Wednesday, October 6, 2010

It's Not Me, It's You

Someone told me recently that i was emotionally unavailable. To him and others who agree, here's what i have to say:

Go to hell. That emotional enough for you?

Before you sit on that little high horse and tell me all that i'm doing wrong and how it is my emotional unavailability that is attracting the kind of people it is, look back at your life and find me moments when i haven't been 'emotionally' available to you. I've been there to sit and bat the breeze in the middle of working days, i've been there to listen and talk till 5 am in the morning, i've always been available to go out - to a dinner or a movie, i've kept your awful secrets and loved you regardless, i've always picked up the phone and spoken to you whenever you have called, i've gone out of my way and called in favors for you, i've made a fool of myself to amuse you, i've respected your privacy and given you space whenever you have asked for it, I've helped you with your work, i've forced you to celebrate life guilt-free after a year of seeing someone die, I've welcomed you into my home, and i've held you when your world shattered.

And here's the truth - when i was hanging out in the middle of the workday, i could have been working and meeting my deadlines instead of staying up till 4 to make up for lost time! when i listen to you till 5 am, i could be easily sleeping and getting ready for my early morning appointment! when i go out with you at a moment's notice, i could be going out with anyone else, or sitting at home reading a book or watching back episodes of House; i could blab about your secrets or just shut you down under a barrage of guilt-driven morality trumpets, i could just not answer my phone and say "my phone was on silent mode" or "i hate talking to people so text or be gone" (responses to when my calls have gone unanswered - and i'm glad because you sometimes don't even bother coming back with a reason).

And you say, "People need to hear that you care about them." Sweety, if i didn't give a shit, you sure as hell won't be the person feeling secure enough in our friendship to be able to tell me some "home truths". It's because you know i care about you that you can talk to me about your shit, know that i'll be there at the other end of the line for as long as you need. And after all that you say, "You should call more often." Hmm. I HAVE called when i've needed YOU. When i'm about to down a bottle of pills, you've been in a meeting. When i've really really wanted to do something, you haven't been in the mood or you've pulled me to do what you want. When i've wanted help with work, you've been evasive. When i've been desperately unhappy, you've told me to "get over it". And i have sucked it up and put on my happy face because i've sensed you coming to the end of your tether.

So i've learned to not lean on you too much. I believe that the time you give me is precious and it's a privilege - so i will not burden it with phonecalls about the minuitiae of my life because, let's face it, we all have those. And over the last 12 years that i've lived on my own, with my family too far away to help or even be physically available, and my friends in different parts of the world, and my boyfriends leeching the lifeblood out of me, and jobs that have been earned without family recommendations or contacts, and pregnancies that have been dealt with, and illnesses that have been borne alone, etc etc i've learned to sort out my own shit.

Now here's also something i know - maybe you need to be needed, and you figure i don't need you. The truth is, i Do. And I know that in a hundred different ways you have been there for me. I recognize that and i love it. I'm careful with it. I don't call you emotionally unavailable when i clearly see so much evidence to the contrary. But i also know that if you're not there for me, i'll be okay. It's been training my life has given me. But i do WANT you, not for what you can do for me or how you can be useful to me, but because i genuinely like you, that you are an amazing person in your own self, regardless of whether i may benefit from you, and I love the fact that i'm allowed a peek into your life. That i shall always be there for you, even if you are unable to return the favor sometimes. It's unfortunate you don't understand what a huge compliment i'm paying you.

So instead, i write.

PS: If I'm attracting mirrors who reflect my emotionally barren life, what does that say about you?

4 comments:

WhoMe said...

you have been shat upon and the lid closed... hence you are not wanted anymore.. The one who shat is looking for a "CLEAN" break... sister.. i been there, i know !!!

Internally Disharmonious said...

Wow!
I have to say, that was VERY emotionally charged. And I can relate on a number of levels.
I despise being told, I don't love someone when I do. I resent being told, I've done nothing to show I care, when I have. I am resentful of the fact that I'm accused of not caring, because I don't break down into emotional temper tantrums.

I've paid compliments similar to what you've expressed her.

Searcher said...

WhoMe: This wasn't about someone trying to get a clean break.. it's just a friend trying to tell me ways to improve. I just wish i had a friend who said, 'Sweety, you're a great friend," and leave it at that without qualifiers.

ID: It IS very annoying. But i have to allow for the fact that perhaps i'm guilty of the same crime. Maybe unknowingly, unwittingly, we've all not appreciated another person enough to be the voice of love rather than conditional friendship....

I was very upset when i wrote this. Doesn't make it any less honest though.

Nasheikah said...

wow. real.raw.thank u