L'Ennui

– noun:
a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom:

- a word which very delicately yet effectively says, "I'm boooorred!" while taking an elegant sip of fizzy wine.

I look around me and see my friends all steeped in the same quagmire of ennui-dom. There are no movies to watch, the elections, IPL and American Idol are all over... and all of us (even people like me who weren't remotely involved in any of the three) are wondering "what's next?"

My day job has now been taken to a point of no recovery. I don't care anymore if i sell more toothpastes or soaps or medicines or insurance, or even that i need to try harder to sell more of the same for clients who are making them. Really. I'm pretty sure someone else can do a better job than me, and i'm not ashamed to admit it. It's truly soul-sucking to be considered a great salesman. It implies artifice. Yes, i'm knocking the great capitalist aim to increase profits and, in these days of the recession, it's bad manners to suggest that there's more to life... But really, i hope to God, there's more to mine.

Now all i need to do is become un-ennui-ed long enough to figure out what that may be.

Sigh.

Dreams...

Have you ever thought of what dreams may mean? Yes, as human beings we're cursed to search for meanings everywhere... but really, have you never had dreams that you were certain were ... something more... than just electrical impulses flowing through our synapses?

Just last night i was racing through just-partitioned India, part of the nascent BSF, trying to keep hurting, enraged de-homed hindustanis from killing each other. I was the only woman there, i was leading a group of scared yet valiant soldiers, determined to keep death at bay. And then i was shot for my efforts.

A few days before that, i was in college - an environment for the feminazis among us - trying to find a friend. I found a few people - the 'inner circle' - and i tried to convince them of the uselessness of trying to be separate... until i found my real friend... and understood the futility of trying to change anyone's mind through the over-hyped medium of conversation.

I called my friend yesterday, to hear how she was doing, Not very well, i'm afraid. Life has had it's way with her and, the knowledge that we had - that we would be fighting back with all our will - that knowledge has been proven false. She ... and i suppose I too, have realised that fighting back was never part of our deal. We're just the examples that are presented to the World. True story.

A couple of days ago, i had an impromptu discussion with my team about ... well.. "what's it all about?". I realised i don't believe in global warming, that i do hope that human beings are reaching a state of transcendence, that 2012 is the start of the Age of Aquarius and all the positivity it's the harbinger of, that telepathy and the extra-senses can be practised to be made perfect and that all of us are just searching for meaning in our lives.

Or maybe just searching for the experience of being alive.

Just thinking of you...

.... reminded me of myself.


Brief minutes of honesty


A few days of lingering passion


A few weeks of sweet romance


A few years of amusing regrets...


So many promises in one life...


And yet, she won't love me.


Thank you for the compliment, Mark.

"Love" or "In Love"?

What's with that distinction?? God knows i've used it myself over the years, usually to ward off unwanted advances from "friends". Apart from that, i've used the "we're friends!' clause too. But really, what's the deal??

I spent last weekend with three of my closest friends, one of whom is Megan. Megan completed her chemotherapy cycle a few weeks ago and is now working on building her strength and resilience to handle an 18 hour flight back to LA. We decided to pay her a last visit before she left... and even though i was a heartbeat away from canceling the whole thing, i'm so very glad i didn't. Because it has got me here, feeling happier than i've been in a long time.

The thing is, over the last few posts, i have been maudlin and angry and self-pitying. But three days with two guys, a girl and a household of parents, I see what a waste of time that has been. I have always prided myself on being "sorted" whatever that word may mean at different times of the day. I have been proud of my boundaries when it comes to friends, and been very self-critical about the kind of leeway i allow them when it comes to walking all over me.

But this weekend, i realised that that leeway is really what it's all about. We played "wake him up, he's trying to sleep" followed quickly by human trampoline and "what's there to eat even though we just ate" and "Who's the elbow rest" etc etc. Taboo was played with the usual fights and sulks and "you're cheating" accusations (all true). Outrageous requests were made every mealtime, and met without a raised eyebrow from anyone; we fought and made up and showered love on each other every minute of the three days.

And now i know what it is i really was talking about. I miss being held - not with lust but with affection. I miss being touched playfully, instead of with 'intention'. And i get really mad when my so-called friends don't telepathically understand that about me. The thing is - friends (that inner circle that really gets you) do instinctively understand what it is you need. The others - acquaintances - don't. And yet, we use the word "friend" so loosely that sooner or later, you just kind of ascribe those qualities to everyone and then get disappointed when they don't match up. or atleast i do. Or did (hopefully).

Yes, i know it's basic kindergarten kind of knowledge. But this weekend i realised that with friends, there is really no distinction when it comes to love. I love them... and am also a little bit in love with them. I don't know if that makes it simpler to forgive myself when i curse myself out for caring too much...