Breaking Bad

When do you know that it's time to quit? Some decisions are easy... and others...

A couple of nights ago, I found myself having an impromptu drink with a few people from work. Along with the couple of drinks, I also ended up smoking a lot - mostly out of boredom, and some of it out of the restlessness of having nothing to do with my hands. This morning, I woke up with this feeling of getting slowly choked... swallowing is uncomfortable. Close on the heels of that discovery came the thought - My grandpa had throat cancer, the first signs of which manifested in trouble swallowing. And boom, as of this morning, I have officially quit smoking.

Then, a couple of years ago, I met VJ. Over the last few years I've gotten to know him slightly better, but not much. That's a problem today, even though it wasn't when we started. A few years ago, no-strings-attached was all that I had space for. Today, I have a lot more to give and, perhaps, the more difficult thing of being able to receive. The truth is, I do like him - he's sweet and enthusiastic and has passion for his life. That's a rare thing to find, and I would like to hold on to it. But I have to admit that holding on to people requires effort from all the people involved. He's lovely, but - as the movie made very clear - he's just not that into me. And that means, I honestly, albeit reluctantly, have to lock that slightly ajar door, that he's walked through often, and lose the key.

And finally I look at my life of writing movies. Every film I have written has been fraught with trouble. My first film - huge heartbreak and enormous personal meltdown. Also, screenplay turned into an awful film. My second film (big banner, sought after director, etc) - shelved indefinitely, causes unknown. My third film - very supportive director and producer, great story, everyone's happy with how it's all playing out - and then my Director dies. Right now that film is stuck in writing limbo. The screenplay keeps getting tossed around to different people for their opinions, and because all people bring their own unique worldview into anything they read, each opinion is wildly different - all of which my producer (well-intentioned, highly suggestible non-writer) wants incorporated into this "Film that will be the best film ever made". I'm frustrated with this entire process and I wonder if the Universe is flashing the "Stop Writing For Movies" sign that I'm just not seeing.

Are all of these habits that need to be broken...?

Ache..

I watch the children play with their dreams

Toss them around, as if there'll always be more

A chip there, a crack within

Is laughed off, like just another joke

I feel the stranger's unspoken joy

As she lets her baby's hand slip from hers

Yet, terrified of his inevitable pain

As his infallibility bleeds out. amidst salty tears

I read the words on the screen

The ones I've longed for years on end

But now they're here, I'm tied in knots

In my safety nets, drowning slow

I hear the voices whispering soft

Muted laughter, carried by the wind

Jumping into my blinkered life

My silence disrupted, my lone walk exposed...

Dating-Shmating

It's official. Either dating is the stupidest, moronic thing in the world, or i'm just doing it wrong. I assume that dating is about romance... creating that warm, fuzzy feeling, that insane sparkly connection, that desire to reach out and touch another person.

But what is the fascination with meeting random people for coffee / drinks / dinner at various entertainment stops? What's the great moment of connection that i'm supposed to get from staring at someone's face, as they tell me all about investing in the stock market or social marketing, or lawyer-ing, or a joke about someone who said "sex-ion" instead of "section" (seriously, are we still 12 years old?), or a million other stupid things. All of them - good people. The only common factor being Me.

Honestly, I've never 'dated' (what is that anyway?). I've either been in love, or lust, or i have friends. It's exhausting meeting new people, going through the same conversations about "tell me about you.." when seriously, everyone seems super-bored with themselves. Ofcourse, i've read the literature about "show interest in the other person" etc and i appreciate someone trying to get to know me, and i'm usually always interested in a new person (who wouldn't be? They're new! But generating my curiosity? That's not happened in such a long time!) - but how is this supposed to create a "romantic" situation when i just want to smash my coffee mug / wine glass on his head or mine?!?!?

What's happened to the effortlessness of just connecting with someone? What happened to being surprised? Why is it all about convenience? Even if it's convenience, why are people just asking me out to consume something - coffee, food, alcohol?? Do they assume that feeding me is the only way to keep me in place while we have desultory conversation?

