Yesterday, a friend of mine told me about this embarrassing malfunction he had in bed. According to him, it has 'never happened' (yeah, right) and now he thinks it's because the woman he was with, just didn't have 'that special connection' with him. I looked at him askance, wondering whether he'd left his thinking mind along with his libido behind.
Then he brightened up and said, "But she did cum so that can be my goodbye gift to her." Uh yeah, sure. I was pissed off. Here was this guy i consider a friend who was being a total jerk about a girl who had gone out of her way to fake an orgasm for him. The moron didn't realise that that had been her goodbye gift to him.
Faked an orgasm??? Yes, sir. What followed was a lengthy discussion on orgasms, faking it, and how most men don't think their partners ever have done it. Finally it ended with him asking, "Why don't they just tell men how to give them an orgasm instead of being all romantic about it? I'm not a mindreader!" Reminded me of a blog i'd read where the writer almost begs for directions to a female orgasm. I wrote a comment on the same blog... which i'm reproducing here.
I must say, the demand for a "roadmap" to orgasm is so typically male. It's like saying - fixing the kitchen shelf needs a power drill, a saw, glue, etc, and helping my lady attain her orgasm needs a left here, a right there, slight u-turn.. and voila!
Really, come on!
A male orgasm is a physiological thing. From the age of 13 or younger, boys are taught, usually by their well-meaning older brothers or friends, how to get rid of that 'funny feeling in the pants'. A female orgasm - well, now THERE's a different story.
An orgasm for a woman is literally a way of letting go. She lets go of her inhibitions, her phobia about cellulite, being seen as imperfect (particularly by the male world which sees Claudia Schiffer as perfection), she puts away all thought - guilt over liking the 'dirty act of sex', of being considered a slut, of her laundry not done, of whether her underwear is sexy enough, etc etc. When she lets go of all of this - baggage - only then does she orgasm.
Being the sensitive, caring man of the 21st century, is actually about being able to help her do all of that - mainly by making her feel beautiful and cherished. And that process starts in the head, way before clothes are thrown off and strewn across the room. Unfortunately, there's no road map for that. Except for the big glaring word that men seem to just not see - it's called FOREPLAY.
ForePLAY. It's not supposed to be a chore. It's supposed to be stolen kisses, hand holding, raunchy messages in the middle of a board meeting. It's playful, teasing, surprising and joyous, because THAT is what sex is about. Or should be.
Women aren't trying to be mysterious or mystical about having an orgasm; it isn't a great secret that we don't want to share with you. The thing about orgasm - single or multiple - is that, while many women (not all, mind you) recognise it when going through it, very few women know consciously about these complicated but crucial elements that go into it.
What does happen is that, over the years, she goes through several men (or few men several times) who try really hard to satisfy her (bless them), who try to be the "sensitive, caring man of the 21st century". Some of them manage to do so, some of them don't, and its only in that process, she learns what makes her tick. And, like a learned trait, it becomes easier to let go, and easier to tip over to the side of a full-blown orgasm.
Then, why do we fake it? Just as the female 'orgasm' has burst onto the male sexual arena recently, even women have to deal with the pressures of "Did you cum? How many times? Was it good?" Jeez! Something that was supposed to be fun, and private, is now suddenly dinner table conversation, with women being called a variety of names - 'frigid, cold, unresponsive, weird, unwomanly' etc etc - if she hasn't "had one." And this is from other women, by the way.
In defence, women have learnt the fine art of 'faking it'(THAT is easy - remember Meg Ryan in "when Harry met Sally"?)and just enjoying the liberation of sexual intimacy hoping that while faking it, the real thing will come along, without the added pressure of looking for it.
The modern woman is not always swayed by material things because lately the modern woman can buy herself her own shiny baubles including the diamond ring. But the modern woman does enjoy "the weight of a man", and hopes to come across one who will help her drown out all the noise in her head and be able to say, in that glorious moment of ecstacy, "YES!!"