Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Faking It

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me about this embarrassing malfunction he had in bed. According to him, it has 'never happened' (yeah, right) and now he thinks it's because the woman he was with, just didn't have 'that special connection' with him. I looked at him askance, wondering whether he'd left his thinking mind along with his libido behind.

Then he brightened up and said, "But she did cum so that can be my goodbye gift to her." Uh yeah, sure. I was pissed off. Here was this guy i consider a friend who was being a total jerk about a girl who had gone out of her way to fake an orgasm for him. The moron didn't realise that that had been her goodbye gift to him.

Faked an orgasm??? Yes, sir. What followed was a lengthy discussion on orgasms, faking it, and how most men don't think their partners ever have done it. Finally it ended with him asking, "Why don't they just tell men how to give them an orgasm instead of being all romantic about it? I'm not a mindreader!" Reminded me of a blog i'd read where the writer almost begs for directions to a female orgasm. I wrote a comment on the same blog... which i'm reproducing here.

I must say, the demand for a "roadmap" to orgasm is so typically male. It's like saying - fixing the kitchen shelf needs a power drill, a saw, glue, etc, and helping my lady attain her orgasm needs a left here, a right there, slight u-turn.. and voila!

Really, come on!

A male orgasm is a physiological thing. From the age of 13 or younger, boys are taught, usually by their well-meaning older brothers or friends, how to get rid of that 'funny feeling in the pants'. A female orgasm - well, now THERE's a different story.

An orgasm for a woman is literally a way of letting go. She lets go of her inhibitions, her phobia about cellulite, being seen as imperfect (particularly by the male world which sees Claudia Schiffer as perfection), she puts away all thought - guilt over liking the 'dirty act of sex', of being considered a slut, of her laundry not done, of whether her underwear is sexy enough, etc etc. When she lets go of all of this - baggage - only then does she orgasm.

Being the sensitive, caring man of the 21st century, is actually about being able to help her do all of that - mainly by making her feel beautiful and cherished. And that process starts in the head, way before clothes are thrown off and strewn across the room. Unfortunately, there's no road map for that. Except for the big glaring word that men seem to just not see - it's called FOREPLAY.

ForePLAY. It's not supposed to be a chore. It's supposed to be stolen kisses, hand holding, raunchy messages in the middle of a board meeting. It's playful, teasing, surprising and joyous, because THAT is what sex is about. Or should be.

Women aren't trying to be mysterious or mystical about having an orgasm; it isn't a great secret that we don't want to share with you. The thing about orgasm - single or multiple - is that, while many women (not all, mind you) recognise it when going through it, very few women know consciously about these complicated but crucial elements that go into it.

What does happen is that, over the years, she goes through several men (or few men several times) who try really hard to satisfy her (bless them), who try to be the "sensitive, caring man of the 21st century". Some of them manage to do so, some of them don't, and its only in that process, she learns what makes her tick. And, like a learned trait, it becomes easier to let go, and easier to tip over to the side of a full-blown orgasm.

Then, why do we fake it? Just as the female 'orgasm' has burst onto the male sexual arena recently, even women have to deal with the pressures of "Did you cum? How many times? Was it good?" Jeez! Something that was supposed to be fun, and private, is now suddenly dinner table conversation, with women being called a variety of names - 'frigid, cold, unresponsive, weird, unwomanly' etc etc - if she hasn't "had one." And this is from other women, by the way.
In defence, women have learnt the fine art of 'faking it'(THAT is easy - remember Meg Ryan in "when Harry met Sally"?)and just enjoying the liberation of sexual intimacy hoping that while faking it, the real thing will come along, without the added pressure of looking for it.

The modern woman is not always swayed by material things because lately the modern woman can buy herself her own shiny baubles including the diamond ring. But the modern woman does enjoy "the weight of a man", and hopes to come across one who will help her drown out all the noise in her head and be able to say, in that glorious moment of ecstacy, "YES!!"


azuregoddess said...

