Saturday, January 29, 2011


It's official. Either dating is the stupidest, moronic thing in the world, or i'm just doing it wrong. I assume that dating is about romance... creating that warm, fuzzy feeling, that insane sparkly connection, that desire to reach out and touch another person.

But what is the fascination with meeting random people for coffee / drinks / dinner at various entertainment stops? What's the great moment of connection that i'm supposed to get from staring at someone's face, as they tell me all about investing in the stock market or social marketing, or lawyer-ing, or a joke about someone who said "sex-ion" instead of "section" (seriously, are we still 12 years old?), or a million other stupid things. All of them - good people. The only common factor being Me.

Honestly, I've never 'dated' (what is that anyway?). I've either been in love, or lust, or i have friends. It's exhausting meeting new people, going through the same conversations about "tell me about you.." when seriously, everyone seems super-bored with themselves. Ofcourse, i've read the literature about "show interest in the other person" etc and i appreciate someone trying to get to know me, and i'm usually always interested in a new person (who wouldn't be? They're new! But generating my curiosity? That's not happened in such a long time!) - but how is this supposed to create a "romantic" situation when i just want to smash my coffee mug / wine glass on his head or mine?!?!?

What's happened to the effortlessness of just connecting with someone? What happened to being surprised? Why is it all about convenience? Even if it's convenience, why are people just asking me out to consume something - coffee, food, alcohol?? Do they assume that feeding me is the only way to keep me in place while we have desultory conversation?

And the truth is, i miss it. I miss looking across the table and just thinking, 'Oh so cute/dishy/sexy/yummy!" instead of "Is it polite for me to leave now?" I miss being taken by surprise, being provoked (in a good way), being kept off-balance (again, good way) instead of thinking, "Oh Lord, I'm so not into him." I miss romance. I miss the butterflies in the stomach. I miss the body-slam of 'this is the one' desire. Instead, i get multiple cups of coffee, the sometimes-dinners, the depressing ratio of 5 nice conversations to 15 tedious encounters, the too much-too soon revelations.

Maybe this is what 'dating' is. In which case, can we just be remote, online messenger friends?

Monday, January 24, 2011

This Moment

In this moment
With the waves and the sunlight
And the shimmering horizon
I'm here with you
I am closer, a heartbeat away
On a mountain side, cold water washing my ankles
With you standing years ago
I want to feel your encircling arms
without boundaries, without limits
So that i can reach out to you
And feel you solid, standing here
Next to me, and feel myself made real by you
It used to be so easy
And now, i don't know what it feels like
To have you under my skin.

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Unexpected...

.. just happened. A boy realized that he'd screwed up... and .. apologized!!!

He said:

Acted like an ass and if you are in a forgiving mood, then lets get in touch

She Said:

Woah! What brought this on?

He Said:

So I was sitting and I read something with the word "searching". And then I thought about Searcher. So I started pondering that maybe I really did not want to go to Vir Das all the way to town and just wanted to tick you off and close the topic. And then thought that what I did to press you for your number was not fair and so there I was...writing to you. What say?

Hmm. Needless to say I'm not used to receiving apologies, particularly from strangers who, let's face it, don't really owe each other anything. Mostly I get the silent treatment or the "let's pretend this never happened" treatment or the "I'm so hurt by what you said but I'll just keep my pain to myself except when I sigh deeply and often" treatment. I mean, what's the protocol now? He's asked me out.. again.. and i'm wondering if i should attempt it. His apology confirms what I had suspected about his nature. The fact that he's contrite (much appreciated) - should it make me ignore the fact that he quite likely IS a childish and stubborn person with a capacity to hurt, when he doesn't get his own way?

Also, the fact is that as timing goes, it couldn't be worse for being asked out. Lately I've been spending all my waking hours inside a cramped edit studio, working on a project that couldn't be more soul-killing, and my sleeping hours dreaming about all that needs to be done for it. Along with that, I have been dealing with an awful bout of the 'flu and have almost-literally not had time for a deep breath. I look like shit, I couldn't feel less sexy, and my stores of patience just don't have enough in them to deal with gracefully dodging a man's areas of insecurity.

On the other hand, maybe this IS a good time to be asked out... The ultimate test of resilience :)