Friday, January 14, 2011
The Unexpected...
.. just happened. A boy realized that he'd screwed up... and .. apologized!!!
He said:
Acted like an ass and if you are in a forgiving mood, then lets get in touch
She Said:
Woah! What brought this on?
He Said:
So I was sitting and I read something with the word "searching". And then I thought about Searcher. So I started pondering that maybe I really did not want to go to Vir Das all the way to town and just wanted to tick you off and close the topic. And then thought that what I did to press you for your number was not fair and so there I was...writing to you. What say?
Hmm. Needless to say I'm not used to receiving apologies, particularly from strangers who, let's face it, don't really owe each other anything. Mostly I get the silent treatment or the "let's pretend this never happened" treatment or the "I'm so hurt by what you said but I'll just keep my pain to myself except when I sigh deeply and often" treatment. I mean, what's the protocol now? He's asked me out.. again.. and i'm wondering if i should attempt it. His apology confirms what I had suspected about his nature. The fact that he's contrite (much appreciated) - should it make me ignore the fact that he quite likely IS a childish and stubborn person with a capacity to hurt, when he doesn't get his own way?
Also, the fact is that as timing goes, it couldn't be worse for being asked out. Lately I've been spending all my waking hours inside a cramped edit studio, working on a project that couldn't be more soul-killing, and my sleeping hours dreaming about all that needs to be done for it. Along with that, I have been dealing with an awful bout of the 'flu and have almost-literally not had time for a deep breath. I look like shit, I couldn't feel less sexy, and my stores of patience just don't have enough in them to deal with gracefully dodging a man's areas of insecurity.
On the other hand, maybe this IS a good time to be asked out... The ultimate test of resilience :)
He said:
Acted like an ass and if you are in a forgiving mood, then lets get in touch
She Said:
Woah! What brought this on?
He Said:
So I was sitting and I read something with the word "searching". And then I thought about Searcher. So I started pondering that maybe I really did not want to go to Vir Das all the way to town and just wanted to tick you off and close the topic. And then thought that what I did to press you for your number was not fair and so there I was...writing to you. What say?
Hmm. Needless to say I'm not used to receiving apologies, particularly from strangers who, let's face it, don't really owe each other anything. Mostly I get the silent treatment or the "let's pretend this never happened" treatment or the "I'm so hurt by what you said but I'll just keep my pain to myself except when I sigh deeply and often" treatment. I mean, what's the protocol now? He's asked me out.. again.. and i'm wondering if i should attempt it. His apology confirms what I had suspected about his nature. The fact that he's contrite (much appreciated) - should it make me ignore the fact that he quite likely IS a childish and stubborn person with a capacity to hurt, when he doesn't get his own way?
Also, the fact is that as timing goes, it couldn't be worse for being asked out. Lately I've been spending all my waking hours inside a cramped edit studio, working on a project that couldn't be more soul-killing, and my sleeping hours dreaming about all that needs to be done for it. Along with that, I have been dealing with an awful bout of the 'flu and have almost-literally not had time for a deep breath. I look like shit, I couldn't feel less sexy, and my stores of patience just don't have enough in them to deal with gracefully dodging a man's areas of insecurity.
On the other hand, maybe this IS a good time to be asked out... The ultimate test of resilience :)
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
A Perfect Calm
Like that before a storm, maybe
Or just the eddying lake where the waters from the falls come to rest
Hinting at past tumults, yet comfortable in today's ripples
Taking a breather before the Next Great Shift
There will always be another one
For even as it lies mirror-still
It craves for someone to dive in, shattering its peace
So it can once again strive for quiet.
Perfection is that it's always just a little out of reach.
Or just the eddying lake where the waters from the falls come to rest
Hinting at past tumults, yet comfortable in today's ripples
Taking a breather before the Next Great Shift
There will always be another one
For even as it lies mirror-still
It craves for someone to dive in, shattering its peace
So it can once again strive for quiet.
Perfection is that it's always just a little out of reach.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Why Resolve to be Different when We're Unique?
We are what we feel
We are empty and warm
We are untouched and overwhelmed
Love and indifference, joy and breathlessness
We are what we hear
We are the silence under the clamor
We are the waves of the ocean
We are the notes of music wafting on the breeze
We are the sighs of lovers
Who are choked up and relieved
That there will be another day of meeting
And another day of loss
We are the end of a year
We are the beginning
We are the truth
That nothing and everything changes
And that it's all a constant
We are what we touch
A fevered brow, a cold shoulder
The roughened edges of reality
Damp tears pushed away
We are what we taste
We are acrid and bittersweet
We are sweet and venomous
We are who we are
For better or for worse.
