Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Coffee Moments

Is it love when you bump into the ex-object of your affection/betrayal/complicated friendship after years of no-contact-for-reasons-everyone-knows, and you realize just how much you still miss them? Or is it merely a weird hook thing where you only want what you can’t have.

I bumped into Mark today. We were at an incredibly dull event, both of us doing our civic duty, armed with our respective weapons against mass boredom. Things have been awkward between us for years, thanks to all the shit that happened, and I was expecting just another perfunctory ‘Hey, what’s up… ok, take care” kind of 30-second conversation which has become our default interaction whenever common friends, loud music nights and other circumstances have thrown us together. After that, we would have the freedom to avoid each other by diving headlong into our books, no harm no foul.

Imagine my surprise then, when he actually asked me to have coffee with him. Coffee implied going somewhere else, just the two of us, and being forced to chat with each other across the table, atleast for the amount of time it takes to finish a mocha. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but this is a HUGE deal. In that half hour, we kinda-sorta caught up with each others’ latest projects (work), discussed the state of Indian television and film, and ofcourse, the weather. As we carefully tap-danced around each others minefields, I caught myself thinking, "This isn't how it used to be...but atleast it’s something."

Would he have sought me out had we not been forced to stay in a boring place, doing boring things? If his girlfriend had any intention of showing up? Had any of his other friends been there to get coffee with him? Doubt it. That’s what makes me pathetic, because when it comes to him, I suppose I’ll take what I can get. But my heart soared as we laughed together, and just for a moment, I got a glimpse of who we could have been.

Then, at the end of the three hours (three hours?? Yes, he also chose to stand with me in an interminably long line, and we smiled and shared amused glances with each other throughout. Yes, it counts), as we awkwardly hugged goodbye, all I wondered was – was this the start of a new chapter in a friendship or just the end of a brief truce?

All I know that I miss my friend, and I hope he can find his way back to me someday. Love, and all that it means, is just background noise.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

thanks, very good =)

A-Girl said...

Are you serious?? I was just thinking of the same issue with respect to my ex.....thought of checking out your blog today and bang- you have written on something that's been bothering me for weeks! Are you a mind reader or something?:-)

I have said this before, will repeat, you write really well.

Listen, do you know what this means? The sign from the universe couldn't have been clearer. You are still single, and he is not married! Go for it girl! Its time you found love and gave up your singledom for good :)

Anonymous said...

This I'd like to see. You tell her A-Girl!

*grinning*
Sam.

Searcher said...

You're an ass, Sam.

A-Girl said...

Ok Sam may be an ass, but just what is your response to my post? You keep asking the universe for signs....there can not be a surer sign that this :-)

Searcher said...

Thanks A-Girl, I love your enthusiasm. However, it's not a sign because I don't miss Mark as a romantic partner but as a friend. The only sign that will actually mean anything is if he says, "Hey, wanna hang out.. often? With and without significant others, in groups and solo, hopefully without another major betrayal that does us part?" If that happens, I'll always say "I do." Not holding my breath though :)

A-girl said...

listen, have been meaning to ask you -just how do you get to this stage where you can talk about your Ex-s publicly? ("publicly" - as even though it is an anonymous blog, if one of your exes 'really' needs to know, they can find out if it is you). I mean when you can let go your ego and proclaim that you miss them? That you are single and not always happy about it, even as your ex-loves are perhaps getting married? Its a very difficult thing to do and I laud you for it :-)

Searcher said...

Thanks A-Girl, until recently I've never had to think about this in a real kind of way. I guess the truth is that this is the only place i get to be completely vulnerable. Why give that up for what an "ex" will think? :)

Sej said...

This post made me ache a wee bit. Lovely.