And the truth is, i miss it. I miss looking across the table and just thinking, 'Oh so cute/dishy/sexy/yummy!" instead of "Is it polite for me to leave now?" I miss being taken by surprise, being provoked (in a good way), being kept off-balance (again, good way) instead of thinking, "Oh Lord, I'm so not into him." I miss romance. I miss the butterflies in the stomach. I miss the body-slam of 'this is the one' desire. Instead, i get multiple cups of coffee, the sometimes-dinners, the depressing ratio of 5 nice conversations to 15 tedious encounters, the too much-too soon revelations.

Maybe this is what 'dating' is. In which case, can we just be remote, online messenger friends?

This Moment

In this moment
With the waves and the sunlight
And the shimmering horizon
I'm here with you
I am closer, a heartbeat away
On a mountain side, cold water washing my ankles
With you standing years ago
I want to feel your encircling arms
without boundaries, without limits
So that i can reach out to you
And feel you solid, standing here
Next to me, and feel myself made real by you
It used to be so easy
And now, i don't know what it feels like
To have you under my skin.

The Unexpected...

.. just happened. A boy realized that he'd screwed up... and .. apologized!!!

He said:

Acted like an ass and if you are in a forgiving mood, then lets get in touch

She Said:

Woah! What brought this on?

He Said:

So I was sitting and I read something with the word "searching". And then I thought about Searcher. So I started pondering that maybe I really did not want to go to Vir Das all the way to town and just wanted to tick you off and close the topic. And then thought that what I did to press you for your number was not fair and so there I was...writing to you. What say?

Hmm. Needless to say I'm not used to receiving apologies, particularly from strangers who, let's face it, don't really owe each other anything. Mostly I get the silent treatment or the "let's pretend this never happened" treatment or the "I'm so hurt by what you said but I'll just keep my pain to myself except when I sigh deeply and often" treatment. I mean, what's the protocol now? He's asked me out.. again.. and i'm wondering if i should attempt it. His apology confirms what I had suspected about his nature. The fact that he's contrite (much appreciated) - should it make me ignore the fact that he quite likely IS a childish and stubborn person with a capacity to hurt, when he doesn't get his own way?

Also, the fact is that as timing goes, it couldn't be worse for being asked out. Lately I've been spending all my waking hours inside a cramped edit studio, working on a project that couldn't be more soul-killing, and my sleeping hours dreaming about all that needs to be done for it. Along with that, I have been dealing with an awful bout of the 'flu and have almost-literally not had time for a deep breath. I look like shit, I couldn't feel less sexy, and my stores of patience just don't have enough in them to deal with gracefully dodging a man's areas of insecurity.

On the other hand, maybe this IS a good time to be asked out... The ultimate test of resilience :)

A Perfect Calm

Like that before a storm, maybe
Or just the eddying lake where the waters from the falls come to rest
Hinting at past tumults, yet comfortable in today's ripples
Taking a breather before the Next Great Shift
There will always be another one
For even as it lies mirror-still
It craves for someone to dive in, shattering its peace
So it can once again strive for quiet.

Perfection is that it's always just a little out of reach.

Why Resolve to be Different when We're Unique?

We are what we feel
We are empty and warm
We are untouched and overwhelmed
Love and indifference, joy and breathlessness
We are what we hear
We are the silence under the clamor
We are the waves of the ocean
We are the notes of music wafting on the breeze
We are the sighs of lovers
Who are choked up and relieved
That there will be another day of meeting
And another day of loss
We are the end of a year
We are the beginning
We are the truth
That nothing and everything changes
And that it's all a constant
We are what we touch
A fevered brow, a cold shoulder
The roughened edges of reality
Damp tears pushed away
We are what we taste
We are acrid and bittersweet
We are sweet and venomous
We are who we are
For better or for worse.

Dating Blind and Poetic

Once upon a time, a girl was interested in a boy. He seemed nice, though how much can one actually know another person through the printed word, right? So she asked him out to a poetry slam in her neighborhood. If he agreed, this would serve as the perfect setting not just in terms of being a public place, and hence safer to meet a total stranger, but also as a spot to discover a bit more about each others artistic and fun leanings.

She Said:

So, there's a Poetry slam being hosted in Bandra. You wanna go?