We are empty and warm
We are untouched and overwhelmed
Love and indifference, joy and breathlessness
We are what we hear
We are the silence under the clamor
We are the waves of the ocean
We are the notes of music wafting on the breeze
We are the sighs of lovers
Who are choked up and relieved
That there will be another day of meeting
And another day of loss
We are the end of a year
We are the beginning
We are the truth
That nothing and everything changes
And that it's all a constant
We are what we touch
A fevered brow, a cold shoulder
The roughened edges of reality
Damp tears pushed away
We are what we taste
We are acrid and bittersweet
We are sweet and venomous
We are who we are
For better or for worse.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Dating Blind and Poetic
Once upon a time, a girl was interested in a boy. He seemed nice, though how much can one actually know another person through the printed word, right? So she asked him out to a poetry slam in her neighborhood. If he agreed, this would serve as the perfect setting not just in terms of being a public place, and hence safer to meet a total stranger, but also as a spot to discover a bit more about each others artistic and fun leanings.
She Said:
So, there's a Poetry slam being hosted in Bandra. You wanna go?
He Said:
Poetry and me?
Kiddin thy must be
Although fine I am with the time,
Dont think I can stand the rhyme
Now before you judge me as a creep
I will come, but you have to let me sleep
Better still let us give this a pass
And opt for History of India by Vir Das
But seriously, Dec.6th to 11th busy I am,
So gotta skip this poetry grand slam
The 16th onwards, a lot of time I have free,
So lets start with a 1am drive to Fariyas for coffee
And this is when things got interesting.
She Said:
Your words of rhyme
Are a surprising facet indeed
But if not the poetry slam
The History of India, it shall be
And midnight drives, to Lonavala or closer
Will have to wait till i know you better
Cuz I am a damsel, secure i must be
That you're not on an axe-murdering spree
He Said:
An axe-murderere or a psycho, I am surely not to be
But from a damsel's point of view, the logic do I see
So final it is for Vir Das, as the poetry would've made me slumber
And lastly where do we meet and what is your number
She Said:
We will meet where the show is being played
If you tell me when, I'll try not to be delayed
You know my face, and I know your name
Let's pick a spot so we can meet before the same
And if all goes well, and neither is a schlep
A phone number will definitely be the next step
He Said:
I gotta find Tata hall, where the show is hosted
In that great effort my mind will be toasted
And then to imagine a place where we shall meet
Based on a single photo, is quite a feat
Now if you are so paranoid to even give a number
For me to drive to Nariman point, would seem even dumber
If one is a dud and we already plan a flight
Then too much effort let us not put, as a hindsight
Plan something in Juhu/Andheri, boring it may be
If interested are we, then further we can see
So I propose an alternative, to which you are already privy
A bottle of wine, at Versova Ivy
Hmm...
She Said:
If you were to drive, so had I
If an effort had to be made, it was yours and mine
If a 'boring' evening is the best that you can envisage
Then the day is done, even before we start
My safety nets are mine, maybe flimsy at best
If you can't see that, then you failed the test.
And, umm.. if your plan was for tonight, then it was really bad timing
Because a lady needs notice, not a couple of hours of rhyming.
He Said:
One thing is for sure, I do not want to be tested
Although backflips you might do, to keep me interested
Your logic is true and by your safety nets I do abide
But makes no sense for the effort, if your number you cannot confide
Drink we can one and evaluate before we have another
If I can slip away and be home to watch 'How I met your mother'
So the best bet would be the wine bar, if the same is your will
The message you would get clear, if I leave you to pay the bill
Ok, so this is suddenly sounding not so nice...
She Said:
Charming. And yeah, let's not. Enjoy the show - both on TV and on stage. Goodbye
He Said:
I thought you were cool and knew I was kidding
But interesting you are, so I gotta do your bidding
So how about we finally stop this debate
And meet tomorrow, maybe at eight?
I have your pic and you have mine
I'll call out to the one who looks so divine
Now I gotta run and get back to my office
So await will I your reply and stop this maska polish
She Said:
You're probably interesting too, but i sense a brewing skirmish
It's a chemical misfit i think, not maska polish
What was supposed to be a stress-free encounter
Is now looking like uncharted potential disaster
Poetry is great because it reveals feelings better than prose
While one concentrates on rhyming, one's attitude clearly shows
So maybe you're right, i don't have a sense of humour
Or maybe it's you, who's managed to scare off a stranger
So best to leave this be, no harm, no foul
A pity really, but no point taking it personally at all.
He Said:
Agreed. It was nice whatever has transpired.
And no further mails for this is required.
And they lived happily ever after :-)
She Said:
So, there's a Poetry slam being hosted in Bandra. You wanna go?
He Said:
Poetry and me?
Kiddin thy must be
Although fine I am with the time,
Dont think I can stand the rhyme
Now before you judge me as a creep
I will come, but you have to let me sleep
Better still let us give this a pass
And opt for History of India by Vir Das
But seriously, Dec.6th to 11th busy I am,
So gotta skip this poetry grand slam
The 16th onwards, a lot of time I have free,
So lets start with a 1am drive to Fariyas for coffee
And this is when things got interesting.