Most men don't care whether you have one or not...that's what I've found. Or maybe I'm just attracted to the self-centred ones.

Searcher said...

Well, with the increasing political incorrectness of 'not being concerned', i tend to find more guys atleast more aware, if not consciously pro-active .... It's hopeful.

Cluless-Novice said...

Dear Searcher,

You do realize that someone reading you blog, can safely assume that you will have lots of advice for a novice like me? :)

So I will I assume that you are ok with sharing some of your knowledge and do your bit of serving humanity :)

I am an Indian girl ('woman'
now) like yourself. I must admit that I find it a wee bit strange that you have such a 'Cary Bradshaw' like sex life, despite the fact that you are an Indian and live in India. But I've grown up in India too, moved to the US many years back. Now the problem: I am 30, and still a virgin. (Can't believe I actually wrote that!). Marriage is out of sight though everyon around me seems to be getting married and having kids.I feel I still haven't found the right man to lose my virginity to. I feel the first man that I sleep with,should be someone who 'at least' loves me. I even have thoughts of briefly going back to my first love just to have sex (who is now married btw)and get it over with. Is the 1st time really a big deal? Now that I am 30, do you feel that I sh'd really wait for a soulmate or a 'soulmate-like' man to lose my virginity to? Will I regret if I sleep with a random cute guy whose face I won't remember after a year? Please tell me, as I am depressed and feel have 'lost the race'.All my ex boyfriends have found love and are married. (Can't believe they didn't think of me even once before they took that big step, after all I used to be their 'world' at one point.) I mean how sad is it to be a virgin at 30- VERY. Thanks in advance.

Searcher said...

Hey Novice, first things first. I don't have a Bradshaw-esque kind of sex life. But i do think about the one i have.. And now about your situation - Babe, you're 30. You can do what you want, when you want, with whomever you want. You probably had your reasons for not desiring that kind of intimacy with the then-boyfriends. Once you figure out your real reasons, you'll probably figure out your next step. There is no right or wrong. Just what works for you. Find someone fun, who likes to laugh... That's usually good :o)

Novice said...

Dear Searcher,

Thanks so much for replying. But you misunderstood me.....I did not mean that there is a dilemma in my mind of whats 'right' and whats 'wrong'. I have reached that stage in my life where I don't really care what people, parents and tradition think. The dilemma in my mind is more like....is the first time supposed to be 'so special' that it should be done with someone who at least cares for me....loves me (even if I don't end up marrying that person).....OR is it something not that special after all and I may be ok with doing it with any random cute guy, 'knowing full well' that he will not want to have anything to do with me next week. Are the 'memories' of the "first time" really that special? Does the "first guy" have a special place in your heart? If so, then is it really worth saving your virginity for that special guy? [I know after Ive done it once, I will be more free to experiment with different people, but had specific question abnout the "first time".
Thanks in advance

Searcher said...

Hey Novice... In my experience, every time you try something new holds some significance... just like the first time you bungee-jump, or the first time you shaved your legs. It changes something... But, let's look at it this way.. what's the worst case scenario? You do it with some random guy. It's awful. SO what? when it comes to sex, 1st times rarely if ever match the hype... even with Mr. Special. On the plus side, you'll have atleast a semi-amusing time... *fingers crossed* :o)

Anonymous said...


You write well. I have been reading your blogs. Since you are an Indian, I guess you could easily write scripts for TV series and make it into a big hit, like Alley McBeal or Sex and the city version of India...(or soemthing completely different and better). You write with such emotions that it really touches. A lot of people, women (and even men I'm sure) can identify with you and your feelings.

A lot of us have had similar experiences in our love life, but we cannot pen down our feeling like you do. You are very brave to put it out there. [I almost feel that I 'concerned' for what is happening in your life :)]

I guess for starters, you can even write for magazines like an 'agony aunt' coloumn :-p.....as seen by the commnets on your blog :) But jokes apart, I think its the fact that women can identify with you that they probably feel comfortable to ask you these questions...(and also 'trust' your judgement)....now thats a big plus! :)

Since I mentioned that reading your blog almost elicits a concern for your life....I had a few questions to ask (out of curiosity if you dont mind).

