It was his birthday yesterday. He turned 33, and i threw him a surprise party to ring it in. Then we went out for dinner last night. His best buddy asked him, "So Sam, what's going on with you and Searcher (that's me)?" Sam says, "Just going with the flow." And, sitting next to him, i realised that this would probably be the last night we would be seeing each other.
But first some history. Sam and i met through a common friend who thought it would be great if we got together. At that time, it was about a year after my great heartbreak and everyone felt, given my past history ( i haven't been single for longer than 3 months tops), that it was high time i got back into the saddle. I wasn't exactly ready, but he seemed nice. And i told him very clearly, "Let's not give this a name." He agreed.
So after a couple of months of weekend sex, many laughs and yet an emotional unavailability, i changed the rules. I said, "It's pointless for me to be naked with someone in bed, and still find myself solo. So, let's ease off on the sex, and just meet and talk and see if we can be friends." He agreed.
So we did that for about a month. We hung out, called each other about thrice a day and ended up spending quite a few evenings together with common friends. And it was nice. We talked and laughed and when his best buddy came into the picture, i got an insight on him that i hadn't yet got. They sang Dylan like he was meant to be sung, got me high on liquers and love songs and I think i may have fallen a little bit in love.
Which brought in its wake some questions - like what are we doing here? what does he think of what we have? does he even want anything more? do i? And the answer to all of that was 'I don't know.' My life today isn't following the most definite route, and this just became one other thing i was not certain about.
Should i ask him? A few years ago, i probably would have. But recently i have come to realise that whenever i have made the first move, things have been great and then have quickly proceeded south. A mentor pointed out something - he said, you can't have a friend as a romantic partner. You can't take away the choice of friendship from him and offer romance, if he hasn't mentioned it. You can't just change the rules like that, and expect things to go fine.
And i took that advice to heart. As far as i knew, Sam had so far just tagged along with all my decisions. Maybe they were his too and we just miraculously happened to be on the same page. I didn't want to be the one to name the monster and say, "so what do you feel about me? Do you think we could give this an honest shot?" He'll be a gentleman and say yes. and i won't be able to take it if he says no.
So during his dinner, when his buddy asked him, "what's going on?", Sam said, "Just going with the flow." And in my head, there was no flow. What if the flow meant that he won't be able to have me in his life at all? Will it remotely matter, or will he continue to go with the flow? And if he does, isn't it a sure sign that he really isn't that into me?
SO yesterday, after his birthday, i finally removed that option from me. I told him, "Sorry, but whatever we're doing here, let's not do it anymore. I'm too scared and you're too ambivalent (i actually used that word!), and it's just adding to the general uncertainty of my life, and i don't want to do that. I'm truly sorry."
And he agreed. Atleast, I have to assume so because he didn't tell me what he thought about me changing the rules on him again. He just took it and walked away. And sitting here, i think i can finally acknowledge that it hurts a little.