He Said:

Poetry and me?
Kiddin thy must be
Although fine I am with the time,
Dont think I can stand the rhyme
Now before you judge me as a creep
I will come, but you have to let me sleep
Better still let us give this a pass
And opt for History of India by Vir Das
But seriously, Dec.6th to 11th busy I am,
So gotta skip this poetry grand slam
The 16th onwards, a lot of time I have free,
So lets start with a 1am drive to Fariyas for coffee

And this is when things got interesting.

She Said:

Your words of rhyme
Are a surprising facet indeed
But if not the poetry slam
The History of India, it shall be
And midnight drives, to Lonavala or closer
Will have to wait till i know you better
Cuz I am a damsel, secure i must be
That you're not on an axe-murdering spree

He Said:

An axe-murderere or a psycho, I am surely not to be
But from a damsel's point of view, the logic do I see
So final it is for Vir Das, as the poetry would've made me slumber
And lastly where do we meet and what is your number


She Said:

We will meet where the show is being played
If you tell me when, I'll try not to be delayed
You know my face, and I know your name
Let's pick a spot so we can meet before the same
And if all goes well, and neither is a schlep
A phone number will definitely be the next step

He Said:

I gotta find Tata hall, where the show is hosted
In that great effort my mind will be toasted
And then to imagine a place where we shall meet
Based on a single photo, is quite a feat
Now if you are so paranoid to even give a number
For me to drive to Nariman point, would seem even dumber
If one is a dud and we already plan a flight
Then too much effort let us not put, as a hindsight
Plan something in Juhu/Andheri, boring it may be
If interested are we, then further we can see
So I propose an alternative, to which you are already privy
A bottle of wine, at Versova Ivy

Hmm...

She Said:

If you were to drive, so had I
If an effort had to be made, it was yours and mine
If a 'boring' evening is the best that you can envisage
Then the day is done, even before we start
My safety nets are mine, maybe flimsy at best
If you can't see that, then you failed the test.
And, umm.. if your plan was for tonight, then it was really bad timing
Because a lady needs notice, not a couple of hours of rhyming.

He Said:

One thing is for sure, I do not want to be tested
Although backflips you might do, to keep me interested
Your logic is true and by your safety nets I do abide
But makes no sense for the effort, if your number you cannot confide
Drink we can one and evaluate before we have another
If I can slip away and be home to watch 'How I met your mother'
So the best bet would be the wine bar, if the same is your will
The message you would get clear, if I leave you to pay the bill

Ok, so this is suddenly sounding not so nice...

She Said:

Charming. And yeah, let's not. Enjoy the show - both on TV and on stage. Goodbye

He Said:

I thought you were cool and knew I was kidding
But interesting you are, so I gotta do your bidding
So how about we finally stop this debate
And meet tomorrow, maybe at eight?
I have your pic and you have mine
I'll call out to the one who looks so divine
Now I gotta run and get back to my office
So await will I your reply and stop this maska polish

She Said:

You're probably interesting too, but i sense a brewing skirmish
It's a chemical misfit i think, not maska polish
What was supposed to be a stress-free encounter
Is now looking like uncharted potential disaster
Poetry is great because it reveals feelings better than prose
While one concentrates on rhyming, one's attitude clearly shows
So maybe you're right, i don't have a sense of humour
Or maybe it's you, who's managed to scare off a stranger
So best to leave this be, no harm, no foul
A pity really, but no point taking it personally at all.

He Said:

Agreed. It was nice whatever has transpired.
And no further mails for this is required.

And they lived happily ever after :-)

This too shall pass... And it did.

Remember my "Marriage"? Yeah, it's over.

The only lessons that i can actually take away from it are these:

a) Pay attention to your instincts. They're the only ones looking out for you. And regardless of every other wisdom you have, your instincts are almost always spot on.

b) It's not supposed to be this hard. Ever. The Law of Nature is to pick the easiest route possible. That's why water moves towards gravity, not against it. That is why, with enough friction, all moving objects come to a halt. Because that's the law of Inertia. Predators kill off the weakest in the herd of prey - because it's the Law of the Jungle. Easy DOES do it.

c) It takes two people to screw something up. Not because either of you are bad, or inept. But just that the chemistry is all wrong. One carbon atom will bond with only two oxygen atoms - not less or more - to form a stable compound, and Helium won't bond with anything. It's just how it is.

d) We need to have break-up etiquette classes as part of compulsory education.

