Monday, February 9, 2015

Too Good At Being Single?

Is there such a thing as being too good at being single? Like, "she’s too good at it for it to be good for her”. Or even, she’s too good at it for her to ever need a long-lasting relationship of any kind.

And I don’t just mean relationships of the romantic kind. Recently, I wrote about the changing faces of people I call friends. It wasn’t a happy post, but I ended on a note of it being a workable life. Maybe some people don’t get to have long-term witnesses to their lives. In my case, the ones who do show some kind of promise tend to move to a different country or die or break my heart just when things are getting interesting. And then when you flip through the life updates of mostly acquaintances on the ubiquitous social networking sites, you see that somehow people tend to manage to have those friends and families around them.. the repeat faces at important days of the year, the birthday cakes and the nightclub dancing and at funerals holding your hand. These are the faces that become your family, your support system and your life. 

Except in the case of people who’re too good at being single. Recently I was scrolling through the updates of various people on my FB page and I asked myself, “Who are these people?” I started “unfollowing” people, putting them under the “acquaintance” label and soon I realized that there were maybe 10 people whose access to me I would consider NOT restricting and about 25 more whom I wouldn’t mind knowing about. The remaining 480-something (98% of people on my site are people I actually know and have interacted with) I would put under the label of “Couldn’t care less if I tried.”

And when I looked at that list of 35 I realized what being too good at being single meant. Among those closest 35 people in my life, I realize I haven’t seen them and they haven’t seen me in months (months!) and the only time I thought of them was at 4 am on a Tue morning when I was irritated at my overfilled newsfeed. It means I’m really good at spending hours by myself at home, not necessarily in verbal communication with anyone, and my ‘feelings’ are explored and 'therapized' online in a blog. And when something bad happens and I find myself in bed for months, unable to reach out to anyone, unable to articulate my inner hell, I reach for my cat, a bottle of wine and marathon sessions of sitcoms. 

Because in those moments of silence you realize that you’re in the list of “couldn’t care less if I tried” for most of the people in your life. And for a very select (and probably changing) few, you fall in the 10. And you become good at coming to terms with that.

Maybe just a little too good at it.


Anonymous said...

sad, but also realistic. you've described this feeling very well. I'm not even sure anymore where I fall (for others) or where others fall for me. Sometimes i think people see me as more committed than i see myself because i have often broken up friendships too easily and for the wrong reasons.

Do you think your views of this would change if you were "not single"?

Searcher said...

Michele, I honestly don't know what my views would be if I were "not single." It's been a while.
But going by past experience, I think my friend
circle is a function of me being too private about my life, too picky about whom I confide in, an increasingly cynic-idealist conflicting approach and just..well.. luck. I can't seem to get away from that somehow :=/