You wrote in one of your blogs that you just broke said goodbye to guy to whom you were 'trying to say goodbye for 5 years'....what exaclty did you mean by that?

You dont have to answer them if they are too personal.

Anyway, keep writing,

Searcher said...

Thanks A, it's flattering to know that my writing strikes a chord somewhere within you. About your question, I'd been talking about my first love. And it took both of us about 5 odd years to finally break up ie break all emotional ties with each other, and truly move on in our lives. It was sad. And unfortunately, necessary.

Anonymous said...

Yes I can only imagine how sad that must have been. Sadly, I have not yet broken ties with my first love, though I thought I did. Just one email or one phone call or one piece of news about him seems to change everything. That's when you realize that you 'thought' you had moved on...but not quite. It seems my first love has moved on, as he is getting married. There is a feeling of discomfort, which worries me a little, as my mind was 'convinced' that I had moved on. I even dated other people. Almost married some. Then why should it hurt now? May be it's because this moving on was not synchronous. He moved on first . He chose someone to spend the rest of his life with. Did he think of me before taking that final step? Does he still think of me?...I wonder.

Please tell me...how did you do it? Is it because in your case you both moved on at the same time? What does it take to say ....finally goodbye?

Searcher said...

Hey Anonymous, I never thought i'd end up giving advice on love and break ups. But here's the thing - getting over someone depends on attaining some kind of closure. Closure, regardless of how you achieve it, is basically about realising deep down that you deserve better and the decision, no matter how painful for you, was the right one. This process can take anywhere between a few weeks to a few years. Enjoy it. There's nothing better as a story than a bittersweet tale of romance. At some point you'll get bored of wallowing, and that will be the time to move on.

Anonymous said...

Yes true. Realizing that you deserve better will definitely help. But...what if after all these years, you don't really find any 'better'. The what. :-(

Searcher said...

No offence, but then nothing. If it's meant to happen it will. if not, then no amount of sighing about there 'being no better' is going to change that. The best that i can suggest is opening your mind to not just the impossible ideal of 'better' (which basically boils down to 'the same guy only this time he'll love me') but the more attainable and finally more exciting one of 'different' (which means you'll have to risk making the effort of figuring out how to love someone else... and open yourself to being hurt again). Widens out the playing field a bit.

The One said...

I am tempted to jump to the rescue of my brethren (the unsuspecting, insensitive, and infrequently lucky average Indian male), but shall desist.

Searcher: At the outset, let me apologize for posting a comment in a format that should ideally be the prerogative of the blog owner. I've been reading your past posts and must say that they appear very, very frank. I like to keep my posts that way too, but then I also keep it anonymous. The title of your last post was "Do I look like a dating service?" - now though I cannot comment on that (as your profile does not come with a photograph), I can somewhat predict, after reading the comments on this post, and your responses, what the title of the next one will be: "Do I look like Aunt Agony?"

Well, Ms. Novice, I appreciate your concerns on the momentousness of the first time, but seriously, 20 years from now, do you think it will really matter who you saved it for? For all that its worth, you will just remember that you had an eventful life (or otherwise), and well, thats what I would like to have in the endgame. On a serious note, I have this theory- as we grow older, and I speak from the experience of being single on the Other side of 30, the search for the ONE tends to become a matter of exclusion - I mean I keep ruling out permanence in my current relationships for reasons so trivial, that sometimes I wonder whether I'll ever get from point A to B.

Ms. A: Sorry to barge into this intensely personal discussion you're having with Searcher, but just couldn't help noticing how the entire conversation has turned towards love and longing rather than, well, getting to the YES!!! But then love and longing happens to be a favorite subject of mine, and despite all my modesty, I cannot help airing my views on the same. So here goes: http://smokeringsofmamind.blogspot.com/2006/08/ah-love_115571606880526575.html

Searcher: Apologies again.


Searcher said...