"If Kipling Wrote about Relationships..."

If you can laugh easily but not AT people
If you can drink, but not make drinking your aim
If you can smoke, but step away from chemicals and hallucinogens
And treat those two social lubricants just the same
If you believe that our lives are touched by magic
But not expect magic to do the laundry and dishes
If you think fast cars with rocket fuel engines are cool
And yet, can still drive within the speed limit
If you can accept a grudgingly offered apology
Or even one where not a single word is exchanged
And know that you have won this round
But be graceful enough to not rub someone's face in it
If expensive candle-lit dinners and romantic vacations are you
And movie, pizza and beer moments are possible too
If you have passion and love for something outside of you
That is not going according to plan
And there's nothing there to keep you going
except a will that says "Hold on", so you stay,
and work on it for another day
If you truly believe in a happily ever after
And that it's a goal worth working towards
Then yours will be the greatest love story possible
And which is more, it isn't far, my friend

In the final analysis...

Meg died. Brother got married. SN, my director, died. About 5 other people got married. My cousin got pregnant. A few more people died. Sony Mony changed her whole career profile. My FRIEND got pregnant. People are still getting married. KayC moved to a whole different country.

I bought a car.

Looking around me, i see people taking huge strides in their personal lives. They're moving on, doing the thing, living the life.

I - buy a car.

This has been a year of major upheaval for a lot of people i know. Things have dramatically been shaken up for them to reveal new, different and possibly more rewarding paths.

Me? I bought a car. Oh, and a TV.

Great.

Wish I Was Elsewhere

Ayn Rand wrote "Fountainhead", a fantastic book where she explained concepts of achievement and mediocrity through characters such as Howard Roark - as the striving for personal excellence, Peter Keating as the clueless yet exalted mediocre and Ellsworth Toohey, as the one who knows the difference and maliciously encourages the latter.

I watched this film - "Robot". Not to be confused with Isaac Asimov's "I, Robot" (now a major Hollywood motion picture starring Will Smith). This can be called Rajnikanth, Robot. Or Rajnikanth, Terminator. Or Rajnikanth, Mask. Or Rajnikanth, Bicentennial Man. Or Rajnikanth, Rubbish.

After 3 hours of relentless exposure to its gamma rays, I want to kill myself now. Not because it's a film that i wish i had made, or that i feel inadequate (I wish!). It's because i'm surrounded by people who are raving about this regressive piece-of-shit work... and the only reason can be that it's too socially uncool to do otherwise.

Themes covered in this film:

a) A perfectly understandable cause of suicide/mortification is being rescued naked from a burning building. In a choice between life and modesty, it's best to choose modesty.

b) It's all right to be almost-gang raped by your neighbors and then, a few screenshots later, look at them smugly across your balcony because "Heh heh, my pet Robot beat you! Nyah nyah nyaa nyaaaaaah nyaah." Don't involve the cops, don't stand up for yourself... just get a robot.

c) And now that you have a robot, it's okay to use it to beat up people in your neighborhood just because they annoy you, cheat in an exam that will determine if you are fit to be a doctor... oh, and speak to mosquitoes!

d) All robots - and machines really - can be taught emotions through speed-reading of self-help books and a healthy shot of lightning. And voila, we have a robot that is insane with lust and irrationality. Oh, and also a quivering lump of pathetic because "he's in love".

e) There is a species called Robo-Erectus. Half human, half machine with gobble-de-gook scientific claptrap explaining how metal molecules will fuse with human DNA through the act of a human copulating with.. yes, the robot who is now erectus.

f) It seems robots can be created but not destroyed. Even when completely dismantled, and powered off, and thrown into an out-of-town garbage dump (yes, because our scientists are smart enough to create an android, but still can't sort out the pesky problem of effective recycling and disposal), at the end of the day, the robot can still find its parts amidst the mile long garbage heap, and it can still speak to humans from behind plexiglass. Robots thus are beyond the laws of physics.

It's sad that the only thing to commend this cult film that has crossed all the usual boundaries of language and star power, is the computer graphics and animation team that is entirely from Los Angeles.

As a filmmaker, I'm really depressed that this garbage perhaps is the real standard i have to hold myself to.

Maybe Peter Keating is the real hero in this world. And maybe we're all Ellsworth Toohey.

