Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Who, Me?

I've never been a popular kid. Through school i was always on the fringes of the 'in' crowd. I couldn't break into the Debating teams because i truly understood where the other guy was coming from; the dramatics team was a mystery as it was impossible for me to be 'natural' while playing 'little bo peep' and the basketball team had a height criterion.

I struggled with the fact that i wasn't ever going to be the 'hot chick' in school, that guys would always think of me as the back-thumping-never-crying-best-buddy and beautiful would never be a term applied to me. One day, while going through my delayed entry into adolescent agony, i despairingly asked my professor, "What if i'm no good at anything?!" And she wisely said, "Sometimes it's enough to be a good person." She obviously hadn't lived in the Bombay media world.

In my contrary state of mind (telling the world to go to hell while begging for acceptance in the same breath), i found solace in my diary (my older brother did too apparently, when he read out bits of my self-loathing to his friends, but that's another story). It became a place where i could be completely honest about what really mattered to me - and where the slow realisation hit me that little really did. But more importantly, it became a place of habit.

And today, when that habit has led to intensely private navel-gazing on the hugely public forum of the internet, i find that i finally have a much-appreciated fan club (you know who you are). But really, if truth and a healthy disdain of how people perceive you is all it takes to 'win friends and influence people', i wish someone had told me and saved me years of heartache. Then again... maybe not.

17 comments:

The One said...

Ah! The holy grail of acceptance. I know exactly what you mean.

I went to school in Delhi, where there were 3 kinds of in-crowd- the nattily dressed fauji types, the expansive lala types, and the dripping intellect variety. Being neither, I just hung around. While the cool crowd considered me scholarly, the guys with whom my grades matched up thought of me as too non-nerdy. But I had a lot of fun in school- absolutely no regrets.

As time goes by I realize that my occasional urges for acceptance are far easily overcome than my craving for solitude. To my relief, I read somewhere recently that a person’s need for social interaction is inversely related to the quality of his or her imagination. In other words, if you have an excellent imagination, you might enjoy people, but you’re equally happy to be alone with your thoughts for large stretches. To put it bluntly, you fascinate yourself. It is, at best, a conveniently flattering hypothesis.

Now with your permission I shall address the allegations against by Anon, in your previous post, since the comment count on that one has reached a ceremonial (must be in some communities) 40.

Anon: OMG!!! How did you figure out that I am a snob? I’m terrible.

Anyway. The two statements have been conveniently plucked from different contexts and juxtaposed. Let me give you an example to explain my PoV on this matter- especially in the case of Clueless Novice, who gives an impression of “time-running-out” frame of mind. Let us assume, today I meet someone who I think is “the one” for me (sic)- fulfills my description of the perfect partner (there isn’t any as far as I am concerned, but allow me to hypothesize), who satisfies the momentousness criteria of the first time. But there is a problem- in my case at the age of 30, there isn’t any first time any more. So do I go and feel terrible about not having saved for this “perfect” person? Or it takes away anything from the experience of past relationships. No. And given the times we live in, should the woman in question feel any less important? I would think not, and if she did, then she would not be the “perfect” person. Your turn now.

Damn, that was worth a post!

Searcher: We aren’t letting you off the hook yet. Spill the beans on the interesting episode of the weekend. Parent being here was a nice try, though. What say Anon?

The One said...

Anon: I didn't evade your suggestion of the coffee meeting with Searcher, she did- citing interesting developments in her life, details of which we still await.

Searcher said...

Evade? Who, Me? :-)

Interesting way of arguing your point, One - "(suppose i meet someone wonderful)..who satisfies the momentousness criteria of the first time... So do I go and feel terrible about not having saved for this “perfect” person?" Considering you were addressing Novice, the whole point is that she is 30 and there IS a first time for her still... (though, if she's taken my advice, we might just be discussing a moot point). So the point remains, if it isn't the "ONE", is the potential regret worth it?

The One said...