She Said:
Your words of rhyme
Are a surprising facet indeed
But if not the poetry slam
The History of India, it shall be
And midnight drives, to Lonavala or closer
Will have to wait till i know you better
Cuz I am a damsel, secure i must be
That you're not on an axe-murdering spree
He Said:
An axe-murderere or a psycho, I am surely not to be
But from a damsel's point of view, the logic do I see
So final it is for Vir Das, as the poetry would've made me slumber
And lastly where do we meet and what is your number
She Said:
We will meet where the show is being played
If you tell me when, I'll try not to be delayed
You know my face, and I know your name
Let's pick a spot so we can meet before the same
And if all goes well, and neither is a schlep
A phone number will definitely be the next step
He Said:
I gotta find Tata hall, where the show is hosted
In that great effort my mind will be toasted
And then to imagine a place where we shall meet
Based on a single photo, is quite a feat
Now if you are so paranoid to even give a number
For me to drive to Nariman point, would seem even dumber
If one is a dud and we already plan a flight
Then too much effort let us not put, as a hindsight
Plan something in Juhu/Andheri, boring it may be
If interested are we, then further we can see
So I propose an alternative, to which you are already privy
A bottle of wine, at Versova Ivy
Hmm...
She Said:
If you were to drive, so had I
If an effort had to be made, it was yours and mine
If a 'boring' evening is the best that you can envisage
Then the day is done, even before we start
My safety nets are mine, maybe flimsy at best
If you can't see that, then you failed the test.
And, umm.. if your plan was for tonight, then it was really bad timing
Because a lady needs notice, not a couple of hours of rhyming.
He Said:
One thing is for sure, I do not want to be tested
Although backflips you might do, to keep me interested
Your logic is true and by your safety nets I do abide
But makes no sense for the effort, if your number you cannot confide
Drink we can one and evaluate before we have another
If I can slip away and be home to watch 'How I met your mother'
So the best bet would be the wine bar, if the same is your will
The message you would get clear, if I leave you to pay the bill
Ok, so this is suddenly sounding not so nice...
She Said:
Charming. And yeah, let's not. Enjoy the show - both on TV and on stage. Goodbye
He Said:
I thought you were cool and knew I was kidding
But interesting you are, so I gotta do your bidding
So how about we finally stop this debate
And meet tomorrow, maybe at eight?
I have your pic and you have mine
I'll call out to the one who looks so divine
Now I gotta run and get back to my office
So await will I your reply and stop this maska polish
She Said:
You're probably interesting too, but i sense a brewing skirmish
It's a chemical misfit i think, not maska polish
What was supposed to be a stress-free encounter
Is now looking like uncharted potential disaster
Poetry is great because it reveals feelings better than prose
While one concentrates on rhyming, one's attitude clearly shows
So maybe you're right, i don't have a sense of humour
Or maybe it's you, who's managed to scare off a stranger
So best to leave this be, no harm, no foul
A pity really, but no point taking it personally at all.
He Said:
Agreed. It was nice whatever has transpired.
And no further mails for this is required.
And they lived happily ever after :-)
This too shall pass... And it did.
Remember my "Marriage"? Yeah, it's over.
The only lessons that i can actually take away from it are these:
a) Pay attention to your instincts. They're the only ones looking out for you. And regardless of every other wisdom you have, your instincts are almost always spot on.
b) It's not supposed to be this hard. Ever. The Law of Nature is to pick the easiest route possible. That's why water moves towards gravity, not against it. That is why, with enough friction, all moving objects come to a halt. Because that's the law of Inertia. Predators kill off the weakest in the herd of prey - because it's the Law of the Jungle. Easy DOES do it.
c) It takes two people to screw something up. Not because either of you are bad, or inept. But just that the chemistry is all wrong. One carbon atom will bond with only two oxygen atoms - not less or more - to form a stable compound, and Helium won't bond with anything. It's just how it is.
d) We need to have break-up etiquette classes as part of compulsory education.
The only lessons that i can actually take away from it are these:
a) Pay attention to your instincts. They're the only ones looking out for you. And regardless of every other wisdom you have, your instincts are almost always spot on.
b) It's not supposed to be this hard. Ever. The Law of Nature is to pick the easiest route possible. That's why water moves towards gravity, not against it. That is why, with enough friction, all moving objects come to a halt. Because that's the law of Inertia. Predators kill off the weakest in the herd of prey - because it's the Law of the Jungle. Easy DOES do it.
c) It takes two people to screw something up. Not because either of you are bad, or inept. But just that the chemistry is all wrong. One carbon atom will bond with only two oxygen atoms - not less or more - to form a stable compound, and Helium won't bond with anything. It's just how it is.
d) We need to have break-up etiquette classes as part of compulsory education.
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