It's Not Me, It's You

Someone told me recently that i was emotionally unavailable. To him and others who agree, here's what i have to say:

Go to hell. That emotional enough for you?

Before you sit on that little high horse and tell me all that i'm doing wrong and how it is my emotional unavailability that is attracting the kind of people it is, look back at your life and find me moments when i haven't been 'emotionally' available to you. I've been there to sit and bat the breeze in the middle of working days, i've been there to listen and talk till 5 am in the morning, i've always been available to go out - to a dinner or a movie, i've kept your awful secrets and loved you regardless, i've always picked up the phone and spoken to you whenever you have called, i've gone out of my way and called in favors for you, i've made a fool of myself to amuse you, i've respected your privacy and given you space whenever you have asked for it, I've helped you with your work, i've forced you to celebrate life guilt-free after a year of seeing someone die, I've welcomed you into my home, and i've held you when your world shattered.

And here's the truth - when i was hanging out in the middle of the workday, i could have been working and meeting my deadlines instead of staying up till 4 to make up for lost time! when i listen to you till 5 am, i could be easily sleeping and getting ready for my early morning appointment! when i go out with you at a moment's notice, i could be going out with anyone else, or sitting at home reading a book or watching back episodes of House; i could blab about your secrets or just shut you down under a barrage of guilt-driven morality trumpets, i could just not answer my phone and say "my phone was on silent mode" or "i hate talking to people so text or be gone" (responses to when my calls have gone unanswered - and i'm glad because you sometimes don't even bother coming back with a reason).

And you say, "People need to hear that you care about them." Sweety, if i didn't give a shit, you sure as hell won't be the person feeling secure enough in our friendship to be able to tell me some "home truths". It's because you know i care about you that you can talk to me about your shit, know that i'll be there at the other end of the line for as long as you need. And after all that you say, "You should call more often." Hmm. I HAVE called when i've needed YOU. When i'm about to down a bottle of pills, you've been in a meeting. When i've really really wanted to do something, you haven't been in the mood or you've pulled me to do what you want. When i've wanted help with work, you've been evasive. When i've been desperately unhappy, you've told me to "get over it". And i have sucked it up and put on my happy face because i've sensed you coming to the end of your tether.

So i've learned to not lean on you too much. I believe that the time you give me is precious and it's a privilege - so i will not burden it with phonecalls about the minuitiae of my life because, let's face it, we all have those. And over the last 12 years that i've lived on my own, with my family too far away to help or even be physically available, and my friends in different parts of the world, and my boyfriends leeching the lifeblood out of me, and jobs that have been earned without family recommendations or contacts, and pregnancies that have been dealt with, and illnesses that have been borne alone, etc etc i've learned to sort out my own shit.

Now here's also something i know - maybe you need to be needed, and you figure i don't need you. The truth is, i Do. And I know that in a hundred different ways you have been there for me. I recognize that and i love it. I'm careful with it. I don't call you emotionally unavailable when i clearly see so much evidence to the contrary. But i also know that if you're not there for me, i'll be okay. It's been training my life has given me. But i do WANT you, not for what you can do for me or how you can be useful to me, but because i genuinely like you, that you are an amazing person in your own self, regardless of whether i may benefit from you, and I love the fact that i'm allowed a peek into your life. That i shall always be there for you, even if you are unable to return the favor sometimes. It's unfortunate you don't understand what a huge compliment i'm paying you.

So instead, i write.

PS: If I'm attracting mirrors who reflect my emotionally barren life, what does that say about you?

Li'l Miss Psychopath?

Over the last few weeks i've been asking myself if i'm perhaps borderline psychopathic. The term came into common, everyday use with the episodes of Dexter (what a show, right?!?), but these days i find myself looking inward quite a bit. The thing is - i don't feel much of any emotion really. Yes, i have cried tears while watching a film - mostly about peoples' solitude and its various expressions - because somewhere it obviously touches a chord. And ofcourse i feel irritation and anger, and i find humour in situations. But it's all 'in the moment'.. as in, i don't think there's any... sentimentality?.. linked to the people or the occasion. Sometimes i think that maybe because i'm so acutely aware of my aloneness is why i may have gone to the other extreme and shut off my sensory valves.