Hey One,
Appreciate the rescue attempt. Nice post! Don't you just love the anonymity of this medium? :-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks The One.

My apologies too Searcher for hijacking your blog space....but as suggested by someone, a space as an 'agony aunt' in a magazine could be an interesting proposition :-p

The One: As for your commnets to Ms Novice, well I feel you may not be able to uderstand what she feels(momentousness of the first time) as you are a man. 'First time- Shmurst time', how could a man ever understand? That is to put it very bluntly.

As for Ms A, I can totally uderstand what she feels. Your first love getting married...ouch..that really really hurts. I read your blog One, it was very well written. Infact sometimes I wonder if it is such a great thing that each individual and love experience is so 'unique'. At times like these (when your soulmate is marrying someone else) I wish that god made 'identical' people....and then arranged for them to run into me, so that I could turn back time, and not make the same mistakes I made. As, though you may learn from each experience, but by the time you learn that lesson....it's probbaly too late to salvage that relationship with your love.

Ideally love should culminate in marriage....but alas it's not true for so many people. :(

Searcher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The One said...

Now that apologies are out of the way, we can get down to some views.

Searcher: I crave for anonymity. Period. And did I attempt a "rescue"? Not at all. In fact, on second thoughts, I wish I had, but it sounds preposterous, and I feel uncomfortable.

Anon: Thanks? What for? I admit this is the "first time" I've heard "Shmurst time". Please elaborate. And as you say there are things I will never understand because I am a man. But don't you think therein lies the crux of the matter, the entire excitement of a relationship... the yin and yang of it all???

"Ideally love should culminate in marriage... "

You know this made me wonder. I have been involved with people where we had absolutely no hope in hell of co-habiting for any respectable period of time; this in spite of considering alternatives as intricate as separate bedrooms, kitchens, multiple copies of the same daily, TVs etc. I mean, it happens, right? IMHO while intimacy and attraction are almost arstically subtle in a way that something like logic can never capture, marriage often requires at least a seed of practicality. Otherwise, it is capable of wearing you out completely. So I guess whatever happens, happens for best. Life can sometimes be very heavy if you always always sit down to look for look for reasons.

Anonymous said...

Hi 'The One', I must say it is very generous of the Searcher to allow such trespassing on her blog :-)

Anyway, first explaining the term "Shmurst time". It's like saying 'baseball shmaseball' or 'cocktail shmocktail' or 'art shmart'. As in,
for men, 'first time' is really no big deal. Hence you may not have understood why the first time is so important to her. I mean do guys really remember their first time or who they even did it with??

Second, about your view on "Ideally love should culminate in marriage... ". Oh my heart breaks to read it. I still believe the best outcome of love should and must be nothing else but marriage. That said, none of my friends (not a single one of them) married their first love. How can people 'stop loving' anyone, I never understood. I think its really sad. And I refuse to buy "whatever happens, happens for best". I feel if you are not that lucky one who ends up marrying your love, then like you mentioned in your post, life is nothing but a series of 'compromises'. You just train your brain to like things in people and which you ordinarily won't. And keep longing. I am at such a phase in my life, that even if I were to turn back time, I wouldn't know what things to change.Ah and did I mention I am on the other side of 30 ? Isnt that sad. He did not choose me and yes I am looking for reasons why. Am I so easy to get over that he found someone else to marry?? On second thoughts, I hate men and I feel like plotting revenge against the whole world :-p. Guess who got out of the wrong side of the bed today. End of rant. 'Phew'.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to add for the Searcher, sex is overrated.

The One said...

You can never stop loving a person, at best, just getting used to that person not loving you.

Of course I remember the first time... who doesn't???

Searcher... where are you?

Searcher said...

I'm here... mildly amused by the two of you battling it out. Was wondering if it would be rude of me to intrude on this back-and-forth and ask if either of you had anything to say on the original post? Plus i'm bored. Have to deal with another comment on another post that accused me of writing KANK *sigh*

The One said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I would be very interested to see the comment by the One that you deleted :). Would that be possible?