The ONE is a myth. Ever wondered why I call myself that? Breakfast on Sunday then?

Searcher said...

Breakfast with a Myth... hmm.. Though i must admit i have no idea how this is going to happen... given our respective cravings for anonymity...

The One said...

Neither do I- even with my occassional urge to indulge in the impossible.

Searcher said...

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is called an impasse :o) On to the next post.

The One said...

Classic!

Anonymous said...

Hey O and S.

I had written a nice long comment a couple of days back...but for some stupid technical glitch, I lost the whole thing! You don't know what you missed. But anyway, I come back again today.

T.O., don't you know how to pursue a girl?? "Classic"- Is that your response?? I mean c'mon! You didn't even 'attempt' to circumvent this minor problem. S calls it an "impasse" and you say impasse it is.

To come to think of it there really shouldn't be any craving for anonymity (specially for you S...and you know why *rolling eyes*)....you all write about your personal lives here (which I think is very very brave of you- I could never do that), you guys have that big thing in common. I mean what’s the big deal, what’s the worst that could happen?

Solution:-T.O, all you need to do it just post your email id here (ok, maybe not your 'real one' but the ‘other one’ that we all have for buying stuff on craigslist etc) and then she can write to you there. Reveal her real identity and then you can exchange phone numbers, decide to meet at some place.

C’mon what do you have to lose, I think it will be fun…..like a blind date….or rather a ‘blind blind date’……a fix up with a stranger ’by’ a stranger. I’m excited ! :)

A

The One said...

Craigslist is really cool. Especially the Missed Connections tab. What say? But is it any good?

Searcher said...

Anon: I crave anonymity. Doesn't mean i always get it. Yesterday, i found out that EVERYONE and their uncle knows about my blog, and that it belongs to me. Am seriously considering relocating :o)

T.O: I visited craigslist. Even saw the missed connections tab. Not particularly impressed. Did i miss something?

The One said...

Searcher: I like the concept.

You notice someone reading "Collected works of Proust" on the Tube, she catches your glance, unperturbed, a few times, you go back to your Economist, her station's next, she leaves- and you're like... shucks!
You come back home and post: "You got off at Swiss Cottage, 4.15PM, wearing a beige skirt and espadrilles, and a great smile. Can I borrow your Proust after you're done?" And there, perhaps you have a connection. Concept. Concept.

Of course, in real life its mostly, cheesy and campy, but what the heck. Once in a while, there are real gems.

Anon: "You don't know what you missed." I want to know.

The One said...

Searcher: I have dealt with the "blog losing anonymity" phenomenon. Its not that bad. You'd be surprised to learn how much people can stomach, or probably how little they care.

Anyway, I'd be delighted to take this offline. You can reveal yourself on pisquare@gmail.com. As Anon says, what have we got to lose.

Anon: Thanks for the lightbulb moment!

T.O.

Anonymous said...

Thank god for this last post TO. Because when you digressed the subject to 'Craigslist', I was like, there is a limit to being the "shy type". Anyway, Im glad to see that you took the first step (albeit after much coaxing from me:)

I never checked out the 'missing connections' tab, and can't check it out now as I'm a work...it looks pretty NSFW types! I only use Craigslist to buy furniture and apartment hunt. I love Caragslist. Is there something like that in India too?

Searcher, it was funny to read how everyone and their uncle knows about your blog :)....but don't relocate, if you do....do tell us where you going to so that we can continue to stalk you...what say T.O.? ;-)

Searcher said...

My only concern with a blog not being anonymous is that i wonder if i'll be able to stay as ruthlessly honest as i want to be... There's always the inherrent need to pander to an audience, particularly a known one.

What's your excuse? :o)

Anonymous said...

No I agree with you. I think anonymity is a good thing. I think it adds excitement....its no fun if everyone knows everyone. Keep it that way.

A-Known-anus said...

i know what you did last summer !!!! boooooooo.... !!!