It all came to a head one day when i decided to watch a favorite band play. I invited about 8 people to come along. ALL of them cancelled, and mostly for perfectly legitimate reasons too. One wasn't well, two were out of town, one's friend had recently died, one was at work. But there were a few who were just out of line (or maybe i felt that way because i so really wanted to go for the show and i hardly ever impose on my friends to do anything!) - one who forgot to return a phonecall to confirm his attendance and the other - Vinter - with whom the conversation went something like this:

Vinter: Just got back home

Me: Great. I'm still at my edit, So why don't i see you directly at the venue..?

Vinter: Oh.. umm.. by what time will you be done?

Me: I'm almost done, it'll just take me a really long time to get back home, pick you up and then head out...

Vinter: Oh.. you know the traffic is a nightmare..

Me: Yeah i know, i'll be facing it too

Vinter: Umm.. You've got company right? Apart from me?

Me: Nope..

(a pause)

Me: But listen, if you're not upto it, it's fine..

Vinter: Really? If you want i'll come

Me: Yes ofcourse i want you to come (that's why i invited you a week ago, right?) but if you don't want to, then that's ok..

Vinter: Umm..

Me: So..?

Vinter: Well, if you're giving me an out, i'll take it

Me: ofcourse you will.. allrighty, gotta go.


And I used to count her among my closer friends. Notice the past tense? I figure if a friend takes an out that is there, then what makes her any different from the thousand of other acquaintances i have?

Lately, i find myself referring to a few other close friends as 'acquaintances'. Sony Mony who, through her own admission, was using me for my 'talents and contacts' to further the reach of her business. Her exact words were, "Have i chosen the wrong person to ask to do something for me?" To put this in some kind of context - I was helping Sony Mony create written material for her business - ideas, presentations, workshops, etc. It was mostly as a favor. Then, when i'd forgotten to mail her something, she called me out of the blue and went on the offensive. Not good. When Baz Luhrmann said about some unexpected things coming at you at 4 pm on a tuesday afternoon - this is what he meant. After 2 weeks of the silent treatment, i finally broke and asked her if she ever wanted to discuss what had happened that afternoon of her unprovoked outburst and she said, 'Really? I hadn't even noticed that anything had happened." Well, if i haven't been missed, then i guess i'm not that important. Why make someone a priority when you're just an option, right? So, that's another "good friendship" that got tossed out.

The thing is - apart from a mild irritation (like a burr in the bonnet) and a sense of injury - i don't really miss either of them. They hail me every now and then and i'm always polite, but... it's gone. On good days i figure that it's just deadwood that's been sloughed off - people who treat you badly do not deserve the consideration that they have been receiving. On other days, i wonder if i'm a psychopath - unfeeling, untouched, destined to be alone forever - and maybe just a little too stringent in my standards of friendship.

And then i wonder, if the true mark of a fulfilled life is how you are, how you love, how you treat yourself and the people around you, then am i screwing up irredeemably?

Lessons from my "Marriage"

So sometimes i take life's really big steps as an experiment on myself. I do it with a slight sense of anxiety but mostly it is a "WTF" moment followed immediately with a "How bad can it possibly get?" and ending with a "One can always leave" reminder. This is not to say that one wants to leave, but a lot of the bravery comes from knowing that one does have that option.

I'm talking about my arranged "marriage". There's no other way to look at it. Some people call it "love and arranged".. in my case it was (apart from the above mentioned thoughts) "Kinda Like, Let's See Where it Goes." It was my first business venture in a partnership.

I started a company with my long-time acquaintance-friend. Honestly speaking, i'm usually one of the first people waving the red flags when it comes to working with friends. Apart from the usual problems of different temperaments and things getting sour over issues of money, work ethic, commitment - in a boy-girl partnership, there's also the niggling undercurrent of romantic-sexual tension/expectations.