Searcher I did commnet on your original post, by saying that sex is over rated :-p . Ok but that was because I was pissed off with the whole male species yesterday, so you can ignore that.

I am clever. The way I handel it is by instilling 'fear and insecurity' in my man's mind. I always tell him in a subtle way, how great sex was with so and so just because he took time for foreplay. Then I quote some made up scientific research study that shows that evolutionarily and genetically, men who practice slow love making, spending a lot of time for foreplat etc, are proved to have higher testosterone, are more virile and live longer.

I know its off-the-scale cheesy. But it always works.

Searcher said...

Hey Anon, I didn't delete the comment, One himself did. And he said something to the effect of "you're bored? that's it then!" Can't say i blame him for deleting it :o) And about the 'fear and insecurity' - damn, babe! Hate to break it to you, but i find that people are attracted to one in direct proportion to how GOOD one makes them feel as opposed to how 'afraid and insecure'! The whole world survives on how they can take advantage of you, how you can be useful to them, etc etc. In a romantic relationship, i guess what one really looks for is the absence of all that... game playing. Atleast i do. However, I have no proof that it works. I know you're probably hurting now so this is for future reference only :o)

Searcher said...

And One, what you said about how one never stops loving a person reminded me of the time i used to feel the same. Since then, things have changed. I now know that one never stops loving the person one remembers loving. That mental picture has little to do with the real person however. Totally tragic.

The One said...

Searcher: I agree with you completely for once that all that you remain fond of is the mental picture. But hey, whats wrong with that, as long as you're not slitting up your wrists over it.Trust me it isn't totally tragic. Life is not so hard. Its beautiful but only to the extent you wish to keep it.

Okay, i might appear cold practical and professional and I am. And it helps me, in many ways, especially at work. But you know what, I have strong views on relationships. I really do. Because I always miss certain people, and time and what they are currently has nothing to do with it. Nothing. I have certain moments, frozen in my mind that I am quite happy to keep. Something as simple as being held tightly. And it makes me happy to think that someone at some point of time, in a certain state of mind, held that intimacy for me.I never attempt to replace anyone because, I know I never can. But that doesn't mean I try to live in those memories. I try to move on, and thankfully O have gotten along thus far.

Anon: Sex probably is overrated. I have often wondered whats worse- sex with no intimacy or paid sex. While I can only conjecture about the latter, sex without intimacy is terrible. Terrible.

I think intimacy is important, special moments, whatever they culminate in. Lovemaking is a consequence of it. But its very important to be sensitive, and making it worthwhile. Its not about the half an hour or so, but every thing else that goes into it. Like Searcher says: It's playful, teasing, surprising and joyous, because THAT is what sex is about. Or should be."It's playful, teasing, surprising and joyous, because THAT is what sex is about. Or should be." Its the experience, which needs to be memorable. The morning after. Everything. And if a guy thinks otherwise, he's blown it.

That said it has nothing to do with planning- the best moments I have shared with people I was fond of was done on impulse. If that impulse isn't there, then it probably isn't worth it. But once in a while planning helps.

Searcher: Are you still, ahem, bored???

The One said...

And Searcher, while I didn't comment much on your original post, I do entirely agree with what you had to say about romantic relationships, how one looks for the "absence of all that".

Anonymous said...

I agree with the two of you on loving the mental picture of the one you once loved: which has nothing to do with the real person anymore.

But I heard another one, .."you never stop loving someone, you just start loving somebody else more"

Searcher: I was just half joking about the fear and insecurity part, yes but I do get tempted to use it every now and then.:)

The One: Making yet another self contradictory statement. :p.
He says to Ms Novice "Novice, I appreciate your concerns on the momentousness of the first time, but seriously, 20 years from now, do you think it will really matter who you saved it for? "

And then he says....."I have often wondered whats worse- sex with no intimacy or paid sex. While I can only conjecture about the latter, sex without intimacy is terrible. Terrible."

