The last two years - maybe more - has put me through the wringer. I have been forced to confront disappointments, insecurities, borderline financial crisis, loneliness and isolation. I have been through one meaningless relationship that went one step further in cementing my fear of being incapable of really connecting with another person and thus being alone forever. I have questioned my talent, my professional capabilities, my abilities to forge any kind of meaningful relationship. I have also forgiven others and myself a lot - so that’s one good thing.
But right now, on my way to a much deserved break, I find myself sitting at an airport, hearing multiple languages being spoken around me as I sip wine and notice I haven’t uttered a word apart from ordering said wine… And I find that I’m scrambling to find an identity. Back home, my my biggest conceit is that I always have a story running through my head; fictional characters whose fate lies in my hands, so much more interesting than real people. At this moment, however, I’m hard-pressed to come up with anything remotely interesting. On the contrary, my thoughts revolve around how easy it would be to just start again - new place, new people, new job, new identity, new friends - a chance to reinvent everything I am and could be.
Barring a few exceptions, at this moment, I could disappear from my life and not miss a single thing. After so many years of living, I think that’s a terrible state of affairs.
3 comments:
The less you carry with you, the lighter you will be...
Forgive yourself some more, and move on. There's someone, something waiting for you, somewhere, to make a difference.
Enjoy your break, and if you do get by without talking more than the barely essential, consider yourself lucky and blessed.
Have fun!
Damn I wish I cound find the right words to make you feel better, but I can't. Perhaps just that even though I don't really know you, I get excited when I get a message in my inbox that there is a new post from "searcher". You might feel lost in your life because you haven't found "happiness", a place, a satisfactory identity, the right guy... but you touch people with your words because they relate. Each in their own way. I relate. And I wish I could say the right words to make you feel better. Don't give up on what you are and have, maybe look at it from a different angle.
Be well, Michele
Thank you shoeshine and Anon... I really appreciate the kind words. And you have made me feel better. On the flip side, I've been walking a lot, exploring parts of this city and revisiting my feelings of it. It's therapeutic. I think deep down I was just exhausted, running on empty for too long. I'm getting better with every passing minute. Hugs to you both! <3
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