And this is what i learned:

a) you never know what a person is really like until you start working with them - in a company or in a marriage. No amount of theory or "pre-nup" contracts does anything to ease the actual pain of adjusting to another person's baggage.

b) there is no thing as an equal partnership. One is always the child, the other is always the grown up. Once in a while, you may switch roles, and be happy to do so, but the majority of the time, one is throwing a tantrum, the other is counting to ten.

c) No matter what anyone says, there's always a subconscious testing of depth - depth of love, depth of trust, depth of support, how much is too much, why is too much "too much", keeping track of the wounds - real and imagined, and ofcourse - the retribution.

d) Money is an important thing. Doesn't mean you have to have a lot of it, but you do need so much that you don't mind parting with a bit of it to oil the wheels of togetherness. Whenever i say this, i have the idealistic light go on in my friends' eyes and their mouths start saying things like "money doesn't buy happiness" and "money is hollow" and "i don't believe in money." For them i have this to say: the romantic coffee, the walk in the sunset on empty white beaches, the candle lit dinner, the surprise small gifts - ALL of it is MONEY. There is more ofcourse. But there IS money.

e) Love is the other thing. Not just for each other - though that is important. But i think between people, LIKE and RESPECT are much more crucial. LOVE is for something that the two of you are working towards. It could be a company, a common future vision, family, live music, old hindi songs, antique curios, making home made wine, etc. To love something, and to work on it with someone you like and respect and yes, love too, is the kind of heady experience that is hard to duplicate with anyone else. If that is not there, then the focus shifts to how much the individual is gaining out of this partnership - and that's bad news because there's no end to individual greed and delusions of worth. A partnership works only when, in its entirety, it is greater than the sum of its parts.

f) Communication.. ah, that nightmare. Don't get me wrong, i've read the books and heard the chat shows that go on about it. But, let's admit it, communication is very hard to do. Sure, in an ideal world, all of us would be able to express ourselves in a clear and concise manner (without sitting on a therapist's couch) where we shall be understood for our good intentions and even better content, by an audience that is totally receptive to us. That's a Utopian illusion. In truth, in any relationship, at that critical time, the right word or the right phrase escapes us, but we blather on regardless, usually causing hurt and offense. And this without even considering the labyrinth of non-verbal cues that one has to navigate to get to some modicum of understanding. There's no real solution except to keep at it until we get it close to adequate.

g) Every partnership is fraught with conflict situations. Time, family, deadlines, work, even sheer lazyness sometimes bring us into "unstoppable force meets immovable object" zone. These conflicts - small or big - are exhausting. Inevitably, we become more discerning and pick our battles, choosing which ones are really the ones that are critical to our continued presence. These are the compromises one makes - all for the future goal that we love. This is not a bad thing. Successful war strategists down the ages have employed this very 'forward and retreat' approach to gather some of the world's greatest riches. We compromise on defending our ideals simply because we don't have the energy to do otherwise while struggling to get to our Goal. Between reaching our Goal with our partner (who's crucial to the exercise), and spending our energy fighting every battle, we choose to survive and fight another day. This is Good.

h) However, there are days when anger, irritation and resentment - mostly about the many compromises we have made - threaten to tip us over. Many many times when walking out is just a heartbeat away. At times like this, communication is also clearly not an option. This is when S P A C E is the only saving grace. This space could be a separate room, a crowded club, a really loud opera concert you listen to full blast on your headphones. The only rule is - this is where you go to shut out your partner. No phone calls. No long emotional texts. In this day of e-communication, mails and texts suffice to provide factual data to make the day or the work continue. This is also a good thing because it allows all the eddied emotional waters to settle and be calmed again before you address them. Hopefully with better results.

i) You find yourself constantly Re-EVALUATING the partnership. You wonder if all the effort and nonsense - and there is a LOT of both - is worth the "goal" you love. This is again a good thing. It also needs to be a highly individual thing. Your partner will not change. S/he has spent the last many years of her/his life becoming who s/he is, has successfully avoided changing for the 5000 or more people s/he met before you. The reason s/he thinks you're special is because you probably came closest to accepting her/him for who s/he is. Things won't become better or worse with a new partner - just another version of the same thing.

J) And now i finally come to the sex part, which in a business context, becomes 'playfulness' or 'fun'. You have to be able to have fun with your partner. It need not always be the whole start-to-finish-asm, but there must be a certain lightness - of touch and of heart - that makes every day that much easier to get through. It's the barometer of our personal happiness and is crucial.

Recently, i completed two years of my partnership. Today was a bad day. But after writing this, i think i'm ready for Round 7659809.

Ding!