Today I blew off a rather attractive and highly prominent lawyer who seems to like me, so I could watch the final not-the-best-film-ever-made Harry Potter with my brother and his wife. A few days ago, I stopped emailing a cute, interesting, self-aware doctor who made me laugh. A few weeks before that, I kissed a sweet investment banker goodnight, while I framed a Dear John letter to him in my head.
Okay, so none of them was perfect. Who is? The lawyer is in the middle of a messy separation, has two kids and a domicile in South Africa. The doctor is going through some weird finding-himself-through-tantric-sex-with-anything-that-moves phase which, so long as it doesn't affect me, is quite hilarious. The investment banker is just--lonely. But none of these were the deal breakers so much as the fact that I inexplicably lost interest.
Clearly I have a blinking light above my head that says, "All ye lost and weird, come to Mama!" which, in the weirdness capital of the world, I have been getting my share of. But losing interest... now that has been the stumbling block - and not just here. I've been in NYC for two months now, and right from the start, when I began meeting these really interesting men who had more to their lives than movies and TV shows and media jobs, the expiry-date status of my stay was crystal clear. So, we just spent time getting to know one another and things went along swimmingly. We went out, saw concerts, went to the beach, visited some really cool pubs and bars, picnic-ed under the trees.. all the fun stuff. And we talked. Sometimes late into the night. And then suddenly... there's attraction.. and in my case, a sudden pull-back.
Anyone who has been reading this online diary for any period of time knows that sexual attraction - for better or worse - hasn't been scary for me. Indeed, regardless of what the future holds, sex has mostly been about fun. Now, so many years down the line, I have to ask if my previously fought for standards have shifted and is it possible that I'm genuinely looking for something deeper... In which case, do I have to start saying no to all those potentially fun encounters?
Back home, I have a ton of loose ends that need to be dismissed. A major portion of this trip is about waiting for those loose ends to wither into nothingness in the absence of proximity. And about discovering what it is that I want. During these three months, only three men have stayed in touch with me, who have missed me and made no secret of that fact. Only with one of them have I shared a sexual history with - and that was a disaster. Without going into too many details, let's just say that none of these men is comfortably right for me...
Which brings me to the question - If I'm saying no to "just sex", and none of these men is right for me in the "something deeper" context... what's next?