Saturday, March 5, 2011

Breaking Bad

When do you know that it's time to quit? Some decisions are easy... and others...

A couple of nights ago, I found myself having an impromptu drink with a few people from work. Along with the couple of drinks, I also ended up smoking a lot - mostly out of boredom, and some of it out of the restlessness of having nothing to do with my hands. This morning, I woke up with this feeling of getting slowly choked... swallowing is uncomfortable. Close on the heels of that discovery came the thought - My grandpa had throat cancer, the first signs of which manifested in trouble swallowing. And boom, as of this morning, I have officially quit smoking.

Then, a couple of years ago, I met VJ. Over the last few years I've gotten to know him slightly better, but not much. That's a problem today, even though it wasn't when we started. A few years ago, no-strings-attached was all that I had space for. Today, I have a lot more to give and, perhaps, the more difficult thing of being able to receive. The truth is, I do like him - he's sweet and enthusiastic and has passion for his life. That's a rare thing to find, and I would like to hold on to it. But I have to admit that holding on to people requires effort from all the people involved. He's lovely, but - as the movie made very clear - he's just not that into me. And that means, I honestly, albeit reluctantly, have to lock that slightly ajar door, that he's walked through often, and lose the key.

And finally I look at my life of writing movies. Every film I have written has been fraught with trouble. My first film - huge heartbreak and enormous personal meltdown. Also, screenplay turned into an awful film. My second film (big banner, sought after director, etc) - shelved indefinitely, causes unknown. My third film - very supportive director and producer, great story, everyone's happy with how it's all playing out - and then my Director dies. Right now that film is stuck in writing limbo. The screenplay keeps getting tossed around to different people for their opinions, and because all people bring their own unique worldview into anything they read, each opinion is wildly different - all of which my producer (well-intentioned, highly suggestible non-writer) wants incorporated into this "Film that will be the best film ever made". I'm frustrated with this entire process and I wonder if the Universe is flashing the "Stop Writing For Movies" sign that I'm just not seeing.

Are all of these habits that need to be broken...?


Anonymous said...

quitting smoking and flings is not giving up. it's taking control of your life. but quitting on your passion?? if your scripts are a half as good as your blog, they're twice as good as the moviecrap that hits theaters. hang in there, girl! ok?

Searcher said...

Thanks Anon... a well-known director and mentor once told me "Success in the movie-biz isn't about how much talent you have... but about how long you can hang on." He's quite right... The question really is, do i WANT to hang on, and make 'hanging on' the reason of my success rather than what i write? I know it's naive.. but i'm quite exhausted. Shall relook at that question, and it's possible answers after a break.

Mariposa said...

i agree with Anon..but i totally understand what you are saying about your passion. Maybe you need a little break from it (if that's even an option)? See how that feels..

I came across your blog last week and have been ready write really really well!

Searcher said...

Thanks Mariposa, welcome to an insider look at the noise in my head :)

The Good news: I took a break and I'm back to writing. The truth is, i really like it... nothing makes me as excited as that.

The Bad news: I'm back to smoking too albeit intermittently. But i'm working on it.