Searcher and The one: I hate to put both of you in an awkward postion, but I have a feeling that The One is interested in getting to know you better, and he must therefore ask you out for coffee.
It's possible you know, you both are in Bombay.

Anon (stupid-cupid):-p

Searcher said...

Dear Cupid, I waited a whole day for rejoinders to that last comment. No luck apparently. Needless to say that naming that particular monster seems to have thrown the entire previous discussion completely out of focus. Thus, i want to genuinely congratulate you on your impeccable heart-in-the-right-place-but-discussion-killer instincts. Truly remarkable :o) I'm thoroughly amused *grin* Do keep writing.

The One said...

Anon: OMG!

Searcher: Sorry to keep you waiting a WHOLE day, but then this anonymity thing does get in the way. I am a pretty sociable person otherwise. But "monster"? Whatever do you mean by that? I'm game for coffee, actually tea is better, but that I mention only by the way.

Anonymous said...

The One: By "OMG" you obviously mean...."wow boy how the hell did she read my mind!Touch down! ".

You are welcome The One. I know I am the anonymous beacon of hope in this loveless life of yours- you tall big man! :-p

(Just by the way, she wasn't waiting for 'you' in particular the whole day, and she didnt call 'you' a monster. But thats ok, guys do that all the time.)

The Searcher: For which comment were you waiting a rejoinder? Anyway, now with this coffee thing in place, does that really matter?

The two of you: Keep me posted on how the coffee date went. After all that I've done, I feel I've the right to know. You know.
*Big grin* :-D

Anonymous said...

...And then there was silence.

What happned to both of you? Did the coffee date extend into a romantic weekend getaway? :-)

Searcher said...

Hey Anon, Didn't realise there was a date at all. But have been out of circulation for a bit.. so maybe i missed that part. The comment i was in fact awaiting rejoinders on was the "contradictory statements" you accused The One of. And when did romance figure in all of this?? Or am i just being thick? :-/

The One said...

Searcher: Welcome back. The reason why I didn't retort was because I am bored of defending/ explaining myself- my parents were in town recently, you see.

Anon: Do you think she's "being thick"?

Searcher: Are we getting a new post anytime soon? Or are you still basking in the glory of 34 comments on a single post? If yes, can make it 50 real quick, if you promise to write a new post once we get there. FYI, I have written four in as many days. Am really jobless.

The One said...

Just a minor observation. The post on relationships/ love whatever (Searcher's Anatomy) has 17 comments while the one on ahem, Orgasm, had exactly the double (34)before this one. Wonder why??

Searcher said...

The One, it probably has double the comments cuz all that you and Anon had to say (which was about love, relationships, yada, blah) you said here, until i not-so-subtly veered you back on to the subject.

About my writing a new post.. i've been trying. The thing is, something has just happened in my life, and i haven't quite figured out what i want to say about it. And clearly i'm not as prolific a writer as you.... or maybe not as many things matter to me. Damn! That's almost a post (wasted it, shux!)

The One said...

Searcher: "Something has just happened in my life." Now we are all ears. What say Anon???

I am just bored, not prolific. Thats the only bit that's clear to me. And hardly anything matters to me, or matters materially. But that again, is just mentioned btw.


Anonymous said...

Ooooh "Something has just happened in my life." ...Searcher please don't tease us...just spill the beans...we are all ears indeed. :)

The one: Can you please stop being a snob and defend/send a rejoined for my comment on your self contradictory statement please? Thanks.

Anonymous said...


And it's interesting the way the two of you simply and so ungraciously completely ignored my dating idea.....

Also, I don't think searcher is being thick at all, and she is a great writer, I am really looking forward to read something from her.

Searcher said...

Ungracious? me? Never! Plus, Anon, your dating idea was clearly NOT ignored - in fact, it led to a huge amount of silence on an otherwise chatty message-board. That's hugely complimentary, right?

And T.O., i know exactly what you mean about the "bored of defending, explaining myself" part. My parent was here too... which should explain why i was missing in action *sigh*